Skip to content

zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

Category Archives: running

today i woke up curious about one thing: running.

i know, i know. i kicked the habit about a month ago. but something in me today wanted to experiment, to see how my body might react. i promised myself i’d walk if i felt uncomfortable or miserable. so, after rolling out of bed, i chomped down a date, laced up my running shoes (which felt weird) and walked out the door. how’d it go?

a little something like this: brisk walk for five-ish minutes to warm up. then the running began. it definitely felt interesting to move through the running motions again. my pace was slow, though not heavy. it took a couple of minutes to steady my breath but once i did, it felt okay. nothing hurt i’m happy to report. no knee pain, no tight hamstrings. the last mile did not go so well. whatever fun i found in the beginning of the run faded and, in keeping with my promise, i walked the last half mile. in all i think i ran just over three miles (i took my old four mile loop) which to me felt perfect. i came home and stretched it out which felt even better.

will i run again? most likely not. it didn’t feel as fun as i wanted it to be but i’m glad i attempted it. and i’m glad i listened to my body. maybe i’m just not cut out to be a runner. and you know what? that’s okay. now yoga, well…yoga and i are deeply involved in a whirlwind love affair. i’m definitely cut out to do yoga and that makes me happy. i think one of the main reasons i ran is because so many bloggers i admire run. however, i’m learning my body is just that — my body. and i’m listening to it now.

and it totally wanted this perfectly purple smoothie when i got back from my run!

i know it’s a bit difficult to tell, but that smoothie is just about the same color as my bowl! into the blender went one (organic!) banana, the last of my frozen watermelon, some frozen berries, and some farmer’s market kale. topped with cinnamon and coconut. it was good. and filling. however, i’m now freezing. you’d like the middle of august in california might be hot, right? wrong. it is almost one (uh, where’s the day going?) and completely overcast. and cold. the clouds come and night and kind of refuse to leave sometimes. we have yet to have a warm summer night. it’s a complete bummer because warm summer nights are what i look forward to every year. oh well…

i also recently experimented with some mushrooms! i combined the following as a marinade/sauce:
3 t apple cider vinegar
2 t olive oil
1/2 t bragg’s liquid aminos
1 t cumin
1/4 t cayenne
splash of water
squeeze of a lemon
dash of pepper
dash of garlic powder (optional)

then, i roughly chopped some mushrooms and poured the marinade/sauce over them. i let them soak up the flavor for a good day (unintentional. i meant to eat it for dinner later that night but ended up at the giant’s game for jerry garcia tribute night!!!) and the results were really awesome! super spicy (just how i like it) and tasty. i turned it into a wrap. collard green wraps may be my new favorite thing. also, i’m finding i love raw foods. loooove. anyway, it looked a little something like this (hit it!…yeah, i’m a dork, so what? ;))

inside my collard green wrap went the mushrooms, some purple cabbage, and some farmer’s market tomato. how pretty are all those colors together!?! this is why vegetables excite me so much. they’re so pretty.

upclose!

i also tried okra for the first time yesterday! i bought some after wanting to for a while. i’ve heard of their slimy reputation so i baked them. and paired it with ketchup. um. can we say new obsession?

i saved some for another dish i want to make. i’ll share that with you tomorrow, i’m thinking! anyways, it FINALLY looks like it’s clearing up! and i want to get in my dose of sunshine for the day before work at 5. have a great wednesday, everyone!

namaste!

zoe!

as the days of summer continue to whittle away, i’d love to share with you all the emotional, frustrating, exhilarating, and at times frustrating few months i’ve had on this adventure we call life. plus, caitlin’s operation beautiful book just dropped so i figured what better time!

let me start from the beginning. self-confidence has always been an issue for me. i grew up with a mother who trash talked herself and in a culture where thin people earned more respect and attention and “fat talk” was simply a part of life. i floated through middle school envying the skinny popular girls and wondering why i did not receive the same attention from boys. during high school i sunk into the background, never wishing for attention and always shying away from any i got. no one could like me because i was ugly. because i was fat. because i was wholly unacceptable. even my boyfriend in highschool never got to touch me because i was so uncomfortable with myself.

