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zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

Category Archives: friends

last night i did something very uncharacteristically me.
last night i climbed out of my comfort zone.
last night i ignored all signs of ‘NO’ and went for it.
last night i had fun.

like, i-may-have-woken-up-still-drunk-fun.

(no, i didn’t get plastered. remember, i know my limits! but i definitely tipped onto the tipsy side ;))

okay, okay. i’ve alluded far enough.

last night i went dancing!

to which you might reply: dude, seriously? all that…forthat? i know, i know. just let me explain!

last night, before all the fun, i fell into a deep funk. i felt uncomfortable, i regretted eating dinner, i forgot about the love around me and felt alone. all i wanted was to crawl inside myself. and lately, i have been. i’ve been allowing myself to wallow and occupy my time turning over thoughts in my head. i’ve been withholding life from myself. again.

so last night, when my friend called and asked if i wanted to go to womp-womp (dubstep night!) at a local bar, i quickly accepted before negativity could answer for me. i dragged myself through an uncomfortable getting-dressed-to-go-out moment, forced a smile on my face, and walked out the door.

let me say this: i love music. and i love dancing. love. i got over caring what i looked like on the dance floor a really long time ago. (sometimes i wonder why and how i can be so confident in certain areas of my life and so wholly unconfident in others. especially when one confident area can influence another.) last night i let go. i danced my little heart out. i laughed a lot. i smiled a lot. basically, i lived life a lot.

i had more fun last night then i have had in months. there is so much more to life then sitting inside my house, inside my own head. if last night showed me anything, it showed me just how much i need to break out of my self-build prison. it’s stifling the life in me. i’m proud of myself for giving myself the kick in the butt i needed to get out the door last night, bad mood or not. i need to remember bad moods last as long as you want them to.

let me repeat that: bad moods last as long as you want them to.

and i’m tired of this persistent bad mood. i don’t need to be trapped here. positivity is a choice i need to make for the sake of my life more often. particularly when it leads to fun nights like last night! so today i am saying yes.

to a hike with a friend.
to wholesome meals.
to laughter.
to happiness.
and to (possibly!) more dancing later! fingers crossed!

i apologize for the posts with lack of pictures. i know they’re not as entertaining but i haven’t been snapping much. and i find more and more this blog is gravitating toward a different direction then the one i initially set up for it. that’s life though, isn’t it? i might be overhauling soon. the end of this month marks my one year blogaversary (did i spell that right?). kind of insane. it doesn’t feel like a year yet, it is. and i’m just itching for change πŸ˜‰

have a beautiful thursday. hope the day treats you well!

have you done something recently so very uncharacteristically you? how did it feel!? tell me about it :)!

namaste

zoe

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let’s get all high school english paper here and crank out a solid dictionary definition before we go any farther:

endurance
–noun

1. the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.
2. the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina: He has amazing physical endurance.
3. lasting quality; duration: His friendships have little endurance.
4. something endured, as a hardship; trial.

endurance and the act of enduring has been on my mind lately.

it was on my mind mid-way through level three of jillian michael’s 30 day shred earlier this morning. as i sunk down into another push-up, a thought occurred to me. some little voice went, “huh, i’m not huffing and puffing like i was two weeks ago.” then it went, “huh, i seem to not be doing the modified version, either. what the hell?”

my endurance is up. across the board. my runs feel stronger, my yoga sessions more solid. while climbing i don’t feel as fatigued as quickly and recovery feels speedy. mountain climbers don’t kick my ass like they used to. am i getting stronger? all signs point to yes. thank you, strength training. you are amazing. i don’t know why i shunned you for so long!

i endured a lot emotionally during the entire month of february. now that the month has officially come to a close, i feel better. k put me into a position where i doubted myself. a lot of these doubts have left me not feeling like i am enough. doubt prompted me to say, “i’m not good enough. i’m not pretty enough. i’m not funny enough. i’m not smart enough.” worst of it, doubt told me i am not worthy enough to eat. that if i was thinner things would be different. i’ve been enduring that voice as best as i can. i know those thoughts are not true.

