December 4, 2010 nothing but grey skies
winter brings with it more than seasonal change. after talking to several friends and reading several different blog posts on the subject, winter truly proves to be a trying time for the majority of human beings. i am not sure about you, but during the winter months lethargy becomes my best friend. something about the grey skies kills my motivation and squashes my positivity. work outs seem less appealing and heavy, rich foods appear to be all my body craves. winter feels like the season in which we all turn inward. cuddling up under covers and filling ourselves with warm, nourishing, heavy foods are all part of this seasonal . well, at least for me.
i am in a funk today. and i am in one for a few separate reasons. one regards school, which ends next week. yes, in one week i will graduate from college. the excitement i expected comes in short bursts. instead i find myself anxious and unsettled. why? well, i just realized i kind of regret my major. a few weeks ago a teacher of mine asked what we as english students were reading in class. no one, save for one boy, offered an answer. i realized how little literary books (outside of shakespeare) i read during the last 3.5 years. suddenly i find myself feeling as if i wasted my education. i find myself wishing i stuck it out in liberal studies, the major i enrolled in freshman year. i find myself feeling less intellectually stimulated than when i started college. isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? i feel like i just wasted my time, money, and energy on a major i lost touch with a long time ago.
in addition i fear i might not pass a class of mine. to be perfectly honest you guys, i kind of shut down this semester. my motivation to do well in school dwindled down to near non-existence. during counseling i realized just how rigid i am. though i believe grades do not reflect a person’s intelligence, i always strove for ‘A’s’ and felt uncomfortable when i did not get them. so i relaxed some this semester. okay, so i relaxed a lot this semester. and now it is coming back to bite me in the ass. i have a massive research paper due on wednesday and, as embarrassed as i am to admit this, i did not read a single thing for that class this semester. i have never, ever, ever done this in my life. now i understand why! i am scrambling to pull something together and have injected unnecessary stress into my life.
on top of all this, this afternoon i had a mini-break down. lately my weight and food habits have weighed heavily on me. i have spent a lot of time in reflection. in practicing following a less rigid existence, i have allowed myself to eat foods i “banned” long ago. frozen yogurt? all right. gummy candies? yes please. soy hot chocolates from work? bring it.
the other day i weighed myself. just out of curiosity. what a dumb decision is all i have to say. a number is a number and nothing more. all my clothes still fit. and, to be perfectly honest, i don’t feel unhealthy. in fact, i feel incredibly healthy and strong. probably for the first time in months. the freak out i expected never really came. but the number on the scale scared the shit out of me. i felt down for a few hours then managed to climb out of the impending darkness. however, one thought is sticking with me: i am so uncomfortable with how comfortable i feel. i feel healthy, i look healthy, yet i cannot stand the weight i am at and cannot stand how relaxed i’ve become.
and i know why: i am terrified of becoming again the person i was freshman year of college. during my first year away from home i gained a good 10-15 pounds, due mainly to poor eating, late night eating, and emotional eating. i left that year miserable, in body and mind. so i lost weight. and more weight. and then more until it reached an unhealthy point. but during that time, i damaged my mind body connection. i transformed into a controlling, self-punishing person. and now that i am relaxing my control (by slowly introducing the foods my body craves back into my diet), i am having a really hard time coping.
i know i eat healthfully. i know i do not eat the way i did freshman year. i know i will not turn into the unhealthy person i used to be because health is so important to me now. but i am emotionally stressed from thinking about health all the time. i want to give up control but at the same time, i am so frightened of what will happen if i do.
candace said something really thought-provoking earlier. she told me this: “zoe, everyone has something they feel the need to control in their lives.” i know. i just wish mine happened to be something proactive.
i am sorry to be so mopey and pensive again over here. but you know me…honesty always. truthfully part of me knows this is due in part to my period which is around the corner. so i know these feelings will eventually pass. i just wish i had some sunshine to help the process along.
how do you react to the winter? anyone else experience the winter blues?
well, i just finished a wonderful yoga flow in an attempt to regain my center. i feel a bit better, though not as great as i wished to feel. i’m heading out to dinner with my family and some family friends later. hopefully i can rediscover my happiness amidst family. we’ll see! imma try!