Category Archives: real talk
March 17, 2011 you’re not thinking, you’re feeling
well, i am thinking a few things.
i’m thinking spicy veggie nachos should be eaten every day.
i’m thinking steam burns hurt. really, really badly.
i’m thinking about how amazing and beautiful this book i finished today is.
i’m feeling more things than i am thinking, though.
i’m feeling accomplished for being binge free for three days in a row and proud for catching myself at the beginning of one this morning.
because, you see my loves, this morning i woke up late. like, 11:00 am late. who am i?
i woke up feeling sad.
i woke up feeling anxious.
i’m feeling guilty for cutting my 90 minute yoga session short. the negative chatter in my mind was too distracting to finish the last forty or so minutes of movement. i caved to the negative.
i’m feeling heartbroken, because i allowed myself yesterday to acknowledge just how heartbroken i really am (about k…)
i’m feeling doubtful, of myself, my purpose.
i’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin.
i want to be this girl again:
this girl is happy. she is balanced. she is in love with life and its endless possibilities. and she’s in love with herself. she weighs less (truthful things i don’t feel like thinking or feeling about right now).
and, you know, i should be happy. yesterday went pretty well. i climbed my first v3 rated bouldering route. i basically decided the cute boy at the rock wall definitely thinks i’m cute. i’ve been feeding myself well and listening to my body. i’ve been moving in ways i like, not in ways i think i am “supposed” to be moving in. i’m moving through life right now but doing so feeling kind of empty.
earlier i talked to my mom. about everything. she told me something i can’t quiet shake out of my head: “you’re not thinking, you’re feeling.”
she couldn’t be more right.
i am feeling alone. i am feeling “fat”. i am feeling empty. i am feeling unworthy. i am feeling doubt. i am feeling sad. i am feeling so much i am forgetting to think.
about how loved i truly am.
about how much support i have.
about how worthy i am of life, love, happiness, and all the good bits and pieces in between.
i’m feeling so much i am forgetting to focus on what i have as opposed to what i don’t have.
i’m forgetting my body is an amazing thing, not something i should feel so miserable about.
i’m not thinking about all the possibilities life has for me right at this very moment.
i’m just not thinking.
right now, though? well, it’s a wonderful time to start thinking and forget feeling for a moment. the best way to do that? spend a night on the dance floor with your friends and some dubstep. have a safe saint patricks!
what are you feeling instead of thinking?
namaste
zoe
March 15, 2011 i’m not working out today
i’m not working out today.
it’s raining outside. jillian michaels couldn’t motivate my ass if she tried. my yoga mat feels farther away than it actually is. and my bed has me held captive since waking up over an hour ago. don’t try and rescue me. i can handle myself π
honestly though, i’m not working out today. something about typing that out three times makes it more real. last week i managed to fit movement of some kind into each of the seven days. the week before i did the same thing.
two days ago, as it rained outside, i sat inside with a friend. the rain came into our conversation and we both agreed how dreary it was, how unmotivating. i told her recently, motivating myself to work out has been really difficult, that all i really want to do is stay in bed and sleep all day. to which she replied: “well, you work out a lot. it’s okay to take a break you know.”
it’s okay to take a break? wait, excuse me? what? it’s okay? to take a break?
it’s okay to take a break!
(i guess i need to write things out more than once to reaffirm them for myself…)
her words kind of hit me hard. i never take breaks. i never sit on the couch all day and watch tv. i never spend all morning, all afternoon, all day in bed. recently, however, it seems like that’s all my body is up to doing. i’ve been sleeping a lot more than usual. a lot. i’ve been waking up two hours past the time i’ve been waking up at for the past two years. i never want to leave my bed. it doesn’t matter how many hours of sleep i get i still feel sluggish through out the entire day, exercise or no exercise. i’m not drinking coffee so i know it’s not that. but i know something’s off. i’m not cooking. i’m not writing. it’s a chore to eat anything as my appetite barely exists. my mind and body are so worn down.
maybe a rest day will help. maybe listening to my body’s cues (for once) for rest will reinvigorate me. who told me i needed to work out every day anyway? whose “healthy” advice replaced my own? i’m not going to lie — it’s going to take some effort to quell the anxiety over not moving. it’s going to take effort to rest. hah! what a sentence.
