March 9, 2011 with the current
this post comes in response to a post by one of my favorite bloggers: medicinal marzipan. today mara wrote this beautiful piece on self-love. i am not truly writing in response, but rather i am writing in reflection. here it goes.
one of the biggest and most important aspects of my life is happiness. i strive to achieve happiness through self-love, a topic i feel like i talk about a lot. so far though, the road to self-love has seemed less like a road and more like a round-a-bout. it seems to come in cycles. cycles i’m sure a lot of you can relate to.
my initial first step towards self-love started the moment i got off the plane from south africa almost two years ago. i was nineteen and filled with a new sense of self, of environment, of life. i felt empowered, capable, and, for one of the first times in my life, border-line beautiful (i never fully let myself believe i was beautiful during this time). something inside switched on and my perspective on the world and me in it started to shift. i returned how with a new sense of purpose and immediately surrounded myself with healthier options. i started running. i met new, down-to-earth people. i became vegetarian. i got really involved in the kitchen. i was happy.
then the slightly winding path to self-love took a sharp, crooked left and steered me into a darker direction. i wandered away from self-love and happiness. whatever newly unearthed sense of being still oozing in my chest just withered away. anxiety replaced it. depression. anger. negativity. suddenly, the person i was almost willing to accept turned into the one person i despised. the one person i could not please. the one person i did not want to be.
i took another sharp turn in another crooked direction and wound myself deeper into a hole. running four days a week became seven days a week. with added in late-night secret work outs to combat the secret binge from earlier in the night. the skipping lunch every other day turned into skipping lunch almost every day and sometimes a complete dinner, too. portions shrunk. as did my waist. but so did my happiness.
the comments of “you look great!” morphed into “you look really, really thin, zoe.” i liked the second of the two comments the best. i secretly prized those comments and didn’t believe them at the same time. because me? really, really thin? obviously they did not see the pouch i obsessed over every-single-second-of-the-day. obviously they didn’t see the muffin top, the hips, the thighs, the butt, the every-little-thing. i only just recently realized (seriously) these thin comments were not complimentary but only said out of concern.
an incredibly close friend of mine shared with me a few months ago a thought she had around this time last year, when i was sunk in the middle of my self-induced misery: “i saw you at a party one night and thought you were going to break.”
i didn’t realize how awful i was being to myself. not even when my period disappeared. not even when i cried all the time. not even when my knees hurt constantly and walking became painful. not even when i was tired and sore almost every hour of the day. not when i couldn’t focus on conversations because i couldn’t focus period. not even when i stopped eating nourishing meals. not even when i compared girl after girl after girl to myself. not even when i preferred skipping social events in favor of eating and exercising till i fell asleep.
the wickedly twisted road on which i wandered took a turn for the brighter side over the summer. something in me clicked again and i saw through a new lens. i saw my unhappiness for what it was. and it was ruining my life, my sanity. i found something in myself to start the long climb upward.
i embraced yoga. i reconstructed my vegan diet and actually started eating. i loosened up food “rules” and quit exercising in secret. in fact, i quit the gym altogether. running and i broke up for two long, months. i started conversations with my mom, my friends, a counselor, and the healing process began.
something new turned on here. something i want to call self-love. around the time of my birthday i accepted myself for who i was, inside and out. i was beautiful, one-hundred-percent beautiful, never border-line anything. everything looked and felt brighter. i felt lighter, in mood, body, and spirit. i truly felt like i was almost there, that just a little farther up the road and i’d finally run into self-love. well, that feeling faded the day after i turned 21.
a lot of things started to happen. i gained weight. my body started changing. i based my self-worth on the attention and affection of those around me and ended up losing the one person i based the most of my self-worth on. i felt like i lost control and the happiness around the corner appeared farther and farther away. now, i realize that i am caught in a cycle. and i’m back at square one again. i’m embarrassed, scared, and upset.
i am back to under eating, bingeing, compulsively exercising. i am back to obsessing, fretting, doubting. almost every day i think back to how i felt around the time of my birthday: beautiful, settled, comfortable, happy. every day i want that feeling back.
i know i can’t get it back without self-love. i can’t feel all those things until i accept myself and all the little intricacies that make me up.
mara sums it up spectacularly:
The difference between loving yourself and not loving yourself is not in the things that you do it is in the way that you feel when you are doing them. It means being honest and brave, and not spiraling into a pit of self-hatred when you don’t like what you see or how you feel. It means reassessing, doing what is best, and being very, very sweet to yourself when you are scared. It means proving to your body that you are capable of providing a safe and healthy environment to grow and flourish. It means melting away the shame that you’ve developed over the years about yours size. It means going to bat for yourself, the way you would for someone that you love.
