Category Archives: body talk
well, i am thinking a few things.
i’m thinking spicy veggie nachos should be eaten every day.
i’m feeling more things than i am thinking, though.
i’m feeling accomplished for being binge free for three days in a row and proud for catching myself at the beginning of one this morning.
because, you see my loves, this morning i woke up late. like, 11:00 am late. who am i?
i woke up feeling sad.
i woke up feeling anxious.
i’m feeling guilty for cutting my 90 minute yoga session short. the negative chatter in my mind was too distracting to finish the last forty or so minutes of movement. i caved to the negative.
i’m feeling heartbroken, because i allowed myself yesterday to acknowledge just how heartbroken i really am (about k…)
i’m feeling doubtful, of myself, my purpose.
i’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin.
i want to be this girl again:
this girl is happy. she is balanced. she is in love with life and its endless possibilities. and she’s in love with herself.
she weighs less (truthful things i don’t feel like thinking or feeling about right now).
and, you know, i should be happy. yesterday went pretty well. i climbed my first v3 rated bouldering route. i basically decided the cute boy at the rock wall definitely thinks i’m cute. i’ve been feeding myself well and listening to my body. i’ve been moving in ways i like, not in ways i think i am “supposed” to be moving in. i’m moving through life right now but doing so feeling kind of empty.
earlier i talked to my mom. about everything. she told me something i can’t quiet shake out of my head: “you’re not thinking, you’re feeling.”
she couldn’t be more right.
i am feeling alone. i am feeling “fat”. i am feeling empty. i am feeling unworthy. i am feeling doubt. i am feeling sad. i am feeling so much i am forgetting to think.
about how loved i truly am.
about how much support i have.
about how worthy i am of life, love, happiness, and all the good bits and pieces in between.
i’m feeling so much i am forgetting to focus on what i have as opposed to what i don’t have.
i’m forgetting my body is an amazing thing, not something i should feel so miserable about.
i’m not thinking about all the possibilities life has for me right at this very moment.
i’m just not thinking.
right now, though? well, it’s a wonderful time to start thinking and forget feeling for a moment. the best way to do that? spend a night on the dance floor with your friends and some dubstep. have a safe saint patricks!
what are you feeling instead of thinking?
(my apologies for the profanity if you’re not a fan. i happen to be one, especially when i feel passionately about something. and i ain’t gonna censor me ;))
okay, i hear you: zoe, what are you effing off? let’s back up a few feet and ground ourselves in a less passionate place.
you get the idea: flat stomach, toned arms, sculpted butt and thighs. (and, usually, blonde hair and fair skin, unfortunately)
but let me ask you a question: when was the last time you changed for anyone other than yourself?
because you are you, you are clearly amazing. and wonderful and smart and passionate and so, so beautiful, inside and out. you know all this. i know you know all this. yet, when was the last time you pined to be someone different than your own sassy, badass self? when was the last time you coveted a piece of someone so distinctly not you? when was the last time looked at your reflection, and felt unattractive and unworthy? (i hope it wasn’t recently!)
so this is what i say fuck that to: if we have and value our own individual opinions and perspectives about the world, why are we scrambling to adhere to a standard of beauty none of us really judge others by? tell me, would you ever call your friend “ugly” or “fat” just because he or she doesn’t look like one of the many bodies gracing magazine covers and television screens? of course not! because your ideas of beauty are most likely different than the “collective” ideas.
keeping all this in mind, ask yourself why you judge yourself (if you do) so harshly. if you are not holding anyone you love up to any standards, why are you holding yourself up to those (usually impossibly) standards? are we not supposed to love ourselves like we love our family and friends? why is embracing ourselves completely so difficult?
so i am saying fuck that to perfectionism. i’m saying fucking that to the standard collective ideas of beauty. i’m saying fuck that to compromising your own personal beliefs just to fit a mold we rarely hold others up against. i’m saying fuck that to not owning and believing in your own awesomeness, your own beauty. because trust me, it’s definitely there.
what do i find beautiful? a great sense of humor, a sparkling smile, a kind soul, a vivacious personality, confidence, intelligence, infectious happiness. oh, and, of course, the ability to say fuck that.
recently, i’ve been saying fuck that on a constant basis. i’m no longer trying to be anything but myself, and that includes not trying to force my body to look a certain way. it feels liberating to know, and more importantly to believe, that beauty truly does come in all shapes and sizes and colors.
what do you find beautiful? have you been able to say fuck it recently? tell me about it!
it seems northern california’s sunshine streak has officially ended. it’s raining outside! but it’s all right. i’m spending the majority of it inside at work, with friends nonetheless. i love my co-workers 🙂 before i go, i want to wish you all a spectacular valentine’s day! remember it’s not just about the love from a significant other, but also the love from friends, from family. try and take a second to see just how much you are loved today (because i bet you’re loved so much!). oh, and keep you eye out for something i rarely post about: fashion! i had a fashion related sunday and can’t wait to share!