January 11, 2011 can someone tell me why…
…it’s so hard to stay positive?
today was not filled with sunshine and rainbows. instead, it matched the color of the murky sky obscuring the sun i miss so desperately. the negative voice in my head today told me i wasn’t worth it.
and no, i had no desire to feel this way today.
i know positivity is a choice. we possess the power to squash negativity and choose to be and feel positive but i am finding it ridiculously hard to stay committed to making that decisiom. in fact, i’m finding it hard to even find the ability to do so. no matter what i seem to do, i cannot make myself feel positive, happy, and brimming with life.
today was my day off. reason enough already for it to be a good day, right? i even got my hair cut and colored today. but the funk still persisted. so i took myself out to lunch to cafe gratitude for a little soul soothing. the yummy macrobiotic bowl and slice of i am devoted coconut cream pie did nothing to alleviate me from my own self-induced misery.
and i know where all this emotion and negativity is coming from. it’s all stemming from feeling insecure in my person and appearance right now. i feel it controlling my days. i hate getting dressed in the morning. i am staying home instead of seeing friends because i am embarrassed of how i look. i am wearing baggy clothes to hid my self from view. it’s sad and pathetic, and it’s true.
though, i can say there is one positive aspect i have noticed here: i am not taking it out on myself physically. i am not bingeing. i am not compulsively exercising. i am not restricting. i am treating myself well by eating enough and eating well. i am moving when i want to and how i want to.
and despite this awful mood i found it in me to treat myself to a wholesome dinner.
a little of this…
(massaged spinach salad with chopped yellow bell peppers, chopped zuchinni, and a homemade dressing [2 t sesame oil, 1.5 t maple syrup, 1.5 t mellow white miso, juice from half a lemon, a sprinkle of red chili flakes, and a splash of water] topped with sesame seeds)
dessert was three dates and a melter square of 100% unsweetened Baker’s chocolate. (i really enjoy the taste of 100% dark chocolate. it’s so rich and that’s the taste i really love, not necessarily the sugar.)
today is ending on a decent note. i am feeling a bit better after an afternoon of movie watching with candace and now a game of LIFE (remember that one?) with candace and another friends.
additionally i just read such an inspiring and raw post by one of my most favorite food bloggers, ricki of diet, dessert, and dogs. it’s in regards to ricki’s diet and lifestyle but also in regards to bingeing, something we apparently have in common. it’s beautiful and honest and really put things into perspective for me. i really recommend reading though it. it’s worth the length, especially if you’re struggling with bingeing.
anyway, i’m being called to get my ass to the game board. hope you have a wonderful tuesday evening.
here’s to a better tomorrow.
how do you stay positive during negative times?