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zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

sometimes, you just need a really good friend to pull you out of your head. and the beatles, of course.

last night i spent a few hours at a friend’s house. we chit chatter over a few beers and he really helped me come to terms with the situation with k. he’s our mutual friend and such a level headed guy. his perspective changed my perspective and eased my anxiety which was starting to burn a hole in my chest. anxiety is an issue i know too much about, as i’m sure you do, too! regardless, i woke up this morning to sunshine and a new, familiar mood. i’m feeling much more settled, much more happy today. it always helps to share with a friend, right? talking about issues seriously always releases my worries.

anyway, i’m incredibly thankful. i sometimes forget about the support system around me. it’s solid and i should never doubt it like i do sometimes. i’m incredibly lucky to have people like my friend — let’s call him j — in my life.

since i’m feeling light hearted i figured i’d jump on the blog wagon and take this little survey! does this remind anyone else of myspace? confession: i was addicted to those surveys. i’m sure chunk palahniuck would have a word or two as to why πŸ˜‰ but whatevs. i’m doing it anyway!

a. age: twenty-one! my golden birthday is this year :)! (twenty-two on the twenty-second!)

b. bed size: hmm…i want to say double? it’s smaller than a queen. but it’s basically a big fluffy cloud of awesome πŸ™‚

c. chore you dislike: making my bed. cleaning the bathroom (i’m a used-to-be germaphobe). putting away laundry. despise!

d. dogs: not my best friend. i’m kind of terrified by them. coming around slowly, though!

e. essential start to your day: with breakfast! always have, always will.

f. favorite color: orange!

g. gold or silver: i much, much prefer silver to gold.

h. height: five foot one and a half inches. yes, the half inch is that important πŸ˜‰

i. instruments you play(ed): flute for a few years. i miss it! i still have it but i don’t really remember how to play or read music like i could. bummer. i used to know how to play the harry potter song. baller!

j. job title: barista? partner?

k. kids: not for a while, hopefully! and maybe not at all.

l. live: northern california, just outside of san francisco πŸ™‚

m. mom’s name: judy

n. nicknames: zo, bozo, zo-zo, z, and at one point in time z-force (don’t ask. it’s soccer related ;))

o. overnight hospital stays: none that i remember! i was a little inky-dink.

p. pet peeves: oh boy. i have way, way too many. um. chewing in my ear, when customers don’t specify what size drink they want (i.e: “can i get a white mocha?”), not using turn signals. really, there’s far too many to name!

q. quote from a movie: uh, on the spot? umm…slappa-the-bass! just watched this recently πŸ™‚

r. righty or lefty: riiiiighty

s. siblings: jesse! it’s his birthday today, actually! my little brother is all grown up and turned 17 on me overnight, i swear!

t. time you wake up: usually right around nine. i’ve been waking up around nine for about a year now, regardless of what time i go to sleep. i’m a big fan because i’m a huge morning person and i love embracing the day!

u. underwear: must be comfortable.

v. vegetables you dont’ like: olives. and endives. and that’s about it!

w. what makes you run late: the fact that i’m a hard core procrastinator! hah.

x. x-rays you’ve had: my back! when i was little (before memory kicked in) i had some spinal infection and, consequently, had to take back x-rays every five years until i was fifteen, which is when we found out my back fused itself and the doctors wouldn’t have to do it for me! and i’ve had my teeth x-rayed at the dentist, and my knees and ankle when i effed them up running and playing soccer. no breaks though! (knock on wood!)

y. yummy food you make: dessert :)!

z. zoo animal favorites: the zoo makes me uncomfortable but i love elaphants and giraffes and zebras!

well, i hope you’re all enlightened and well educated about me now ;)! got any other questions you want to ask me? go for it :)!

i’m finishing up breakfast over here. in bed. what? it’s saturday and i’m feeling lazy ;). after i finish up i’m thinking of taking a walk. it’s sunny outside and lately, i’ve been craving walks like a crazy person! really, i just want to be outside all the time. seriously. it’s bad. but there’s also a climbing competition today at my college and you bet your ass i’m going to be there! so pumped! unfortunately i have work today from 6-12 (yes, 12 as in midnight) so it looks like the sunshine hours are my free hours today. darn πŸ˜‰

what are your plans for saturday! for the weekend?

whatever they are, i hope you have a good one!

namaste

zoe

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as promised, this post will include some fashion! let me tell you a little story first.

