January 13, 2011 despite the rain
today, when i woke up, i felt this ridiculously strong need to be outside. i was all laced up and ready to embark on a lovely walk/run but then opened the door only to greet my arch nemisis: RAIN. well, guess who didn’t let the dreaded rain stop her? me 🙂
i threw out an extra layer (aka my rain coat!) and started my walk! i know one thing about myself: i hate rain. but not today! i actually smiled just about the entire time. i loved the feeling of cold air in my lungs. plus since it was raining no one else was out. there were very few cars on the road and everything was so pretty and still and quiet. seeing the positive in the grey today set the tone for my day.
after my walk (which ended with a one minute sprint because i forgot it was street cleaning and a 45 dollar ticket didn’t sound too appealing) i did a 30 minute flow with chaz, one of my most favorite online yoga teachers (yogamazing podcast! seriously, check them out!) then i showered up and headed off to work for five hours.
the exciting part? dinner, of course! i had one thing in mind: gena’s polenta stacks! i love polenta. it’s delicious. my dad makes it from time to time and it reminds me of my childhood. however, my dad also makes it with cream and cheese, two things i don’t eat. gena’s version turned out delicious and brought me back. ah, childhood nostalgia. talk about comfort food. i changed it up a little bit because i didn’t have yams on hand so i skipped that part (next time, definitely adding yams!) and instead of roasted red peppers i added raw red peppers to the beans because, again, that’s all i had on hand. but check it out…looks tasty, no?
(in the background is the rest of the sauteed greens!)
dessert was a melted square of unsweetened baker’s chocolate. i add a bit of agave (maybe about a half a teaspoon). it’s so delicious! i love the richness of it. honestly, life without sugar so far has been relatively easy. except for this little temptation…
i made these for a friend and co-worker who switched shifts with me when she really did not want to (i don’t blame her — i switched her an open (4:30 AM) for a close!) and this is how i thank people!
what you need
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup + 1/4 cup peanut flour (trader joes!)
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t baking powder
1 cup sugar (i used vegan cane sugar. it’s all i have on hand right now!)
1 egg (sub a flax or chia egg to make vegan!)
1/2 cup butter (i used earth balance! one stick :))
1/2 cup smooth peanut butter
what you need to do
1. preheat oven to 375
2. combine all dry ingredients except sugar
3. combine all wet ingredients
4. add dry to wet
5. grease a baking sheet or just lay down foil
6. roll dough into little balls and create hatch marks with a fork. so you’ll be pressing the ball flat!
7. bake for 12-15 minutes
8. remove from oven and immediately place hershey’s kiss in the middle
9. allow to cool on a wire rack
i was told these were really delicious!
i’ve also realized i’ve forgot to mention i’ve been on a bit of a mini-detox. i’ve removed sugar, wheat, dairy, (most) soy, and salt from my life for a second. i’ve also started taking probiotics and a vitamin D(3) supplement. here’s my spread of detox and health related items:
i’m hoping the probiotics will help with my digestion (so far, so good!) and i’m hoping the digestive enzymes will help with my bloating as well as just aid in digestion! the detox tea is pretty tasty, too!
i know i can be positive if i try. it also helps to just simply talk. i’ve learned that, for me, it works best to share with someone close the issues i am working through. i cannot do this alone (personally, i don’t think anyone can go through any struggle alone. the emotional weight of emotional situations is so heavy). tonight i spent a good twenty minutes talking to candace about the things swirling through my head. i cried a lot but it felt good to get things off my chest. i journal but journaling only goes so far. the pages never talk back, after all. sometime sharing is the best thing a person can do to inch closer to feeling whole again.
i’m not giving up on myself. yes, i am uncomfortable and yes, i am fighting the own voice in my head, but i refuse to listen to it. truth: i am five pounds away from where i started my weight loss journey. another truth: i don’t look like i did when i started this journey. the final, and most important truth: i know whatever weight i am at will not affect my happiness. maybe it will temporarily but these issues are emotional, not physical. i was miserable at 115 and i am miserable now. in order to be truly happy, i need to heal on the inside. only then will my outsides be able to fully shine.
baby steps every day.
well it’s about that time to start winding down my night. it’s almost friday and i happen to have saturday AND sunday off this weekend. one more almost five hour shift and i’m free. oh, and k comes home tomorrow after a week long absence! he’s been rock climbing down in southern california at joshua tree (am i jealous? why yes, yes i am.) and has done so sans celluar phone. so we’ve had no contact. it’s healthy, i know, but i miss the damn boy!
here’s to a happy, healthy tomorrow.