during my first year of college i gained a significant amount of weight. i fell into the trap i swore i would not. my roommates and i spent many a night shoveling processed, unnecessary amounts of foods into our mouths. i did not watch what i ate. and, although i went to the gym, i still managed to gain a good ten pounds. ten pounds on a 5′ 1″ person looks like 20. by the end of freshman year i was absolutely miserable. i hated myself more than ever.

over the summer i lost the weight i gained and in returned gained a new confidence. i got a new boyfriend and a new group of friends. things went swimmingly. then i went to south africa over the summer. during my amazing trip, i managed to loose about ten pounds without trying. we walked everywhere, did not eat late at night, and ate three meals around the same time every day. plus, south africa does not use fake ingredients in their foods. my body took to the movement and the lack of processed foods very well.

so when i came home last august, i made the decision to become a vegetarian (happy one year to me!…though i’m vegan now!) and keep my lifestyle a healthy one. i liked how i looked and i loved how i felt. around the same time, i started to run. i utilized my school’s gym and hit the treadmill before my classes four days a week. although never “fat,” i certainly was not in great shape. i weighed somewhere between 130-135. and i am quite little — 5′ 1″. no one ever mentioned my weight to me besides my doctor, who cautioned against gaining any more weight because, according to the BMI chart, my weight teetered on overweight. (by the way, eff the BMI chart. it’s so ridiculous)

at first the runs were difficult. but eventually, i worked up to running 30 minutes without stopping at a pretty decent pace. i felt accomplished and happy. weight continued to come off. i never weighed myself because i could see and feel the difference. friends and family frequently commented on my weight loss, telling me how “skinny” and “thin” i looked. boys started noticing me more, too. talk about a confidence boost!

but, somewhere over our 6-week winter break, my healthy habits started to become unhealthy. i am a competitive person by nature. i know this about myself and mostly keep it in check but sometimes it gets the best of me. i remember learning of a friend’s completion of a 5-mile run. “wow,” i thought, “i wish i could do that.” so i did. i wanted to be better, to run longer, harder, and faster. so i upped the amount of days i ran. four became five and eventually, five became six and sometimes seven. i never ran under three miles. part of me loved running and part of me despised it. but if i did not run, i did not “deserve” to eat. if i did not run, i would become fat overnight. if i did not run, my entire day was ruined.

during this period of time (which, quite honestly, only ended roughly a month ago) i started unconsciously restricting my food intake. i cut out refined sugars. i cut out high fat foods. avocados scared me. and i cringed when i used “too much” olive oil. high calorie foods caused anxiety to well up inside of me. i questioned eating anything over 200 calories. i remember an instance at a family dinner a few months ago when my dad plated my dish for me. inside a bell pepper he put brown rice. but i thought he put too much and subsequently freaked out. i felt uneasy and panicky. i promptly removed a good portion of it.

when did i turn into this person? when did this beast of an inner voice become so strong?

on days i “over ate” (aka: binged) i killed myself by working out. i ran longer and harder the next day. i pushed myself through work out DVD’s. i found the more i pushed and the more i restricted, the stronger my urge to binge became and the unhappier i felt. suddenly, whenever i looked into the mirror, i did not see a pretty me. instead i saw fat. i saw ugly. i saw “trouble” areas. i cried so much on days where my self confidence refused to come out of its hiding place. i stopped going out because i felt so uncomfortable. i sunk into myself and instead of feeling happy and energetic, i only felt sleepy and depressed. and although i constantly worked out and left little or no room for rest, i found myself gaining weight. and losing my sanity.

i even found myself hunched over the toilet on nights i thought i “ate too much.” i can tell you i’ve always been the person who said “i could never throw up or starve myself” but i did it. and i was always shocked when i did.