i grew up with a mom who loves to shop. like, seriously. loves. it. so, i grew up loving it, too. i liked getting new clothes before the new school year and in the months in between. when i reached high school, i started paying for the majority of my new digs. thanks to babysitting, my wallet usually boasted a few bills. luckily, my friends enjoyed shopping as much as i did. going to high school in san francisco didn’t help either. on fridays we got out early, around 1:15, and, usually, my friends and i packed up and scuttled downtown for some shopping. these trips were fun but pretty pointless. my closet was super full. always. and the funniest part? i rarely wore any new pieces i bought for very long! I got tired of them or just never wore them ever. i know, a waste, right?

these shopping habits carried on until my trip to south africa. there i met a group of people who changed my life and my perspective on life immensely. suddenly, i realized i wasn’t really shopping for new clothes, but to fill a materialistic void. i never needed any of these new clothes, they just made me feel better about myself. new things = new zoe. on that trip i decided to stop making mindless purchases and start feeling better about myself without the help of useless things.

now? i rarely shop. if i do, i buy a few things i need, and usually second hand. sometimes though, i do splurge. i’m starting to see that it’s okay to spend a bit of money on pieces that are well made and ethically sound (think patagonia, prana). i try to avoid stores like forever 21 and h+m because i know the ethics behind the clothes aren’t great. it’s hard sometimes, because truthfully? i still love to shop. but i also love saving money and spending it on things i actually need. a lot of clothes i wear are from high school or from my early college years.

all that being said, for christmas my mom, still the die-hard shopper, gifted me a hefty gift certificate to h+m. i’m not going to turn down a gift. so a few weekends ago, i finally put it to use and bought a few cute things.

my style isn’t anything special. i love comfortable clothes and tend to dress very casually. i generally stay away from “flashy” clothing (save for my tie-dye pants!) and love loose sweaters and shirts. part of this, i believe, comes from my comfort level with my body but that’s another story for another day. this is about what i got. take a look!

three sweaters…


confession: i. love. sweaters. like, hardcore. it’s bad. in the warm months i live in cardigans and tanks tops and that’s about the extent of my wardrobe. (and bottoms, of course :)!). i have a great collection of sweaters and jackets and i wear every single one!

i also got three shirts in three different colors…

also purchased in navy blue and salmon pink. i wore the blue one the other day at the party. it’s in the picture below :)!

and i bought this vest…

another confession: i loooove vests. especially loose, knitted vests like this!

also picked up a scarf. yes, i have a scarf addiction.

unpictured: a pair of pants! not reaaaally needed but i did need a new pair of skinny jeans considering my others ones don’t quite fit still…i also wandered into forever 21 and picked up some baller earring and a ring. and that’s it!

if you couldn’t tell, i love plain, simple clothing. i love basic colors and plain prints. if i do pick out something with a print, it generally will be a dress or a sweater with stripes. but i really am a solid color kind of girl! that way i can dress up my outfits with accessories. which i always wear a TON of.

whew. that was a lot of words! and i’ve got a few more before i go! i know, how excited are you ;)?

i feel a bit better today. still fighting the quiet echoing of my negative voice but i’m more together today. it helped that the first thing i did today was work out with jillian! a new work out, too! the other day i bought this at target…

um. quite the work out. i was super sweaty and stoked on the day! one thing i really, really liked was jillian. for once. she seemed really different in this video and ended it by saying something like, i know it’s nice to be cut and have a hot body but this is really about health. when you are healthy in your body, you’ll be healthy in every aspect of your life. instead of solely promoting a hot body like she does throughout the entire shred series, she’s promoting exercising for health. instead of saying things like “think about bathing suit shopping!” during the work out, she said things like, “feel how alive your body is! feel how strong you are!” much better, jillian. i loved this and think it was a great purchase! very motivating and focused on the areas i want to focus on (health, not bathing suit shopping!).

after my work out i threw together breakfast/lunch (it was close to noon at this point. no work today!). and i have to say, it was absolutely delicious. i made ashley’s microwave buckwheat bake. this girl is a genius. it was so decadent and nourishing and healthy to boot!

topped with freshly homemade coconut butter, a square of unsweetened baker’s chocolate, and unsweetened coconut cream! (one T coconut flour, a few splashed of unsweetened almond milk). it’s safe to say i have a new favorite breakfast. can you believe this was my first experience with buckwheat, which i learned is not a grain but a pseudograins like quinoa! so it’s a seed πŸ™‚ and super awesome!

