November 14, 2010 uh, thanks?
it’s been a morning. and a night. and i need to blog it out.
last night my job had its annual holiday meeting. basically me and my co-workers got together to discuss our holiday season (holiday coffee and holidays drinks and holiday hours). it was actually ridiculously fun. i am so blessed to work at a store where everyone gets along so well. we’re all friends so, naturally, we all went out following the meeting. we went bowling. but not just bowling bowling — we went drunk bowling. and then we went to the bars (my first bar outing!).
you guys i felt so normal last night. so, so completely normal. and so, so completely happy. i drank four beers. in big glasses. and thought nothing of it. not once did i think about the calories consumed and how empty they were. i didn’t calculate the number of miles i would need to run to burn it all off. i just let myself be. and by letting myself be, i was simply blissful. i like simple. a lot.
here is where the good vibes get a bit muddled.
remember a few weeks back when a boy debacle was mentioned? well, allow me to catch you up. (i am going to use the first letters of their names just to make this easier to follow. how gossip girl of me.) so, three boys are involved in this ridiculous drama of the human heart. j, k, and l, all of whom i work with. (pphhftt, the letters of the alphabet.) k is the boy my little heart has been set on for a long, long time. l was the boy i met at work. j is the boy who fell head over heels for me. now, this is what has happened in the months since i last mentioned these boys: still trying not to be smitten with k. l is dating another co-worker which rocks because i realized we’re better as friends. j…well, j will have his own paragraph. hold on.
(overly dramatic) k storyyy
k and his girlfriend broke up a few months back but still talk. i know, why bother with someone who is still tangled up in a failed relationship? guys i’m only human. i’m trying, but i am failing. i really like this kid. we connect on a ridiculous level. we’re pretty awesome friends. it’s evident we like each other but…i can’t have him. obviously. i don’t want to mix myself up in the back and forth of him and his ex. oh, did i mention candace works with his ex? and his ex has a lot (a LOT) of resentment against me currently? and hasn’t liked me since we first met over a year ago (when they were still dating?)? so i guess we’re basically hanging out to stroke each other’s egos. i feel ridiculous. especially because last night we basically never left each other’s sides.
add this to j’s situation.
j was the boy who took me out on a date i didn’t know was a date a few months back. today he came over, gave me a letter, and tried to kiss me. to which i responded immediately by saying “no! no, no! no!” and removing his hands from my face and taking a few large steps back.
i feel like i am in the wrong here. i feel like a bad person. i feel like i led him along some because i know i am a flirtatious person. it’s just my nature. but after this i think i need to work on honing it in a bit…
honestly, it threw me off all day. all day. my appetite vanished until just about a two hours ago. it made me kind of crawl out of my skin. the letter combined with the kiss attempt and the way he approached me this morning just made me feel so uncomfortable. and it really, really doesn’t help that i work with him tomorrow first thing in the morning. i called him already to see if we could set the record straight but…no answer.
fingers crossed he calls back at some point tonight… we just talked. i told him i was flattered but kind of taken aback. he apologized, i reminded him he was human and makes mistakes. basically it’s all good, at least in my perspective.
by the way: his explanation? he saw k and i “getting tight” and just wanted to see if there was any chance at all. i expressed to him i understood what he intended to communicate, but did so in an inappropriate way. i told him to just simply tell me next time, that i liked simple, straight-forward communication, not theatrics. he also reassured me i did not lead him on and that he thought i wasn’t into him. whew. but still…
on a brighter note i ate sushi for dinner tonight. it was delicious. and exactly what i was craving. it really took a second for me to put the first piece in my mouth. once i did though it was all good things. i am happy with these little steps i am taking.
and i am happy for the new week. because, even though i had a wonderful, spectacular weekend (cafe gratitude trip, sunshine every day, 81 degree weather) it ended on a kind of abrupt and unsettling note. time for a new week, a new attitude, and a new set of opportunities.
i just finished a lovely challenging hour and fifteen minute flow that helped ease some of the anxiety and stress from my system. i feel more balanced and hope it will help me sleep. because although i am not dwelling on the issue, i just feel like it will be a bit awkward initially tomorrow morning at work. meh. regardless, i really got to get going. i’ve got some last minute poetry to write.
sleep well, loves. (and thanks for reading these ridiculous ramblings. it just kind of brought me down a bit today. i promise some recipes to come!)