sometimes, though, it’s difficult to convince yourself you are worth health and happiness so you reach out for the the only thing available to you for instant gratification. which, in this case, is converting back to old, awful habits that bring you nothing but a twisted, unreal sense of happiness. i know i need to eat and i know that not eating is unhealthy, but i’m still finding myself avoiding certain foods and feeling an uncomfortable, familiar sense of panic when confronted with them. example? for lunch i planned on eating a gluten free, brown rice wrap filled with veggies and beans. but when it came time to take out the wrap, i chickened out and stuck to the veggies and beans. it was kind of a downer.

the positive parts about this are i know these feelings of doubt will leave me soon. very soon. most already have. i feel loads better than last week. each day brings a stronger sense of renewed happiness. i credit this shift in attitude to friends and my family. sometimes i forget the support system surrounding me. i also credit this to the fact that i am seeing the situation realistically. this has nothing to do with me.

so on that note, i’m going out for a low-key bike-ride. i’ve got new music on zee old ipod (mumford & sons officially owns my soul, by the way) and i’ll bring along my camera, too. it’s beautiful outside in an almost-spring-but-still-winter kind of way. i can’t wait to show you! i hope you are all having a spectacular tuesday. i’ve got work later tonight but also a chance to see my friends as well. it’s shaping up to be a decent tuesday! (my least favorite day of the week!)

how do you endure? do you rely on yourself, or do you have a support system? have you seen any physical endurance changes? are mountain climbers not kicking your ass anymore, either?! :)!

namaste

zoe

(oh, and here’s a little mumford & sons action for you!)

but first. remember this?

woke up singing this. TLC was so cool, man.

but anyway…

tomorrow marks the start of march. march. can anyone else quite believe that? march, 2011. already i feel the year quietly slipping passed. sadness. however, i’m happy to close the book on february. it’s been a long month and i’m ready to leave it behind. in march i’m really going to concentrate on a few things. like happiness. and health. and the forthcoming spring. because after spring comes summer (!). and constant sunshine, shorts, tank tops, the beach, late nights, friends, swimming, out side climbing and i-could-go-on-and-on. for now though, i’ll concentrate on the present πŸ˜‰

and the present hasn’t been entirely too interesting. last night i caught the end of the oscars with my friends and a bottle or two of wine. i missed the entire red carpet business so i missed all the glitz and glam. but still…can we talk about how beautiful natalie portman is? for serious. girl crush!

and how cute were these two?

boycrushes. for sure πŸ™‚

and since i have little else to talk to you about on this dreary monday morning (arch nemesis rain expected later this week!), i’ll share some new information with you!

question number three! my thoughts on drugs and alcohol.

confession: i actually posted a long, detailed post about my thoughts and experiences. but the comments i received lead me to delete it. so this time around, i’m not going into detail. sorry, i know i’m all for honesty, but it seems like some people were not so down for the honesty i was offering. so here it goes.

i am not a stranger to drugs and alcohol. i don’t think anyone really truly is. we’re all affected or influenced by drugs in some way, directly or not. i can tell you my experience with drugs and alcohol started in high school. nothing scandalous and nothing on a large scale. i’ve never been one to get carried away. i know my limits and stick with them. the nothing scandalous things i became acquainted with followed me into freshman year of college and sophomore year. and junior and senior. however, sophomore year is when i dabbled a bit more in other areas of the drug world. so yes, i am familiar with some things i know other people look down on, especially in the “healthy living” community.

but honestly? i’m not an idiot. i know my limits and stick with them. i’ve never been one to alter my character just to look cool for another person or group of people. i’ve definitely been around people doing drugs i chose to not try. i’ve definitely turned down a hit, a glass, a pill. and that’s because i know myself. and i know what i am okay with and what i am not okay with. most importantly, i know that it’s okay to say no.

do i regret my experiences? absolutely not. they changed me for the better. my perspective on life took a 180. i see the people, things, and happenings in my life through a completely different lens. i am more patient, understanding, and less angry now. and no, i’m not going into any more detail than that.

so that’s it! i don’t drink very often and when i do, i stick to beer, wine, and tequila. not necessarily all in one night πŸ˜‰ basically it comes down to this: to each his own and as long as your habits are not infringing on my happiness and health, keep on keeping on!