okay, this mouthful is getting too full. have a great thursday! it’s raining here and i’m contemplating what to do with my day. the downer part about being the only one out of school? everyone else is always busy! i’m so bored!

what is your personal style like? funky? girly? tomboy? tell me about it!

namaste

zoe

(oh, by the way, i finished invisible monsters yesterday. you guys, pick up this book! it kicks ass! i read over a hundred pages in one day. seriously flew through it!)

hello loves. hope your mid-week hump day is treating you well. (you know, the fact that we call wednesday hump day is kind of off-putting. not a big fan. just sayin’ ;)).

last night ended on a sour note, i’m afraid. the mood seems to have carried over into this sunny, frigid day. i climbed inside my head last night and just stayed there. once i’m locked in, it’s difficult to break out. it takes a lot of effort. which i am applying as we speak.

the funk came about for a few reasons. i climbed last night. with k and a mutual friend. climbing was a blast — i climbed my first 5.10a at our home gym, a big accomplishment considering our gym rates their routes on some crazy ridiculous level. i’m definitely getting stronger and taking more risks. two nights ago i also went climbing (with k…) and bouldered my first v.2. success! it’s amazing to see how far i’ve progressed in such a short amount of time.

anywho, with all that awesomeness going down it’s surprising a funk happened. but it did. i started to doubt myself. i started to feel “fat” (ugh, that word needs to die) and really, really unworthy. i felt uncomfortable and, unfortunately, disgusting in my own skin last night. part of it had to do with k and part of it had to do with the fact that lately, it’s been really difficult to just feel comfortable at all. i’m not going to lie: i’m trying to lose weight. and i’m trying to do it healthfully. it’s almost ridiculous how well i eat, too. but the scale hasn’t budged and my pants haven’t loosened up. i’m really stuck despite my diet and well-rounded exercise habits (just about every day, though the intensity differs as the activity changes daily. example: yoga and climbing monday, climbing yesterday, long, long walk today and maybe some yoga later.). it’s starting to frustrate me. any tips would be welcome…

but back to last night. i went to bed a little weepy and discouraged. i woke up discouraged and very blah. it’s hard being friends because i miss k, but it’s the right thing to do. especially when i remembered everything that went down. i know this feeling will pass but it has settled over my day. hopefully a few things will clear up the air. because i don’t want to sit in company with this beast for very much longer.

a lunch visit with my mommy might help! i’m excited πŸ™‚

and reading through my newest book that i cannot, for the life of me, put down. anyone else read it?

chuck palahniuk is such an engaging writer. i just finished lullaby right before invisible monsters. i seriously fly through his stuff (and i’m a slow reader) and have issues putting it down when i need to (say like…when i need to sleep. or clock back in from my lunch at work). i forgot how much i love reading! it’s so nice to be able to pick up whatever i want to read now instead of reading assigned things.

and, if the stars are aligned, i’ll hopefully make it to a club tonight with a friend and her boyfriend for dancing! little known fact: i love to dance. lovelovelove. i’m basically always moving to some beat in my head. i dance in public all the time. sorry if i’ve offended your eyes. i never said i was good at it πŸ™‚ but i’ve been wanting to go dancing for daaays so i’m just banking on my energy levels not being low (i’ve been up since three. after sleeping for oh, four hours? i opened…). fingers crossed!

i’ve got more interesting things to write about, i promise. this is getting long and i don’t want to bore you all to death any more. things to look forward to (maybe? hopefully?): a fashion post (PROMISE!), a book review (kara, this is for you! it’s been a long time coming and i JUST got the book back!), and a challenge! keep your eyes peeled. until then, enjoy your hump day πŸ˜‰

how do you cope with rotten moods and hard-to-shake mindsets?

update: i just finished an hour and fifteen minute vinyasa flow that completely restored me. i feel calm, steady, and refreshed. yoga is such a soul soother. savasana felt so nourishing and rewarding. yoga is such a present to the mind, body, and spirit!

namaste

zoe

might be my newest obsession. it’s getting bad. but oh-so-good.

but glee is more than just a show.

glee is taking the plunge and buying the most comfortable things my feet have ever slipped into.

