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zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

Monthly Archives: February 2011

but first. remember this?

woke up singing this. TLC was so cool, man.

but anyway…

tomorrow marks the start of march. march. can anyone else quite believe that? march, 2011. already i feel the year quietly slipping passed. sadness. however, i’m happy to close the book on february. it’s been a long month and i’m ready to leave it behind. in march i’m really going to concentrate on a few things. like happiness. and health. and the forthcoming spring. because after spring comes summer (!). and constant sunshine, shorts, tank tops, the beach, late nights, friends, swimming, out side climbing and i-could-go-on-and-on. for now though, i’ll concentrate on the present πŸ˜‰

and the present hasn’t been entirely too interesting. last night i caught the end of the oscars with my friends and a bottle or two of wine. i missed the entire red carpet business so i missed all the glitz and glam. but still…can we talk about how beautiful natalie portman is? for serious. girl crush!

and how cute were these two?

boycrushes. for sure πŸ™‚

and since i have little else to talk to you about on this dreary monday morning (arch nemesis rain expected later this week!), i’ll share some new information with you!

question number three! my thoughts on drugs and alcohol.

confession: i actually posted a long, detailed post about my thoughts and experiences. but the comments i received lead me to delete it. so this time around, i’m not going into detail. sorry, i know i’m all for honesty, but it seems like some people were not so down for the honesty i was offering. so here it goes.

i am not a stranger to drugs and alcohol. i don’t think anyone really truly is. we’re all affected or influenced by drugs in some way, directly or not. i can tell you my experience with drugs and alcohol started in high school. nothing scandalous and nothing on a large scale. i’ve never been one to get carried away. i know my limits and stick with them. the nothing scandalous things i became acquainted with followed me into freshman year of college and sophomore year. and junior and senior. however, sophomore year is when i dabbled a bit more in other areas of the drug world. so yes, i am familiar with some things i know other people look down on, especially in the “healthy living” community.

but honestly? i’m not an idiot. i know my limits and stick with them. i’ve never been one to alter my character just to look cool for another person or group of people. i’ve definitely been around people doing drugs i chose to not try. i’ve definitely turned down a hit, a glass, a pill. and that’s because i know myself. and i know what i am okay with and what i am not okay with. most importantly, i know that it’s okay to say no.

do i regret my experiences? absolutely not. they changed me for the better. my perspective on life took a 180. i see the people, things, and happenings in my life through a completely different lens. i am more patient, understanding, and less angry now. and no, i’m not going into any more detail than that.

so that’s it! i don’t drink very often and when i do, i stick to beer, wine, and tequila. not necessarily all in one night πŸ˜‰ basically it comes down to this: to each his own and as long as your habits are not infringing on my happiness and health, keep on keeping on!

that’s my plan for the day. keep on keeping on, i mean. i feel much better than yesterday. i went on a long, near seven mile run. it was some kind of magic, i’m telling you. i would have kept going but my knees were screaming at me. taking that as a sign to rest today. cause, you know, i actually take those cues from my body into consideration now. regardless, it felt amazing to just go.

i’ve got work at seven so i’ve got all day to do a whole lot of nothing. one thing about being out of school while everyone else is in it? not too many adventure buddies readily available. good thing i’m okay with spending time with only myself πŸ™‚

have a beautiful monday!

what about this up-coming new month are you most excited about? any goals, plans, randomness you want to share? go for it, i want to hear it :)!

namaste

zoe

i’m not crazy.

um. yeah. i know it’s a weird song.

but i’m feeling hella nervous. hella hella hella. okay, well maybe not nervous. but anxious. thought my anxiety levels were under control? me too. until last night.

last night our store had a meeting. so of course i saw k. i, maybe immaturely, did not say a single word to him the entire time. i didn’t even look at him. i figure his actions speak louder than his words. by ignoring me as he has recently, i figure it’s what he wants me to do as well. so i did. and it was not easy. later, while at work (i closed), i texted him to see if he was going to be home when i was off. i was picking something up from his roommate who wasn’t home and i never got a text back. this is when my anxiety started to sink in after an entire day free from it.

i drove to his house after work to talk, to ask him why he felt it necessary to ignore me, especially when we decided to be friends. his car wasn’t there. crazy person that i am, i drove to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment complex…and saw his car parked out front. talk about a punch in the stomach.