that’s my plan for the day. keep on keeping on, i mean. i feel much better than yesterday. i went on a long, near seven mile run. it was some kind of magic, i’m telling you. i would have kept going but my knees were screaming at me. taking that as a sign to rest today. cause, you know, i actually take those cues from my body into consideration now. regardless, it felt amazing to just go.

i’ve got work at seven so i’ve got all day to do a whole lot of nothing. one thing about being out of school while everyone else is in it? not too many adventure buddies readily available. good thing i’m okay with spending time with only myself πŸ™‚

have a beautiful monday!

what about this up-coming new month are you most excited about? any goals, plans, randomness you want to share? go for it, i want to hear it :)!

namaste

zoe

i’m not crazy.

um. yeah. i know it’s a weird song.

but i’m feeling hella nervous. hella hella hella. okay, well maybe not nervous. but anxious. thought my anxiety levels were under control? me too. until last night.

last night our store had a meeting. so of course i saw k. i, maybe immaturely, did not say a single word to him the entire time. i didn’t even look at him. i figure his actions speak louder than his words. by ignoring me as he has recently, i figure it’s what he wants me to do as well. so i did. and it was not easy. later, while at work (i closed), i texted him to see if he was going to be home when i was off. i was picking something up from his roommate who wasn’t home and i never got a text back. this is when my anxiety started to sink in after an entire day free from it.

i drove to his house after work to talk, to ask him why he felt it necessary to ignore me, especially when we decided to be friends. his car wasn’t there. crazy person that i am, i drove to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment complex…and saw his car parked out front. talk about a punch in the stomach.

just to clarify — i never creep around trying to figure out where people are. but for the sake of my through-the-roof anxiety, i needed some answers. if k was going to ignore me, i knew it was up to me to just figure the whole thing out. it sucked to discover, but i had a sinking feeling it was happening anyway. at least i know now and can waste no more time worrying about the potential of getting back together. it’s not going to happen.

regardless of knowing now, i’m still feeling an incredibly amount of anxiety. for me, anxiety feels terrible. it seems to simmer my stomach bile and make me essentially live in the bathroom. my chest feels ready to explode and the urge to vomit becomes strong and difficult to ignore. recently, i’ve also realized my anxiety makes me cold. i find it really hard to stay warm. example: i’m under four blankets right now and i’m still shivering. all this makes eating difficult to do. everything i manage to put down wants to come right back up. the only way i know how to manage these feelings is to move. and constantly. i ate a smoothie earlier (but couldn’t finish it) and am planning on taking off on a long, long run shortly.

i feel used. and cheated. and really, really hurt. not only did i just lose a boyfriend, but i lost a friend. if they’re back together (which i’m basically sure they are), i know she will not let him hang out with me. i know this because i know her and how much she loathes me. if anything, i learned a very valuable lesson here: always give people time to heal from past relationships before allowing them to jump into new ones. especially with you.

i know deep down in my heart k still cares about me. i know he likes me. i know he has a difficult time being alone. most importantly though, i know i deserve better than this and like me or not, i’m washing my hands of this entirely. these are silly games i stopped playing in high school. last night i kept asking myself “what am i lacking? what am i not enough of for him?” doubt cornered me and threatened to keep me up until sunrise. after a lot of thought and a lot of text messages with my lovely, amazing, supportive friend victoria, it came down to this: nothing. i am not lacking anything. k is immature. and selfish. and i am worth more than immaturity and selfishness. just like you are, too.

to reaffirm these thoughts, i wrote them out, over and over again. sometimes writing things makes them real. i wrote “this is not about me” and “i am worthy of all good things” over and over and over. i covered a page with these words. and hearts.

i know it might look silly, but words are very powerful for me. it’s why i write. they’re a coping mechanism for me.

so do i feel lacking this morning? sort of. i know it’s not true. but i’m still sad. this is going to be difficult to work my way through but i know i have an amazing support system available to me. i’ll get through this. just with a little help from my friends.

how do you remind yourself of you’re worth only all good things, always?

have a wonderful sunday.

namaste

zoe

sometimes, you just need a really good friend to pull you out of your head. and the beatles, of course.