about a month ago i made the (incredibly) difficult decision to stop running. almost immediately i felt lighter and happier internally. i threw myself into yoga, now my main source of activity. i cannot express to you how much yoga has helped me along my path to a happy, healthy, more balanced me. yoga lead me to a stronger self, both inner and outer. my core is stronger. my soul is stronger. every time i step off the mat i feel accomplished, proud, and whole. and, unlike running, i actually want to do yoga. yoga saved me from myself.

this summer has been one of growth. i broke down and collapsed and am now rebuilding myself anew. so much has changed in the span of one month. i look in the mirror and appreciate the body staring back at me. and i not only appreciate the body reflected in the glass — i appreciate the person, too. i spent nearly a year caught up in my appearance. i thought my worth as a human being relied on my thin exterior. no one wanted a “fat” girl. how silly. confidence should never be tied to how you look. it should reflect you as a whole. i am slowly starting to see the beauty in myself. i am worthy of all good things. you, my friend, are worthy of all good, beautiful things. i never used to believe in my self worth. but i believe in it now. i am truly a beauty, inside and out. and this beauty has almost done away with that ugly, ugly beast.

i’m not perfect; i have moments of doubt. but i no longer find myself in tears before the mirror. i no longer panic when presented with high calorie, high fat foods. because i realize now i feed myself well. and good food equals a good, healthy mind and body. there is nothing for me to be afraid of now. whenever i find myself in doubt, i remember a few things:

worrying about the superficial only takes away from the joy life
i am all these things i always told myself i was not
and, my personal favorite a la regina spektor, “i have a perfect body, but sometimes i forget.”

i challenge you now to throw out the fat talk. stop doing exercise you hate simply to “burn calories.” find something you actually love to do and will bring pure happiness to your life. write out a list of everything you appreciate about yourself and tack it above your mirror.

but most of all, believe in yourself. believe in yourself and you’ll find that beast gone, once and for all.

namaste.

zoe.

hey kidlettes.

i don’t have much to say today, really. one of my really, really close friends just left this morning for his hometown (southern california) before he jumps ship to spain. for a year. i won’t physically see him until next august so i’m a little bummed and just kind of waiting for that reality to sink in.

so i think today i’m going to just leave you with some thoughts instead of delving into a giant topic.

remember the past few months? and how whiney and miserable i appeared? well, firstly i apologize for that. sometimes i forget how little i truly have to complain about. but i am only human (j. mraz says it best!) after all and sometimes it feels impossible to overcome that heaviness sitting in your chest. but we always eventually get past it, right? and i am happy to report the levels of happiness, wholeness and contentment i’ve felt lately have remained strong. i know i mentioned it before but the power of positive thinking is seriously phenomenal. my skin has cleared up. my depression has faded away considerably. my food anxieties have lessened. i smile more. i laugh more. i feel confident in most everything i do. and when i look in the mirror i never see the person i used to see. instead, i see a strong person staring back at me. i see a healthy, determined, happy individual.

in the mail the other day i received a copy of brendan brazier’s thrive. of course i immediately cracked it open! one of the first things he discusses is the power of stress. i never quite realized how powerful stress truly is. according to braizer, stress (obviously) inhibits happiness. it can cause a person to gain weight, breakout, feel tired and depressed, all things i experienced intensely these past few months. he also discussed physical stress and its impact on the body. he shared a story in which he overtrained his body and undernourished it in order to loose weight. instead, he gained fat and felt lethargic.

in applying this to my life, i clearly see now how running put my body under such intense stress. the more i pushed myself physically and undernourished myself, the more unhappy i felt, inside and out. my body went into a high stress mode and slowed my metabolism and effed with my sense of mental security. i know i’ve mentioned how wonderful i feel now that running and i broke up, but my body feels wonderful, too. i’ve lost that extra fluff i’ve been so worked up about (my girl still exists though, it won’t go away entirely. but i’m so okay with it :)) and i feel less tired and miserable. breaking up with running was the best thing i’ve ever done.

have you ever made a difficult decision which you eventually ended up benefitting from?

the other day at cafe gratitude (yes, hello. my name is zoe and i have an addiction) our waitress asked us the question of the day: “what are you letting go of?” my response? myself.

