December 29, 2010 in love and acceptance
yesterday was rough.
although i am better able to regulate my moods around the time of my period, i still experience one to three days of intense emotional discomfort and insecurity. in order to grow and learn i think it’s really important to fully acknowledge and experience all of our emotions — good and bad. and yesterday was just about all bad.
you see, on monday night i kind of lost it. insecurity and my negative voice wholly took over and a binge took place (though i am happy to report this is the first in a long, long time. which means i’ve been really balances emotionally lately!). i was feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin and took it out on myself. i went to bed uncomfortable, unhappy, and disappointed. sometimes these things happen and i try not to be so hard on myself but i just felt like i let my body down. it’s not fair to treat myself so poorly.
i woke up yesterday in the same miserable spirits i went to sleep with. i spent seven hours at work wallowing, fighting that voice in my mind. sometimes this insecurity drives me insane. it can ruin anything and everything if i allow it to. and yesterday i just about let it do that.
i worked from 7:30 am to 3 and was so effing relieved to be off of work. i thought about my options. yoga sounded nice. deep breathing sounded soothing. instead i called up k and met him in san francisco at planet granite for an epic (seriously) two and a half hour climbing session. however i got lost on the way and i freak out when i’m lost. i freaked out at k, too. and then felt like the biggest bitch in the world. i apologized profusely for allowing my insecurity to project on him. nothing was his fault — i just let my emotions come out negatively.
a usual he calmed me down and we ended up bouldering and top roping in complete peace. and i most definitely conquered new territory. it’s really funny too because it’s been about three weeks since i last climbed (sigh) but i felt strong and capable the entire time. i wasn’t even too burned out at the end! i love, love, love climbing.
we ate at sol food (puerto rican food in my home town!) on the way back to school. was it late? yes. did i cringe a little for breaking a food “rule”? a little. but did i dwell on it in the end? nope 🙂
the night ended with some yoga and i got a fully, lovely eight hours of sleep. i am feeling so much better today. i just completed a fantastic hour and a half of yoga. first up was a session with chaz and then the newest free video of the week over at yoga today. loved, loved, loved it. all hip opening. i feel incredibly opened and settled. and much, much stronger in my person.
my favorite part of today? adi (the yoga today instructor) stressing this: every feeling is impermanant. how true and how fitting! though i felt awful yesterday and the day before, these feelings of insecurity didn’t last. i need to remember that in times of doubt.
additionally, one of my most favorite bloggers, lori, of what runs lori, wrote a beautiful and timely post today. she posted these “morning power questions”, questions meant to deepen your sense of gratitude and self-love. sounds right up my alley, right?! so, i’m going to answer them. i invite you to do the same!
The Morning Power Questions
(a la lori!)
1. What am I or what could I be most happy about in my life
What about that makes me happy? How does that make me feel?
i am strong. i am healthy. it makes me happy that i have the strength to lift myself into headstand and that my body helped me climb 60+ feet yesterday without falling on a route i never expected to complete. i feel grateful for this feeling of strength.
2. What am I or what could I be most excited about in my life now?
What about that makes me excited? How does that make me feel?
i am most excited for tomorrow’s road trip down to san diego (!!). i am going down for new years to spend time with candace (who is with her girlfriend, kat, who lives in sd) and our friends. i am so excited for the drive down, which i may be making alone. but solo drives are what i live for, especially when good music is involved. lots of time to think.
3. What am I or what could I be most proud about in my life now?
What about that makes me feel proud? How does that make me feel?
i am proud of myself for having the patience and willingness and openness to heal myself. i am happy to be working hard at simply being happy and accepting and seeing the abundance in my life. a year ago i do not think i would be able to have done this.
4. What am I or what could I be most grateful for in my life now?
What about that makes me feel grateful? How does that make me feel?
i am grateful for my family, for k, for candace and all my friends in san diego. i am grateful for their calming presence and their unwavering positivity that inspires me to only seek the same.
5. What am I or what could I be enjoying most in my life now?
What about that do I enjoy? How does that make me feel?
i could be enjoying the sunshine outside. i enjoy the warmth it brings and the brightness, especially after the absolutely ridiculous amount of rain from yesterday. it makes me feel hopeful.
6. What am I or what could I be committed to in my life now?
What about that makes me committed? How does that make me feel?
i am committed to change and accepting change. it makes me feel strong and powerless at the same time. i am committed to softening and it makes me feel content.
7. Who do I love? Who loves me?
What about that makes me loving? How does that make me feel?
i love my family. i love my friends, especially candace. it makes me feel giving and appreciated and compassionate. when i focus on love, all i want to give is love.
8. What questions can I ask that will add value to the lives of people I interact with?
What about that adds value to me? How does that make me feel?
i can ask how someone is doing, especially those who are serving me (like at a restaurant). i know these simple questions make me feel good at work so i like to think these simple, friendly questions help brighten other people’s days as well. it makes me feel happy and whole as well as giving and compassionate. i like to interact with others in positive, uplifting ways.
what would your answers be to these questions? have you even taken the time to sit down and contemplate the abundance in your life? where is your life over-flowing? in what areas is it lacking?
have a wonderful wednesday. i work at six but i think a yummy lunch and a trip to whole foods is in the near future.
beatles song of the day: all you need is love (the magical mystery tour)
why? because it’s pretty true, really. if you have love, you’re suddenly rich in all areas of life.