glee is climbing. and seeing these sites (this is from a few weeks back)

glee is baking a cake for people you love (k’s cake…) a triple layer chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting and a chocolate peanut butter glaze a la smitten kitchen. (no, it’s not vegan. i was told it tasted like “a reeses cup!”


glee is going out with friends on saturday night. and drinking a beer.


yes. i am that short.

and glee…well, glee is feeling more comfortable in your skin each and every day. it’s a process, but i’m getting there. and i couldn’t be happier.

hope you all had a wonderful weekend. i’m going to cap off this sunday with some more glee. are you surprised :)?

what brings you glee?

namaste

zoe

a lot. like, a lot a lot. it hailed for three straight minutes the other day. it looked like snow blanketed the ground. kind of bananas, considering i do like in northern california and usually hail lasts for thirty seconds, tops.

anyway, the weather is not the point, really. more news regarding life and k is the point, really. on wednesday night i ended it with k, officially. nothing felt like it did before i found out all i found out. i didn’t feel as happy, or excited as i did before. i felt like we were forcing it. and you know what? he agreed. he and i both think he needs time to figure himself out and what he actually wants. it makes sense and i understand. i’m just sorry this happened at all. there was no need to rush into anything but we allowed our emotions to get the best of us. lesson learned, right?

we decided to be friends for the moment, because neither of us wants the other out of each others lives (…there’s something grammatically wrong in that sentence, but this english major is just too tired to figure it out). how do i feel? sad. but i know this is the right thing to do. i’ve had a little voice in the back of my mind telling me so for a little over a week now, ever since i found out all i found out. and you know what? i spent last night and part of this morning at work in complete misery but then i found some deep buried strength and clung to it. after work i went on a run, did some yoga, and spent the afternoon with a friend of mine. instead of wallowing, i’m choosing to focus on the good in my life, because the universe knows i need it now.

i’m really okay with being friends. who knows, we might end up back together in the long run. but i’m not going to focus on that, because the future is something i cannot predict. i’m focusing on right now. and right now, we’re friends. and there’s a million other guys out there who can better appreciate the person i am and actually commit themselves to something special. so. friends it is.

so it’s raining. and i’m trying not to be grey. watching the entire first season of glee is helping, that’s for sure. (oh yeah, i’m addicted. i don’t know how i resisted this for so long).

hope you’re having a lovely friday night and enjoy your weekend! i promise fashion things soon. whatchu think?

what do you do to keep yourself happy?

personally, i play good music, surround myself with good people, concentrate on eating well, and, of course, do ridiculous amounts of yoga and regular exercise :)!

namaste

zoe

FUCK THAT.

(my apologies for the profanity if you’re not a fan. i happen to be one, especially when i feel passionately about something. and i ain’t gonna censor me ;))

okay, i hear you: zoe, what are you effing off? let’s back up a few feet and ground ourselves in a less passionate place.

no one will deny the united states has a collective opinion about beauty and what it supposedly looks like.



you get the idea: flat stomach, toned arms, sculpted butt and thighs. (and, usually, blonde hair and fair skin, unfortunately)

but let me ask you a question: when was the last time you changed for anyone other than yourself?

because you are you, you are clearly amazing. and wonderful and smart and passionate and so, so beautiful, inside and out. you know all this. i know you know all this. yet, when was the last time you pined to be someone different than your own sassy, badass self? when was the last time you coveted a piece of someone so distinctly not you? when was the last time looked at your reflection, and felt unattractive and unworthy? (i hope it wasn’t recently!)

so this is what i say fuck that to: if we have and value our own individual opinions and perspectives about the world, why are we scrambling to adhere to a standard of beauty none of us really judge others by? tell me, would you ever call your friend “ugly” or “fat” just because he or she doesn’t look like one of the many bodies gracing magazine covers and television screens? of course not! because your ideas of beauty are most likely different than the “collective” ideas.

keeping all this in mind, ask yourself why you judge yourself (if you do) so harshly. if you are not holding anyone you love up to any standards, why are you holding yourself up to those (usually impossibly) standards? are we not supposed to love ourselves like we love our family and friends? why is embracing ourselves completely so difficult?

so i am saying fuck that to perfectionism. i’m saying fucking that to the standard collective ideas of beauty. i’m saying fuck that to compromising your own personal beliefs just to fit a mold we rarely hold others up against. i’m saying fuck that to not owning and believing in your own awesomeness, your own beauty. because trust me, it’s definitely there.