have a great day, kidlettes.

namaste

zoe

good very early morning kidlettes. hope you’re all sleeping soundly.

i’ve got some things on my mind.

i just returned home from a friend’s going away party. twas quite blah. but i got to bike home which was relaxing (i love the stillness of night. i usually work out better when i am in a quiet environment!) AND my friend victoria is back in town! it was great to see her; she’s been in France and away for about a month.

and while talking to victoria at the party, i inadvertently stumbled upon a revelation. one of those revelations you knew all along but did not have enough courage to speak aloud. regardless, i found myself saying the words aloud easily and without hesitation: “yeah, i think running and i are on a little break right now.” the statement sounded real and truthful. it felt real and truthful. my chest felt lighter; hearts always speak the truth.

something in my body loved that pronouncement, hugged it with all its being. i finally admitted to myself the very fact i’ve been dodging for two months, about when it crept out from the shadows of my mind: i cannot find anything remotely attractive about running right now save for the fact that it burns a ton of calories. and i don’t want to look at exercising as solely a form of burning a ton of calories. i want to view exercise as a means to keep my mind and body healthy. i want to use exercise to keep me happy, not unhappy and miserably chugging through sixty minutes of torture. i am afraid my outlook on exercise has shifted negatively some how. what started out healthy enough has turned into a semi-compulsive need to torch calories in order to stay slim.

i finish my runs of late with only one thought: well, at least i burned a lot of calories! …nuh-uh. way too negative and unhealthy of a thought. it makes me uncomfortable to admit this and it makes me upset to seriously acknowledge it but i know when i have an issue. and i most definitely have an issue with running. my last few runs felt stiff, tight, and unbearable. and since i’m learning to wholly appreciate this body of mine, i am listening to it’s current disagreement with running. i know ignoring the compulsive itch to run will be very difficult, as on days when i do not run, i do not feel like i “deserve” to eat a healthy amount of food. i restrict on these days and feel my food anxieties more deeply. i am not anorexic, but i certainly do not eat as much as i should.

while i will start repressing my anxious body’s need to run, i will start to adhere to my healthy body’s daily demand for yoga. i already have. yoga, unlike running, leaves me feeling strong and connected to my body. yoga calms me. yoga soothes me, body, mind, and soul. i leave my mat centered, happy, and confident. and i break a good sweat.

i appreciate this body. the other day, ilana asked us to share with her what we loved about our bodies. immediately, i wrote how i love my curves, which i do. i also wrote how i loved the fact my abs are finally starting to show definition, which i also love. but after i wrote this i reread my comment and realized everything i wrote centered on appearance. it revealed to me how conscious i actually am about the outside of my body. i appreciate it when it looks good, and loathe it when it looks “bad”. on these unfortunate days i forget what my body does for me. i am still missing the bridge between appreciating the body for all it can do and how it looks. to begin truly, honestly loving this body, i need to start rebuilding that bridge, because i burned it a long time ago.

so that’s it. running and i are on a break. will i cave and pull a crazy rendezvous with running? it’s quite possible. i ran the other day when i said i wouldn’t because i felt panicky about not working out “hardcore”. and yeah, it sucked. i may use the parent’s treadmill for intervals because i found i really enjoyed those but the open road and the soles of my running soles will not be speaking for a cool minute.

and you know, regina spektor did say it best: i have a perfect body, but sometimes i forget.

treat yourself with kindness. you deserve it.

namaste.

zoe.

goooood morning kidlettes! hope all is well on your end of the blog-o-sphere.

i just finished some good morning stretching. i wake up and do some form of yoga every morning. it helps wake me up and it feels awesome to stretch first thing in the morning.

now, the title of this post is “inspiration”. yesterday, i was “inspired” by evan’s delicious sounding sauce! i tweaked it a little bit to fit with what i had in my pantry. i omitted the extra two tablespoons of brown sugar, did not have tamari on hand so i used bragg’s liquid aminos, and replaced orange juice with lemon, smooth peanut butter with chunky (because i do not own smooth).