regardless, i’m fucking tired. so excuse me, if you will, i’ve got a day long date with my bed until i have to tie on my green apron at four and barista till close. which is at 11. i’m off at 11:30 pm. hmmm…maybe starbucks has a hand in my depleted energy levels…
when was the last time you stayed in bed all day?
namaste
zoe
March 12, 2011 leap, and the net will appear
before i dive into my latest rambling, i want to first acknowledge the horrific events occuring in japan. my positive thoughts go out to all the people affected. events like these make me feel badly for ever complaining. i know everyone has her own problems, but sometimes i feel shallow and stupid for worrying about what i worry about. my heart goes out to all the victims. i hope the healing process can begin soon…
(and on another side note, thank you all so much for your sweet, sweet comments. there were so thoughtful and heartfelt and i really appreciate them!)
—
i have never been a very independent person. i am shy, quick to over analyze, and grow anxious very, very fast in certain situations. i am hesitant to try new things alone and usually end up dragging a friend with me.
now, however, i see just how utterly important it is to erase the lines i’ve drawn around myself. two days ago, i had a breakthrough. and yesterday? i had a revelation.
breakthrough: thursday afternoon, i went climbing…alone. the only people i climb with are k and our mutual friend, joe. clearly k never lets me know when he climbs and joe never remembers (or chooses not to) inform me of his own climbing schedule so i generally get left out. i wallowed for a bit and grew anxious over the thought of rarely climbing again but then it hit me: i have myself. if people i considered friends suddenly want to leave me out of their lives, so be it. i have myself and i have legs that can take me to the wall. i have a voice to ask people for a belay. i have the ability to climb alone. so i did. and guess what? it was a blast! i almost chickened out, too. i’m so glad i didn’t! i cannot tell you the confidence i felt after climbing solo yesterday. i felt empowered and so capable.
revelation: i am the only person standing in the way of experiencing life. by doling out excuse after excuse, i am essentially denying myself opportunities — for fun, for growth, for learning. by sticking to the main road instead of carving out a new trail in a new direction, i am only deepening the grooves of paths i’ve walked a million and a half times. where’s the excitement in that? where’s the adventure? i’m so sick of not trying things i want to try simply because i am scared.
confidence comes from testing yourself. confidence comes from pushing past your comfort zones and truly discovering what you are capable of.
each day i’ve been trying to push past my comfort zone. i’ve been trying to listen to my inner voice and ignore the negative voice i tend to listen to more often. two days ago i went climbing alone. yesterday, i experienced a pretty powerful revelation. today? well…
today, i quit an hour long yoga podcast twenty minutes from the end. why? because i realized i hate baptise power yoga. because i realized the thought it of produced anxiety in my chest. because i realized i only pushed myself through it purely for a work out, not for a reconnection of mind and body. because when david farmer said “be true to you” i realized i wasn’t. so i stopped. i never stop a work out.ever. as a person attempting to calm my compulsive exercising habit, i think i just did myself a huge favor: i just acted out of self-love.
oh, and let me just reassure you — that was not easy. i am feeling an intense need to supplement with more activity. i’m judging. i’m uncomfortable.
yet…isn’t that what the road to self-love is?
aren’t we supposed to feel uncomfortable? isn’t that what moving past comfort zones is? i think so, and i intend to keep on keepin’ on. tomorrow? well, i have a special challenge for myself. i’m excited and nervous and feeling silly for even calling it a challenge. we all start somewhere though, right? i’ll show you tomorrow.
as for the rest of the day…it’s a bit sunny outside. i want to go out on a walk (originally planned pre-quitting yoga. not supplementing, promise!) to clear my mind and enjoy the patches of blue sky. it’s been nice recently, too…
hope you all have a wonderful saturday!
what have you done recently that’s “outside of your comfort zone”? what do you want to do if you haven’t? and what’s keeping you from doing it?!
namaste
zoe
February 18, 2011 it’s raining
a lot. like, a lot a lot. it hailed for three straight minutes the other day. it looked like snow blanketed the ground. kind of bananas, considering i do like in northern california and usually hail lasts for thirty seconds, tops.
anyway, the weather is not the point, really. more news regarding life and k is the point, really. on wednesday night i ended it with k, officially. nothing felt like it did before i found out all i found out. i didn’t feel as happy, or excited as i did before. i felt like we were forcing it. and you know what? he agreed. he and i both think he needs time to figure himself out and what he actually wants. it makes sense and i understand. i’m just sorry this happened at all. there was no need to rush into anything but we allowed our emotions to get the best of us. lesson learned, right?