what do i find beautiful? a great sense of humor, a sparkling smile, a kind soul, a vivacious personality, confidence, intelligence, infectious happiness. oh, and, of course, the ability to say fuck that.

recently, i’ve been saying fuck that on a constant basis. i’m no longer trying to be anything but myself, and that includes not trying to force my body to look a certain way. it feels liberating to know, and more importantly to believe, that beauty truly does come in all shapes and sizes and colors.

what do you find beautiful? have you been able to say fuck it recently? tell me about it!

it seems northern california’s sunshine streak has officially ended. it’s raining outside! but it’s all right. i’m spending the majority of it inside at work, with friends nonetheless. i love my co-workers πŸ™‚ before i go, i want to wish you all a spectacular valentine’s day! remember it’s not just about the love from a significant other, but also the love from friends, from family. try and take a second to see just how much you are loved today (because i bet you’re loved so much!). oh, and keep you eye out for something i rarely post about: fashion! i had a fashion related sunday and can’t wait to share!

namaste

zoe

i never used food to punish myself in the past few days. though completely stressed this entire week, binge eating rarely occurred (maybe once, and on a very low scale). healthy eats seemed to be all i wanted. my comfort foods = carrots and hummus. funny how comfort foods change after living a new lifestyle for a year and a half.

i’m enjoying running again. maybe because i’m running to feel alive instead of running to punish myself or simply to burn calories.

…i‘m not worried about the number on the scale, even though it’s ten numbers up from where i thought i should be. i only seem to shrug it off every time i step on it. maybe it’s time to chuck the damn piece of useless plastic, huh?

i’ve maintained my current weight for three months. without trying. clearly my body wanted to be here all along.

i’m kind of in love with my curves. i can’t fight my genetics anyway and this is so obviously how i am built. my 34 D boobs stayed 34 D no matter how small i got last year. an indication? yes, i think so. do i want to lose weight? no, not necessarily, but i do want to tone up. that being said, however…

i don’t, and won’t, force the issue. i’d rather focus on being happy instead of focusing on (and obsessing over) my appearance. if i happen to lose weight along the way, cool. really though: whatthefuckever.

plus all my clothes still fit, anyway. just differently. meaning, they actually fit instead of fall off.

i look forward to all my work outs. i no longer see them as a chore that must be done but as an opportunity to feel alive. the feeling i get after moving my body cannot be compared to much else.

i’m still a little anxious when i look in the mirror of put on a pair of jeans. but then i remind myself i’m healthy again, and that this is what healthy people look like. and then i feel better almost immediately.

the negative moods i always seemed to swim in in previous months rarely strike me. and yes, i am enjoying this reemerging surge of positivity i thought i lost a long time ago.

interestingly enough, life feels a lot brighter and lighter. yes, some days i struggle but those days pop up infrequently. i am feeling stronger and more brave each day. do i still have issues i need to work on? of course. everyone does. but the difference between the me now and the me of months passed is that i am choosing positivity instead of negativity. i’m choosing to focus on the things in my life that really matter. like health and happiness. not the size of my waist, hips, thighs and stomach. that’s all just too stressful, don’t you think?

and, interestingly enough, i don’t think i can answer this question so well…

well, ten years is a long time for now. i hate looking into the future simply because i don’t know what’s going to happen. i don’t want to assume, i don’t want to say ‘i hope to be doing x, y, and z’ because i know that i’ll be changing so much in those ten years. i’ve changed so much in the four plus years i’ve been out of high school. it’s astounding.

but, i guess to give you a general impression of ‘where i want to be’, i’d say i’d want to be in a comfortable place in my life where i am truly happy. where i am doing something i love. i want to be feel supported by the people i love in my life and vice versa. i want all these superficial worries of mine to be non existent. and i want to give — my time, my love, my heart, my compassion, my energy. will all this happen? i don’t know. but i sure think it will!

hope you’re all having a wonderful saturday. me? well, i got off work about an hour ago, just ate some lunch, and am about to shred it with jillian michales before i go rock climb with some friends and drive on home for a little visit with my parents and one of my best, best, best and oldest friends (2nd grade!). enjoy the sunshine! (if you can at least…if you can’t, well, enjoy a picture of a warm beach while you cuddle up with some tea :))

what interesting things have occurred to you recently? where do you ‘want to be in ten years’?

namaste

zoe