last night i spent a few hours at a friend’s house. we chit chatter over a few beers and he really helped me come to terms with the situation with k. he’s our mutual friend and such a level headed guy. his perspective changed my perspective and eased my anxiety which was starting to burn a hole in my chest. anxiety is an issue i know too much about, as i’m sure you do, too! regardless, i woke up this morning to sunshine and a new, familiar mood. i’m feeling much more settled, much more happy today. it always helps to share with a friend, right? talking about issues seriously always releases my worries.

anyway, i’m incredibly thankful. i sometimes forget about the support system around me. it’s solid and i should never doubt it like i do sometimes. i’m incredibly lucky to have people like my friend — let’s call him j — in my life.

since i’m feeling light hearted i figured i’d jump on the blog wagon and take this little survey! does this remind anyone else of myspace? confession: i was addicted to those surveys. i’m sure chunk palahniuck would have a word or two as to why πŸ˜‰ but whatevs. i’m doing it anyway!

a. age: twenty-one! my golden birthday is this year :)! (twenty-two on the twenty-second!)

b. bed size: hmm…i want to say double? it’s smaller than a queen. but it’s basically a big fluffy cloud of awesome πŸ™‚

c. chore you dislike: making my bed. cleaning the bathroom (i’m a used-to-be germaphobe). putting away laundry. despise!

d. dogs: not my best friend. i’m kind of terrified by them. coming around slowly, though!

e. essential start to your day: with breakfast! always have, always will.

f. favorite color: orange!

g. gold or silver: i much, much prefer silver to gold.

h. height: five foot one and a half inches. yes, the half inch is that important πŸ˜‰

i. instruments you play(ed): flute for a few years. i miss it! i still have it but i don’t really remember how to play or read music like i could. bummer. i used to know how to play the harry potter song. baller!

j. job title: barista? partner?

k. kids: not for a while, hopefully! and maybe not at all.

l. live: northern california, just outside of san francisco πŸ™‚

m. mom’s name: judy

n. nicknames: zo, bozo, zo-zo, z, and at one point in time z-force (don’t ask. it’s soccer related ;))

o. overnight hospital stays: none that i remember! i was a little inky-dink.

p. pet peeves: oh boy. i have way, way too many. um. chewing in my ear, when customers don’t specify what size drink they want (i.e: “can i get a white mocha?”), not using turn signals. really, there’s far too many to name!

q. quote from a movie: uh, on the spot? umm…slappa-the-bass! just watched this recently πŸ™‚

r. righty or lefty: riiiiighty

s. siblings: jesse! it’s his birthday today, actually! my little brother is all grown up and turned 17 on me overnight, i swear!

t. time you wake up: usually right around nine. i’ve been waking up around nine for about a year now, regardless of what time i go to sleep. i’m a big fan because i’m a huge morning person and i love embracing the day!

u. underwear: must be comfortable.

v. vegetables you dont’ like: olives. and endives. and that’s about it!

w. what makes you run late: the fact that i’m a hard core procrastinator! hah.

x. x-rays you’ve had: my back! when i was little (before memory kicked in) i had some spinal infection and, consequently, had to take back x-rays every five years until i was fifteen, which is when we found out my back fused itself and the doctors wouldn’t have to do it for me! and i’ve had my teeth x-rayed at the dentist, and my knees and ankle when i effed them up running and playing soccer. no breaks though! (knock on wood!)

y. yummy food you make: dessert :)!

z. zoo animal favorites: the zoo makes me uncomfortable but i love elaphants and giraffes and zebras!

well, i hope you’re all enlightened and well educated about me now ;)! got any other questions you want to ask me? go for it :)!

i’m finishing up breakfast over here. in bed. what? it’s saturday and i’m feeling lazy ;). after i finish up i’m thinking of taking a walk. it’s sunny outside and lately, i’ve been craving walks like a crazy person! really, i just want to be outside all the time. seriously. it’s bad. but there’s also a climbing competition today at my college and you bet your ass i’m going to be there! so pumped! unfortunately i have work today from 6-12 (yes, 12 as in midnight) so it looks like the sunshine hours are my free hours today. darn πŸ˜‰

what are your plans for saturday! for the weekend?