just to clarify — i never creep around trying to figure out where people are. but for the sake of my through-the-roof anxiety, i needed some answers. if k was going to ignore me, i knew it was up to me to just figure the whole thing out. it sucked to discover, but i had a sinking feeling it was happening anyway. at least i know now and can waste no more time worrying about the potential of getting back together. it’s not going to happen.

regardless of knowing now, i’m still feeling an incredibly amount of anxiety. for me, anxiety feels terrible. it seems to simmer my stomach bile and make me essentially live in the bathroom. my chest feels ready to explode and the urge to vomit becomes strong and difficult to ignore. recently, i’ve also realized my anxiety makes me cold. i find it really hard to stay warm. example: i’m under four blankets right now and i’m still shivering. all this makes eating difficult to do. everything i manage to put down wants to come right back up. the only way i know how to manage these feelings is to move. and constantly. i ate a smoothie earlier (but couldn’t finish it) and am planning on taking off on a long, long run shortly.

i feel used. and cheated. and really, really hurt. not only did i just lose a boyfriend, but i lost a friend. if they’re back together (which i’m basically sure they are), i know she will not let him hang out with me. i know this because i know her and how much she loathes me. if anything, i learned a very valuable lesson here: always give people time to heal from past relationships before allowing them to jump into new ones. especially with you.

i know deep down in my heart k still cares about me. i know he likes me. i know he has a difficult time being alone. most importantly though, i know i deserve better than this and like me or not, i’m washing my hands of this entirely. these are silly games i stopped playing in high school. last night i kept asking myself “what am i lacking? what am i not enough of for him?” doubt cornered me and threatened to keep me up until sunrise. after a lot of thought and a lot of text messages with my lovely, amazing, supportive friend victoria, it came down to this: nothing. i am not lacking anything. k is immature. and selfish. and i am worth more than immaturity and selfishness. just like you are, too.

to reaffirm these thoughts, i wrote them out, over and over again. sometimes writing things makes them real. i wrote “this is not about me” and “i am worthy of all good things” over and over and over. i covered a page with these words. and hearts.

i know it might look silly, but words are very powerful for me. it’s why i write. they’re a coping mechanism for me.

so do i feel lacking this morning? sort of. i know it’s not true. but i’m still sad. this is going to be difficult to work my way through but i know i have an amazing support system available to me. i’ll get through this. just with a little help from my friends.

how do you remind yourself of you’re worth only all good things, always?

have a wonderful sunday.

namaste

zoe

sometimes, you just need a really good friend to pull you out of your head. and the beatles, of course.

last night i spent a few hours at a friend’s house. we chit chatter over a few beers and he really helped me come to terms with the situation with k. he’s our mutual friend and such a level headed guy. his perspective changed my perspective and eased my anxiety which was starting to burn a hole in my chest. anxiety is an issue i know too much about, as i’m sure you do, too! regardless, i woke up this morning to sunshine and a new, familiar mood. i’m feeling much more settled, much more happy today. it always helps to share with a friend, right? talking about issues seriously always releases my worries.

anyway, i’m incredibly thankful. i sometimes forget about the support system around me. it’s solid and i should never doubt it like i do sometimes. i’m incredibly lucky to have people like my friend — let’s call him j — in my life.

since i’m feeling light hearted i figured i’d jump on the blog wagon and take this little survey! does this remind anyone else of myspace? confession: i was addicted to those surveys. i’m sure chunk palahniuck would have a word or two as to why πŸ˜‰ but whatevs. i’m doing it anyway!

a. age: twenty-one! my golden birthday is this year :)! (twenty-two on the twenty-second!)

b. bed size: hmm…i want to say double? it’s smaller than a queen. but it’s basically a big fluffy cloud of awesome πŸ™‚

c. chore you dislike: making my bed. cleaning the bathroom (i’m a used-to-be germaphobe). putting away laundry. despise!

d. dogs: not my best friend. i’m kind of terrified by them. coming around slowly, though!

e. essential start to your day: with breakfast! always have, always will.

f. favorite color: orange!

g. gold or silver: i much, much prefer silver to gold.

h. height: five foot one and a half inches. yes, the half inch is that important πŸ˜‰

i. instruments you play(ed): flute for a few years. i miss it! i still have it but i don’t really remember how to play or read music like i could. bummer. i used to know how to play the harry potter song. baller!

j. job title: barista? partner?

k. kids: not for a while, hopefully! and maybe not at all.

l. live: northern california, just outside of san francisco πŸ™‚

m. mom’s name: judy

n. nicknames: zo, bozo, zo-zo, z, and at one point in time z-force (don’t ask. it’s soccer related ;))

o. overnight hospital stays: none that i remember! i was a little inky-dink.