and boy oh boy did it turn out great! so tangy! i plopped some tempeh in it and lunch was on:

i rolled it up and ate these babies wrap style. so tasty! i followed it up with an apple and a walk to my friend’s house.

but by inspiration, i really did not mean food inspiration. i meant inspiration on different terms. since overhauling my diet almost a year ago, i’ve noticed several changes in myself, obviously. but i have also noticed changes in those around me. especially recently.

i find handfuls of friends approaching me with running related questions or yoga inquiries. friends proudly tell me they ran for x number of miles. my mom and dad inform me of their previous night’s dinner which contained brown rice, something almost unheard of. my parents meals look much more healthy and wholesome in comparison to the meals of a year ago. other family members share their healthy eats with me whenever i see them. ditto with friends. candace even thanked me a few months ago for introducing her to the world of healthy eating.

it’s amazing how much my habits have inspired others to take on healthy habits of their own. i do not want to take all the credit because i do not think i deserve it all, but i certainly puts a smile on my face to think my healthy lifestyle has rubbed off on the people i love.

however, i do see a negative flip side to all this positivity. sometimes, it does make me feel uncomfortable, as i feel some friends only parade their work out accomplishments in front of me as a form of competition. which is lame. very lame. because i am not about that. and it also makes me uncomfortable when family members or friends comment on my diet in a sarcastic tone, as if attempting to embarrass me for eating the way i eat. sometimes, i think my lifestyle choices inadvertently make others embarrassed of their own which in turn leads them to believe i am judging them in some way. which of course i am not.

do i feel the need to defend my lifestyle? when i feel attacked, yes, but i try and keep the comments in. i try and remind myself that the teasing comes from a deeper place outside of myself.

plus, i get much more positivity anyway! and i choose to concentrate on that.

have you found your lifestyle inspires others? if so, how? or have you found yourself awash in negative comments? how do you deal?

and as a third installment to inspiration, i feel the need to say this: i am so very uninspired as of late to work out. i went on a disastrous run the other day. my legs felt like lead. i could not get my breathing under control. i was miserable the entire run. lately, the idea of a run sounds so incredibly off putting it’s not even funny. i am falling out of love with running, yet again. which makes me nervous. because running is what keeps my weight under control. and i still struggle with anxiety on “rest” days or “off” days. i find myself not eating as much under the pretense that i “don’t deserve” to eat as much because i did not work out. it’s effed, i know, but food anxieties still exist despite my attempts to ward them off. i’m trying to stay positive but i have this feeling that my insecurities will creep back in (as they usually do) if i forego exercise.

so i guess i am wondering how you inspire yourself for a work out? i don’t think i can stomach a run for a while, at least that’s how it feels today. and i really don’t want to force myself to do anything because i’ve learned that only makes me hate the activity and resent it completely. but i still need to work out! help?

namaste!

zoe!

gaah david bowie warms my heart.

what a day what a day.

good news: the MRI of my knee revealed NOTHING BAD. doc told me i could run as much as i want, as hard as i want and no damage will be done. score one! after lunch i received a knock-knock on my front door. upon answering, one of my really good friends stood before me! we went on a solid 45 minute bike ride in the sunshine. score two! i did a new baptise power yoga flow today. score three! and i whipped up healthy eats all day. score four!

until, well, about half an hour ago. am i bummed i binged again? yes. am i beating myself up for it? not really. want to know why?

i am currently reading skinny bitch. not for diet reasons, not because i want to go vegan (check and check), but because i wanted to see what all the hype was about! reviews on several blogs discuss the gruesome detail the authors include in their book. while i absolutely loathe the title, i am finding the book inspiring as well as informative. no wonder i feel better without dairy in my life. since cracking these pages i have yet to crave any form of animal product (how nose-in-air-hoity-toity does that sound?).

how does this relate to me not feeling badly about bingeing again? (well, don’t get me wrong, i do feel badly. not so much guilty, just…disappointed. i am disappointed i disrespected my body again. new way of handling these compulsive needs to eateateat? telling myself how much i am eating. i.e: you just ate a cup of flour. you just ate half a cup of chocolate chips (assuming i’m baking here). putting the portions in perspective usually helps!)