i know i can be honest. and i know i can be brave. i know i can not spiral into a pit of self-hatred when i don’t like what i see or how i feel. the truth is, i just don’t want to let go. loosening my grip feels like losing control yet i know it is the right thing to do. i know in my heart it’s the right thing to do. this cycle is hellish. and it’s taking its toll on me at the moment.
the last time i went to cafe gratitude, i found a pendant at the table i was seated at. a lovely silver leaf with red streaks.
the back held a surprise for me. engraved in the silver are three words: with the current.
how brilliantly accurate. and how wonderfully timed for this message to fall into my lap. i need to stop forcing against the current, as it brings me farther from happiness and creates unnecessary unhappiness and strife in my life.
i need to trust in my self.
i need to trust that the confusion and uncertainty i feel now will eventually bring me peace of mind.
i need to believe i am experiencing what i am experiencing for a reason.
i need to remember that it takes some work to make it work, it takes some good to make it hurt, and it takes some bad for satisfaction.
most of all, i need to start loving myself and just let it be
once i do that, once i flow with the current instead of against it, well…i think self-love will be inevitable. and that path to beauty? it starts now.
here’s to health, happiness, and wholeness. truly.
- 5 comments
- Posted under body talk, food, life, mental health, real talk, staying positive
Permalink #
Ela
said
Thank you for pouring out your heart in such depth and sincerity. I pray that you will come back around to self-love: the self-destructive stuff is such a pernicious habit that it takes some real determination to shake it.
I don’t know if it would be any help to you, but I feel like if I had known the flip side (in terms of health problems) that the years of starvation would harvest, I think I might have worked harder on my healing/self-love sooner and harder. I talk about it on my blog a bit, but I’d be glad to share with you privately if you’d like to discuss more.
Glad you’ve been to Cafe Gratitude–and what a talisman you found there! I used to live in the Bay Area and enjoyed going there very much.
love
Ela
Permalink #
(what runs) Lori
said
Namaste. What a beautiful way to wrap up this post. And such honest, sad, wonderful, thoughtful words I know we can relate to- I CAN relate to.
I love how Mara said:
“It means melting away the shame…”
Such great words but SO much easier said than done. lol I definitely “suffer” from cycles of self-love with self-hate. I wish I could stop them, or even knew how to stop them, or control them.
With all that I have been through I really think that a lot of my ups and downs stem from hormone dips and peaks. (side note: I’m actually trying to note when I’m feeling crappy or moody to see if there is a correlation. Maybe something to try???)
Anyway, love you girl! You finding that leaf at Cafe Grat is definitely a sign. Love those!
Let’s meet at a Cafe Grat soon!!!!
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DD
said
Awe, thanks for your honesty in sharing everything. I think the first step to healing is acknowledging that there is something to healed, and you clearly are very in touch with your feelings. We all go through ups and downs – your feelings are completely normal. Rock on girl.
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Kelsey @ Snacking Squirrel
said
My gosh, this post is so honest and pure, exactly the thing i love being fortunate enough to read and thank you for sharing it!! ❤
the best thing you did for yourself was to allow yourself to balance and adjust your diet/lifestyle in a way that allowed you to embrace a normal life instead of one that made you feel like you were 'doing something wrong' or 'bad'. it was about finding you place in the world and learning how to be confident in that place, wherever it led you… i also loved how ur relationships with friends and family opened up a lot more as well! All of these things were part of the healing and in turn, shaped your sense of self.
and if i were you, i would have no reason not to love me to pieces!! ❤ ❤
xoxo
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Hayley
said
Thanks for sharing this. I really relate to all of it. (Side note: I also am a huge beatles fan and almost got a tattoo on my wrist that said “let it be” a while ago..but then I chickened out. So crazy that you have a similar tattoo!) Anyway, I’m not sure if this is relevant for you, but I find myself being torn between two different parts of myself. One part of me wants so desperately to be happy, healthy, and just not care about what I eat or how much I exercise, just live intuitively and let it be. Then there is the part of me that is terrified, that doesn’t trust myself, that believes that if I love myself and I’m kind to myself then I will let myself go and I’ll be fat (even though I know this is not reality and the more I try to control things with my disordered rules and self loathing, the worse off I am). It’s hard to stop trying to control everything too, because I am such a perfectionist and I am never happy with myself no matter what. I always feel like I’m not enough somehow. Its weird because everyone thinks I’ve recovered from my eating disorder, and I have in the technical sense, but I am still depressed and preoccupied and I still don’t like myself, so where does that leave me?
Anyway, thanks for being so open…it always helps to know that we’re not alone. I really hope you learn to love yourself. I know it’s not an easy road, but you deserve to be happy.