p. pet peeves: oh boy. i have way, way too many. um. chewing in my ear, when customers don’t specify what size drink they want (i.e: “can i get a white mocha?”), not using turn signals. really, there’s far too many to name!

q. quote from a movie: uh, on the spot? umm…slappa-the-bass! just watched this recently πŸ™‚

r. righty or lefty: riiiiighty

s. siblings: jesse! it’s his birthday today, actually! my little brother is all grown up and turned 17 on me overnight, i swear!

t. time you wake up: usually right around nine. i’ve been waking up around nine for about a year now, regardless of what time i go to sleep. i’m a big fan because i’m a huge morning person and i love embracing the day!

u. underwear: must be comfortable.

v. vegetables you dont’ like: olives. and endives. and that’s about it!

w. what makes you run late: the fact that i’m a hard core procrastinator! hah.

x. x-rays you’ve had: my back! when i was little (before memory kicked in) i had some spinal infection and, consequently, had to take back x-rays every five years until i was fifteen, which is when we found out my back fused itself and the doctors wouldn’t have to do it for me! and i’ve had my teeth x-rayed at the dentist, and my knees and ankle when i effed them up running and playing soccer. no breaks though! (knock on wood!)

y. yummy food you make: dessert :)!

z. zoo animal favorites: the zoo makes me uncomfortable but i love elaphants and giraffes and zebras!

well, i hope you’re all enlightened and well educated about me now ;)! got any other questions you want to ask me? go for it :)!

i’m finishing up breakfast over here. in bed. what? it’s saturday and i’m feeling lazy ;). after i finish up i’m thinking of taking a walk. it’s sunny outside and lately, i’ve been craving walks like a crazy person! really, i just want to be outside all the time. seriously. it’s bad. but there’s also a climbing competition today at my college and you bet your ass i’m going to be there! so pumped! unfortunately i have work today from 6-12 (yes, 12 as in midnight) so it looks like the sunshine hours are my free hours today. darn πŸ˜‰

what are your plans for saturday! for the weekend?

whatever they are, i hope you have a good one!

namaste

zoe

as promised, this post will include some fashion! let me tell you a little story first.

i grew up with a mom who loves to shop. like, seriously. loves. it. so, i grew up loving it, too. i liked getting new clothes before the new school year and in the months in between. when i reached high school, i started paying for the majority of my new digs. thanks to babysitting, my wallet usually boasted a few bills. luckily, my friends enjoyed shopping as much as i did. going to high school in san francisco didn’t help either. on fridays we got out early, around 1:15, and, usually, my friends and i packed up and scuttled downtown for some shopping. these trips were fun but pretty pointless. my closet was super full. always. and the funniest part? i rarely wore any new pieces i bought for very long! I got tired of them or just never wore them ever. i know, a waste, right?

these shopping habits carried on until my trip to south africa. there i met a group of people who changed my life and my perspective on life immensely. suddenly, i realized i wasn’t really shopping for new clothes, but to fill a materialistic void. i never needed any of these new clothes, they just made me feel better about myself. new things = new zoe. on that trip i decided to stop making mindless purchases and start feeling better about myself without the help of useless things.

now? i rarely shop. if i do, i buy a few things i need, and usually second hand. sometimes though, i do splurge. i’m starting to see that it’s okay to spend a bit of money on pieces that are well made and ethically sound (think patagonia, prana). i try to avoid stores like forever 21 and h+m because i know the ethics behind the clothes aren’t great. it’s hard sometimes, because truthfully? i still love to shop. but i also love saving money and spending it on things i actually need. a lot of clothes i wear are from high school or from my early college years.

all that being said, for christmas my mom, still the die-hard shopper, gifted me a hefty gift certificate to h+m. i’m not going to turn down a gift. so a few weekends ago, i finally put it to use and bought a few cute things.

my style isn’t anything special. i love comfortable clothes and tend to dress very casually. i generally stay away from “flashy” clothing (save for my tie-dye pants!) and love loose sweaters and shirts. part of this, i believe, comes from my comfort level with my body but that’s another story for another day. this is about what i got. take a look!

three sweaters…


confession: i. love. sweaters. like, hardcore. it’s bad. in the warm months i live in cardigans and tanks tops and that’s about the extent of my wardrobe. (and bottoms, of course :)!). i have a great collection of sweaters and jackets and i wear every single one!