because i just read this:

it is well known in alcoholics anonymous that you’re only “one drink away from your next drunk.” this means we think we can control our addictions. “i’ll just have one drink. i’ll just have pizza this one time. i’ll just eat half a piece of cake.” the truth of the matter is that we are powerless over our addictions…it is very easy to obliterate all your progress with one bite, sip, or puff.

and this:

heroin, cocaine, alcohol and nicotine all trigger the brain’s pleasure circuitry. and not surprisingly, chocolate, sugar, and cheese also affect this same part of the brain. so you see, we can be physiologically addicted to food.

and this:

when we eat, all of our body’s energy goes toward digesting, using, and storying the food and eliminating the waste. when we don’t eat, all of our body’s energy goes toward digesting, using, and storing the food, and eliminating the waste. when we don’t eat, all of our body’s energy goes toward cleaning house…after two to three days of fasting, the body goes into autolysis, and actually starts digesting its own cells. with its wisdom, the body selectively decomposes the tissues and cells that are diseased, damaged, old dead or in excess (fat).

why paragraph one matters:
it IS very easy to obliterate all your progress with one bit, sip, or puff. i have come so far. so, so, so far. i put so much effort into rebuilding my body and my diet. yet, recently, i have allowed my vices to return stronger than ever. although i bake up brownies with intentions of “just eating one chunk” i loose all control and down the entire pan. i cannot control my addiction.

why paragraph two matters:
what is my addiction? plain and simple. sugar and chocolate. i am a sweets whore. and i always have been. i love food, all kinds. but i especially love sweets. i have a raging sweet tooth that refuses to be ignored. i know it is possible to tame — i did it last summer and basically for the past year with a few mishaps. i am physiologically addicted to sugar (although i do not consume refined sugar any more and have not for a while now. in this way i KNOW it is possible to overcome addictions. i used to love a lot of foods i can not imagine eating now. animal products anyone?).

why paragraph three matters:
i finally figured out what happened to my stomach last summer. that paragraph references a part of skinny bitch where the authors go into detail about fasting. now, i did not fast last summer, far from it. but i ate significantly less. i did not eat late at night and when i did eat, i ate enough to fill me up and stopped. mostly though, i did not eat sugar and chocolate like i did back in the states. when i eased up on the bad shit, my body hugged me from the inside out. no wonder my skin cleared up. no wonder i felt happy all the time. no wonder my stomach disappered.

so what does this all really mean?

i’m giving up my addiction for thirty days. i will not bake a single thing. i will not eat anything chocolate-y. i will ignore my body’s demand for my food drugs.

i am going to jump start the thirty days by eating only raw foods for one week. i know my body reacts well to raw foods — quite by accident i ate raw for a few days this past semester. mood? up. energy? up. weight? down. stomach? flat.

i know what i have to do. i know this will be difficult. but i also know i will benefit from it immensely, both physically and mentally. my body will fight me with intense cravings but i know i am stronger than those cravings. i am stronger than i think. i am starting next monday.

before i do that though, i’d like to share with you a recipe i just made. for awesomely fudge-y brownies. (adapted from the lovely mama pea!)

what you’ll need:
1/2 cup millet flour (i usually bake gluten free things. i find my body reacts well to gluten free food. i am in no way allergic and totally still eat gluten-y foods from time to time, but my stomach is always less…ahem, gassy when i eat gluten free!)
1/4 cup brown rice flour
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1.5 t baking powder
1 t baking soda
1/4 t salt
half a t xanthan gum (fasho found this at target for like…11 dollars! cheapest yet. so i splurged :))
1 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix!)
1/4 cup blackstrap molasses (molasses is full of iron! and feel free to use regular molasses too. i just have blackstrap on hand!)
1 T agave
2 T vanilla
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips (make sure they’re vegan! unless you’re not vegan ;))

what you’ll need to do:
preheat the oven to 350

mix all dry ingredients. mix all wet ingredients (in another bowl!). add wet to dry. it will be kind of doughy. add chocolate chips then spread out into a (small) pan. i used my hands to press out the batter since it was pretty thick. pop into oven and cook for about 20 minutes.