we decided to be friends for the moment, because neither of us wants the other out of each others lives (…there’s something grammatically wrong in that sentence, but this english major is just too tired to figure it out). how do i feel? sad. but i know this is the right thing to do. i’ve had a little voice in the back of my mind telling me so for a little over a week now, ever since i found out all i found out. and you know what? i spent last night and part of this morning at work in complete misery but then i found some deep buried strength and clung to it. after work i went on a run, did some yoga, and spent the afternoon with a friend of mine. instead of wallowing, i’m choosing to focus on the good in my life, because the universe knows i need it now.
i’m really okay with being friends. who knows, we might end up back together in the long run. but i’m not going to focus on that, because the future is something i cannot predict. i’m focusing on right now. and right now, we’re friends. and there’s a million other guys out there who can better appreciate the person i am and actually commit themselves to something special. so. friends it is.
so it’s raining. and i’m trying not to be grey. watching the entire first season of glee is helping, that’s for sure. (oh yeah, i’m addicted. i don’t know how i resisted this for so long).
hope you’re having a lovely friday night and enjoy your weekend! i promise fashion things soon. whatchu think?
what do you do to keep yourself happy?
personally, i play good music, surround myself with good people, concentrate on eating well, and, of course, do ridiculous amounts of yoga and regular exercise :)!
namaste
zoe
- 2 comments
- Posted under life, real talk, weather
February 14, 2011 to which i say:
FUCK THAT.
(my apologies for the profanity if you’re not a fan. i happen to be one, especially when i feel passionately about something. and i ain’t gonna censor me ;))
okay, i hear you: zoe, what are you effing off? let’s back up a few feet and ground ourselves in a less passionate place.
no one will deny the united states has a collective opinion about beauty and what it supposedly looks like.
you get the idea: flat stomach, toned arms, sculpted butt and thighs. (and, usually, blonde hair and fair skin, unfortunately)
but let me ask you a question: when was the last time you changed for anyone other than yourself?
because you are you, you are clearly amazing. and wonderful and smart and passionate and so, so beautiful, inside and out. you know all this. i know you know all this. yet, when was the last time you pined to be someone different than your own sassy, badass self? when was the last time you coveted a piece of someone so distinctly not you? when was the last time looked at your reflection, and felt unattractive and unworthy? (i hope it wasn’t recently!)
so this is what i say fuck that to: if we have and value our own individual opinions and perspectives about the world, why are we scrambling to adhere to a standard of beauty none of us really judge others by? tell me, would you ever call your friend “ugly” or “fat” just because he or she doesn’t look like one of the many bodies gracing magazine covers and television screens? of course not! because your ideas of beauty are most likely different than the “collective” ideas.
keeping all this in mind, ask yourself why you judge yourself (if you do) so harshly. if you are not holding anyone you love up to any standards, why are you holding yourself up to those (usually impossibly) standards? are we not supposed to love ourselves like we love our family and friends? why is embracing ourselves completely so difficult?
so i am saying fuck that to perfectionism. i’m saying fucking that to the standard collective ideas of beauty. i’m saying fuck that to compromising your own personal beliefs just to fit a mold we rarely hold others up against. i’m saying fuck that to not owning and believing in your own awesomeness, your own beauty. because trust me, it’s definitely there.
what do i find beautiful? a great sense of humor, a sparkling smile, a kind soul, a vivacious personality, confidence, intelligence, infectious happiness. oh, and, of course, the ability to say fuck that.
recently, i’ve been saying fuck that on a constant basis. i’m no longer trying to be anything but myself, and that includes not trying to force my body to look a certain way. it feels liberating to know, and more importantly to believe, that beauty truly does come in all shapes and sizes and colors.
what do you find beautiful? have you been able to say fuck it recently? tell me about it!
it seems northern california’s sunshine streak has officially ended. it’s raining outside! but it’s all right. i’m spending the majority of it inside at work, with friends nonetheless. i love my co-workers π before i go, i want to wish you all a spectacular valentine’s day! remember it’s not just about the love from a significant other, but also the love from friends, from family. try and take a second to see just how much you are loved today (because i bet you’re loved so much!). oh, and keep you eye out for something i rarely post about: fashion! i had a fashion related sunday and can’t wait to share!
namaste
zoe
- 6 comments
- Posted under body talk, real talk