i also got three shirts in three different colors…

also purchased in navy blue and salmon pink. i wore the blue one the other day at the party. it’s in the picture below :)!

and i bought this vest…

another confession: i loooove vests. especially loose, knitted vests like this!

also picked up a scarf. yes, i have a scarf addiction.

unpictured: a pair of pants! not reaaaally needed but i did need a new pair of skinny jeans considering my others ones don’t quite fit still…i also wandered into forever 21 and picked up some baller earring and a ring. and that’s it!

if you couldn’t tell, i love plain, simple clothing. i love basic colors and plain prints. if i do pick out something with a print, it generally will be a dress or a sweater with stripes. but i really am a solid color kind of girl! that way i can dress up my outfits with accessories. which i always wear a TON of.

whew. that was a lot of words! and i’ve got a few more before i go! i know, how excited are you ;)?

i feel a bit better today. still fighting the quiet echoing of my negative voice but i’m more together today. it helped that the first thing i did today was work out with jillian! a new work out, too! the other day i bought this at target…

um. quite the work out. i was super sweaty and stoked on the day! one thing i really, really liked was jillian. for once. she seemed really different in this video and ended it by saying something like, i know it’s nice to be cut and have a hot body but this is really about health. when you are healthy in your body, you’ll be healthy in every aspect of your life. instead of solely promoting a hot body like she does throughout the entire shred series, she’s promoting exercising for health. instead of saying things like “think about bathing suit shopping!” during the work out, she said things like, “feel how alive your body is! feel how strong you are!” much better, jillian. i loved this and think it was a great purchase! very motivating and focused on the areas i want to focus on (health, not bathing suit shopping!).

after my work out i threw together breakfast/lunch (it was close to noon at this point. no work today!). and i have to say, it was absolutely delicious. i made ashley’s microwave buckwheat bake. this girl is a genius. it was so decadent and nourishing and healthy to boot!

topped with freshly homemade coconut butter, a square of unsweetened baker’s chocolate, and unsweetened coconut cream! (one T coconut flour, a few splashed of unsweetened almond milk). it’s safe to say i have a new favorite breakfast. can you believe this was my first experience with buckwheat, which i learned is not a grain but a pseudograins like quinoa! so it’s a seed πŸ™‚ and super awesome!

okay, this mouthful is getting too full. have a great thursday! it’s raining here and i’m contemplating what to do with my day. the downer part about being the only one out of school? everyone else is always busy! i’m so bored!

what is your personal style like? funky? girly? tomboy? tell me about it!

namaste

zoe

(oh, by the way, i finished invisible monsters yesterday. you guys, pick up this book! it kicks ass! i read over a hundred pages in one day. seriously flew through it!)

hello loves. hope your mid-week hump day is treating you well. (you know, the fact that we call wednesday hump day is kind of off-putting. not a big fan. just sayin’ ;)).

last night ended on a sour note, i’m afraid. the mood seems to have carried over into this sunny, frigid day. i climbed inside my head last night and just stayed there. once i’m locked in, it’s difficult to break out. it takes a lot of effort. which i am applying as we speak.

the funk came about for a few reasons. i climbed last night. with k and a mutual friend. climbing was a blast — i climbed my first 5.10a at our home gym, a big accomplishment considering our gym rates their routes on some crazy ridiculous level. i’m definitely getting stronger and taking more risks. two nights ago i also went climbing (with k…) and bouldered my first v.2. success! it’s amazing to see how far i’ve progressed in such a short amount of time.

anywho, with all that awesomeness going down it’s surprising a funk happened. but it did. i started to doubt myself. i started to feel “fat” (ugh, that word needs to die) and really, really unworthy. i felt uncomfortable and, unfortunately, disgusting in my own skin last night. part of it had to do with k and part of it had to do with the fact that lately, it’s been really difficult to just feel comfortable at all. i’m not going to lie: i’m trying to lose weight. and i’m trying to do it healthfully. it’s almost ridiculous how well i eat, too. but the scale hasn’t budged and my pants haven’t loosened up. i’m really stuck despite my diet and well-rounded exercise habits (just about every day, though the intensity differs as the activity changes daily. example: yoga and climbing monday, climbing yesterday, long, long walk today and maybe some yoga later.). it’s starting to frustrate me. any tips would be welcome…

but back to last night. i went to bed a little weepy and discouraged. i woke up discouraged and very blah. it’s hard being friends because i miss k, but it’s the right thing to do. especially when i remembered everything that went down. i know this feeling will pass but it has settled over my day. hopefully a few things will clear up the air. because i don’t want to sit in company with this beast for very much longer.