these turned out really well. i’ve been experimenting with molasses as a sweetener lately (i do not cook with refined sugars. unless i am cooking for someone else :)) and YUM. it adds a mild sweetness. these are certainly not ridiculously sweet brownies. the chocolate chips add the best subtle sweetness and the pumpkin provides a dense, fudge-y consistency. seriously, these are really good. i will be sad to give them up! but such in life. i will survive.

hope everything is well where you are kidlettes. i have some exciting news to share with you tomorrow, so keep your eyes peeled 🙂

namaste.

zoe.

what a whirlwind week!

but first: seriously, when did it suddenly become july?

okay, back to it.

i am finally home! i am glad to be back but i for sure miss candace. it was awesome to spend those four days with her in san diego! it flew by. for reaaaals. what did we do? i got to go to the beach! i got to bake a vegan birthday cake! i kicked it around tourist-y old town! i hung out with friends! i went to dave and busters (ridiculous)! a lot of fun times were had.

the best thing though? i got to talk to candace about my food and body issues. one night i felt the urge to share it with her and proceeded to unloaded all of my secrets. however, to my surprise, candace replied she already knew. although i thought i kept my negative, destructive habits tucked safely in the shadows, turns out they were right out in the open the entire time. candace knows how much i struggle but simply has no idea what to say or how to help me. despite all that, she did what any amazing, fantastic, best friend would do: she offered me her ear whenever i felt the need to talk.

it felt incredibly reliving to share all of these thoughts face to face with another person. i’ve know i can depend on candace for emotional support. i’m really not sure why i thought this issue would be any different.

candace’s birthday was on tuesday. for birthday’s, i usually always bake them their favorite cake from scratch. candace wanted a rainbow cake with cream cheese frosting. and, continuing to better her resume for best-friend-of-the-year-award, she requested it be vegan so everyone could eat it (her girlfriend cannot eat dairy too!).

and so, the vegan rainbow cake with vegan cream cheese icing was born! unfortunately, i am unable to post a picture of the finished product because of it’s…questionable content? 😉 i will tell you lots of colored frosting was made and piped (i love piping. it’s basically the most fun thing to do. ever.). happy birthday candace was on the top. with a 21.


how’d it taste? pretty good! the frosting was killer. the cake? it was good, but i think it could of been better. everyone else liked it though.

speaking of cake, remember that italian rum cake i mentioned? well here’s that.




this was apparently very good. i would not know because it was so decidedly un-vegan 😉 it was fun to make, too! everything was made from scratch, including the pastry creams, whipped cream and cake.

before i slip onto the couch to watch my newest documentary (who killed the electric car?), i will share one more thing: i did not work out for three days in a row. yup. three whole days passed without one formal, structured work out. how did i feel? slightly anxious. did i watch what i ate more carefully? kind of. did i try to relaxed and forget my “rules”? yes. i ate french fries thankyouverymuch. AND i ate late. trying not to focus on my body consciousness. revelation: the less i think about it, the happier i am. phfttt. took me long enough, right?

regardless, outside of a little walking and one 20 minute yoga flow (my friend is so ridiculously into yoga so of cooourse we had a little session :)) i did not work out. i will not lie: i felt weird not moving. it was nice, but it’s become such a part of my life it just felt weird not to be active for at least an hour a day. this morning i woke up and did a quick 20 minute yogadownload(.com!) morning flow and then went on a quick 4-mile run, the last mile of which was done by sprinting for 30 seconds, walking for 60 seconds, repeat. it felt good to move and i felt stronger in my sprints. i could hold the intensity for a longer period of time and i felt faster. improvements? i’m thinkin’ so!

have a good one kidlettes. i promise a more focused post tomorrow.

namaste.

zoe.