December 17, 2010 unsettled
sometimes, i wish i cared less about food.
sometimes, i wish it wasn’t what i day dream about. i wish it didn’t matter to me. i wish grocery stores and farmers markets and restaurants didn’t excite me like they do. i wish it wasn’t my passion, my obsession, my best and simultaneously my worst friend.
i hate food almost as much as i love it.
awful thoughts have been circulating through my mind recently. i’ve spent days attempting to put together a post to articulate what i am currently struggling with. the negative voice in my mind still has a voice, and that upsets me. particularly because its strength is only growing.
after meals i find myself calculating. adding up rough estimates of calories. what, in total, i consumed for the day. how i need to move to get all the food off of me. the other day, in the tail-end of a teary breakdown, candace reassured me “everyone has things they feel the need to control.” to which i responded: “yeah, i just wish mine happened to be more proactive for my life.”
i am feeling the need to control intensely. i am not happy with the bit of winter weight settling on my frame. (i know. vain and superficial. i’m trying here, guys.) i know it is normal and i know it should not bother me, but it does. and i am not happy.
and i am not happy about my relaxed attitude towards sweets. i’ve been consuming too much sugar (in the form of dark chocolate, carob chips, frozen yogurt, soy drinks from work) and it’s showing up on my face, in my mood. i forget just how sensitive i am to it. i’ve been breaking out more than i have in months and i feel puffy and not too great. i have no problem with eating sweet foods (hello cafe gratitude! and hello home-made, sugar free, raw carrot cake sitting in my fridge!) but i do have a problem with sugar, specifically white sugar.
it’s also a mental problem. i recognize that. if i tell myself i cannot have something, i overeat it when i do. it’s not a good habit or a good mind set. i know i am perpetuating the disconnect between my mind and body.
my mom and i shared a wonderfully honest and raw discussion the other day. i am so happy to have someone in my family to talk to about my struggles now. and my mom understands better than most because she experienced the same issues when she was my age (though to a lesser degree. and, i would argue, still does to an extent today.). anyway, we agreed it would be best for me to keep seeing a counselor. unfortunately i cannot see the woman i was seeing at school because with graduation comes the loss of using on-campus resources.
so yes, i am feeling unsettled in these winter months. i am attempting to settle myself once more. to do so i need to listen to my body. sometimes i eat foods i do not necessarily want (like sugar) just because it’s there. but lately, all my cravings have been for fresh and raw foods. i need to start honoring my body’s cravings. i also need to start honoring it through exercise. i’ve allowed winter to make me a bit lazy, i’m afraid. i miss my mat! and my running shoes. and rocks.
so today i am going on a trail run/tree climbing adventure with k. we ran across the golden gate bridge the other day (super fogless on an otherwise incredibly foggy, grey day!) and it was so much fun! it’s really fun having a running partner. and one who likes to climb trees! i’m trying to make my movements fun and interesting, if you couldn’t tell.
anyway, thanks for listening, loves. i’m trying over here, i really, truly am. some days are just harder than others, you know? have a good friday.