December 27, 2010 just something i noticed
so i just spent a good forty minutes flipping through some of my favorite blogs. and i kind of noticed an odd response to the blogs more focused on diet and exercise and healthy living. i noticed an uncomfortable and negative competitive mood settled in my chest. i’m afraid i allow the content of blogs to spark up some unhealthy aspects of my person. meaning, really, i just start focusing on comparisons.
in all these holiday recap posts i am seeing people’s christmas dinner meals and mentally compare it to my own. i cringe when i see the amount of food in comparison to mine. i think, “god, she only ate that much? that much?” then guilt and shame appear in equal amounts and i feel inadequate, like i lost some game i didn’t realize i was playing.
i see some of my favorite bloggers writing about ways to stay motivated for work outs during the winter or what foods they’re eating now to counteract all the rich foods of the holiday season. these are all wonderful things but the controlling person in me wakes up when i read these posts. i suddenly feel badly for eating an extra treat and not exercising because the “holidays are over” and getting “back on track” needs to happen instead. i start saying, “okay, stop enjoying now.” i’m so tired of fighting against food and my negative self. i just want to enjoy with a conscience free of any fucking guilt. i want to restore my relationship with food, my mind, and my body.
and, if i am being one hundred percent honest with myself, i’m not sure reading these blogs is incredibly beneficial to my health and well-being right now.
i need to feel strong in all parts of myself. i know who i am and i know who i can be without this negative cloud always threatening to obscure my horizon. because there have been stretches of time when i am this person. this awful voice and this awful never ending cycle with guilt and shame and this need for control is holding me back from being completely happy.
and, if i am being honest with myself, i can say that i am a competitive and comparative person. and i can say that i know reading these blogs heighted these aspects of myself and brought me into unhealthy habits. and no, it’s not anyone’s fault but my own. because that’s how i allow myself to interpret these blogs and that’s how i choose to read them. negatively.
i think i’ve come leaps and bounds this past year. the journey of these 365 days has allowed me to grow and change and settle in so many different ways . i’ve healed so many parts of myself but i think there are parts that need so much more healing. a lot of these blogs stimulate and aggravate the parts of me i am trying to mend. i’m just letting my reaction to these blogs continue to nurture my negative person.
so i think i need to take a bit of a break for a while.
i think i need to do a little more growing before i can read some of these healthy living blogs. because their healthy intentions are only spurring in me unhealthy behaviors and emotions. i’m really working on just being. i am. and i feel like i am so, so, so close. i just need to get my priorities a little bit more straight, ya dig?
i’ll still post from time to time but i don’t think it will be much about exercise. maybe more about food. lots of food. and maybe more about yoga. and maybe more about the beatles because i’m pretty sure these things are what i always intended this thing to be about. so i think, i guess, expect some changes with the new year. because i’m going to be making some in my look nook of the california coast.
and, on that note, i’m going to go breathe it out on my mat. (did i mention k got me the most LEGIT yoga mat for christmas? he’s a keeper 😉 (and i’m the biggest dork you’ve ever met. i know.)). i might take a little walk to the bank because it’s sunny today and it hasn’t been in a while. and i’m pretty sure i might treck on down to cafe gratitude later because it’s my soul food. and my soul needs some good food. mmmm.
i hope you have a spectacular monday.
beatles song of the day: here comes the sun (abbey road)
why? because i’m super cheesy. and because the sun just came out after a lot of rain and it’s beautiful outside ❤
(p.s: and for the creepiest thing of the day: my horoscope. verbatim:
A desire for approval today could cause you to base your decisions on how they will affect people’s opinions about you. Building up a stronger belief in yourself might help you make decisions because they are the right choices for you rather than because they will impress others or be in agreement with their way of thinking. You might want to take time today to affirm your self-worth and focus on your strengths today. The better you feel about yourself, the less you will worry about what others think. You can then make the decisions that are best for you.
Having a strong belief in ourselves gives us the confidence to not let the opinions of others sway us when we make decisions. While it is natural to want to have others affirm or agree with our choices, basing our choices on other people’s reactions is not always the wisest approach to take. If we can practice being self-referential, we will develop a stronger sense of self. We begin to trust our instincts more and make decisions based on what works best for us instead of on what others may think. The approval we receive from others regarding our choices becomes a nice acknowledgement of what we already know to be true. Believe in yourself and your ability to do what is right for you, and you can trust that you are making the right choices regardless of what anyone else says to you today.