a lunch visit with my mommy might help! i’m excited πŸ™‚

and reading through my newest book that i cannot, for the life of me, put down. anyone else read it?

chuck palahniuk is such an engaging writer. i just finished lullaby right before invisible monsters. i seriously fly through his stuff (and i’m a slow reader) and have issues putting it down when i need to (say like…when i need to sleep. or clock back in from my lunch at work). i forgot how much i love reading! it’s so nice to be able to pick up whatever i want to read now instead of reading assigned things.

and, if the stars are aligned, i’ll hopefully make it to a club tonight with a friend and her boyfriend for dancing! little known fact: i love to dance. lovelovelove. i’m basically always moving to some beat in my head. i dance in public all the time. sorry if i’ve offended your eyes. i never said i was good at it πŸ™‚ but i’ve been wanting to go dancing for daaays so i’m just banking on my energy levels not being low (i’ve been up since three. after sleeping for oh, four hours? i opened…). fingers crossed!

i’ve got more interesting things to write about, i promise. this is getting long and i don’t want to bore you all to death any more. things to look forward to (maybe? hopefully?): a fashion post (PROMISE!), a book review (kara, this is for you! it’s been a long time coming and i JUST got the book back!), and a challenge! keep your eyes peeled. until then, enjoy your hump day πŸ˜‰

how do you cope with rotten moods and hard-to-shake mindsets?

update: i just finished an hour and fifteen minute vinyasa flow that completely restored me. i feel calm, steady, and refreshed. yoga is such a soul soother. savasana felt so nourishing and rewarding. yoga is such a present to the mind, body, and spirit!

namaste

zoe

might be my newest obsession. it’s getting bad. but oh-so-good.

but glee is more than just a show.

glee is taking the plunge and buying the most comfortable things my feet have ever slipped into.

glee is climbing. and seeing these sites (this is from a few weeks back)

glee is baking a cake for people you love (k’s cake…) a triple layer chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting and a chocolate peanut butter glaze a la smitten kitchen. (no, it’s not vegan. i was told it tasted like “a reeses cup!”


glee is going out with friends on saturday night. and drinking a beer.


yes. i am that short.

and glee…well, glee is feeling more comfortable in your skin each and every day. it’s a process, but i’m getting there. and i couldn’t be happier.

hope you all had a wonderful weekend. i’m going to cap off this sunday with some more glee. are you surprised :)?

what brings you glee?

namaste

zoe

a lot. like, a lot a lot. it hailed for three straight minutes the other day. it looked like snow blanketed the ground. kind of bananas, considering i do like in northern california and usually hail lasts for thirty seconds, tops.

anyway, the weather is not the point, really. more news regarding life and k is the point, really. on wednesday night i ended it with k, officially. nothing felt like it did before i found out all i found out. i didn’t feel as happy, or excited as i did before. i felt like we were forcing it. and you know what? he agreed. he and i both think he needs time to figure himself out and what he actually wants. it makes sense and i understand. i’m just sorry this happened at all. there was no need to rush into anything but we allowed our emotions to get the best of us. lesson learned, right?

we decided to be friends for the moment, because neither of us wants the other out of each others lives (…there’s something grammatically wrong in that sentence, but this english major is just too tired to figure it out). how do i feel? sad. but i know this is the right thing to do. i’ve had a little voice in the back of my mind telling me so for a little over a week now, ever since i found out all i found out. and you know what? i spent last night and part of this morning at work in complete misery but then i found some deep buried strength and clung to it. after work i went on a run, did some yoga, and spent the afternoon with a friend of mine. instead of wallowing, i’m choosing to focus on the good in my life, because the universe knows i need it now.

i’m really okay with being friends. who knows, we might end up back together in the long run. but i’m not going to focus on that, because the future is something i cannot predict. i’m focusing on right now. and right now, we’re friends. and there’s a million other guys out there who can better appreciate the person i am and actually commit themselves to something special. so. friends it is.

so it’s raining. and i’m trying not to be grey. watching the entire first season of glee is helping, that’s for sure. (oh yeah, i’m addicted. i don’t know how i resisted this for so long).

hope you’re having a lovely friday night and enjoy your weekend! i promise fashion things soon. whatchu think?

what do you do to keep yourself happy?

personally, i play good music, surround myself with good people, concentrate on eating well, and, of course, do ridiculous amounts of yoga and regular exercise :)!

namaste

zoe