whatever they are, i hope you have a good one!

namaste

zoe

might be my newest obsession. it’s getting bad. but oh-so-good.

but glee is more than just a show.

glee is taking the plunge and buying the most comfortable things my feet have ever slipped into.

glee is climbing. and seeing these sites (this is from a few weeks back)

glee is baking a cake for people you love (k’s cake…) a triple layer chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting and a chocolate peanut butter glaze a la smitten kitchen. (no, it’s not vegan. i was told it tasted like “a reeses cup!”


glee is going out with friends on saturday night. and drinking a beer.


yes. i am that short.

and glee…well, glee is feeling more comfortable in your skin each and every day. it’s a process, but i’m getting there. and i couldn’t be happier.

hope you all had a wonderful weekend. i’m going to cap off this sunday with some more glee. are you surprised :)?

what brings you glee?

namaste

zoe

i never used food to punish myself in the past few days. though completely stressed this entire week, binge eating rarely occurred (maybe once, and on a very low scale). healthy eats seemed to be all i wanted. my comfort foods = carrots and hummus. funny how comfort foods change after living a new lifestyle for a year and a half.

i’m enjoying running again. maybe because i’m running to feel alive instead of running to punish myself or simply to burn calories.

…i‘m not worried about the number on the scale, even though it’s ten numbers up from where i thought i should be. i only seem to shrug it off every time i step on it. maybe it’s time to chuck the damn piece of useless plastic, huh?

i’ve maintained my current weight for three months. without trying. clearly my body wanted to be here all along.

i’m kind of in love with my curves. i can’t fight my genetics anyway and this is so obviously how i am built. my 34 D boobs stayed 34 D no matter how small i got last year. an indication? yes, i think so. do i want to lose weight? no, not necessarily, but i do want to tone up. that being said, however…

i don’t, and won’t, force the issue. i’d rather focus on being happy instead of focusing on (and obsessing over) my appearance. if i happen to lose weight along the way, cool. really though: whatthefuckever.

plus all my clothes still fit, anyway. just differently. meaning, they actually fit instead of fall off.

i look forward to all my work outs. i no longer see them as a chore that must be done but as an opportunity to feel alive. the feeling i get after moving my body cannot be compared to much else.

i’m still a little anxious when i look in the mirror of put on a pair of jeans. but then i remind myself i’m healthy again, and that this is what healthy people look like. and then i feel better almost immediately.

the negative moods i always seemed to swim in in previous months rarely strike me. and yes, i am enjoying this reemerging surge of positivity i thought i lost a long time ago.

interestingly enough, life feels a lot brighter and lighter. yes, some days i struggle but those days pop up infrequently. i am feeling stronger and more brave each day. do i still have issues i need to work on? of course. everyone does. but the difference between the me now and the me of months passed is that i am choosing positivity instead of negativity. i’m choosing to focus on the things in my life that really matter. like health and happiness. not the size of my waist, hips, thighs and stomach. that’s all just too stressful, don’t you think?

and, interestingly enough, i don’t think i can answer this question so well…

well, ten years is a long time for now. i hate looking into the future simply because i don’t know what’s going to happen. i don’t want to assume, i don’t want to say ‘i hope to be doing x, y, and z’ because i know that i’ll be changing so much in those ten years. i’ve changed so much in the four plus years i’ve been out of high school. it’s astounding.

but, i guess to give you a general impression of ‘where i want to be’, i’d say i’d want to be in a comfortable place in my life where i am truly happy. where i am doing something i love. i want to be feel supported by the people i love in my life and vice versa. i want all these superficial worries of mine to be non existent. and i want to give — my time, my love, my heart, my compassion, my energy. will all this happen? i don’t know. but i sure think it will!

hope you’re all having a wonderful saturday. me? well, i got off work about an hour ago, just ate some lunch, and am about to shred it with jillian michales before i go rock climb with some friends and drive on home for a little visit with my parents and one of my best, best, best and oldest friends (2nd grade!). enjoy the sunshine! (if you can at least…if you can’t, well, enjoy a picture of a warm beach while you cuddle up with some tea :))

what interesting things have occurred to you recently? where do you ‘want to be in ten years’?

namaste

zoe