November 8, 2010 winter blues
anyone else feel like their mood just drops once autumn shoves summer to the side and the sky finds itself overtaken with grey? i miss the sun. my body misses the sun. yesterday i spent the morning sipping tea and pretending the steady splash of rain outside my window was not real. on days like those it becomes all too easy for me to slip into a negative attitude and remain in my pajamas all day, completely motivation-less.
today i am trying to fight the funk. we’re currently wrestling. and i feel silly for saying so. yes, the good times come with the bad times, i know. but my “bad times” are all self-made bad times. you know the times — the ones where you crawl deep inside your head and lock everyone else out? the times you just want to lay on the floor and sigh all day? i am feeling it this week, folks. at least it’s sunny today.
and, like i said, i feel silly. i feel so childish and so wasteful. instead of embracing and enjoying the day and all its opportunities and all its potential, i choose to sink into self-consciousness. i allow my anxiety to creep up on me. you see, i’ve gained some weight. something incredibly asinine like 2 pounds. perhaps the saddest and most hilarious part? i am afraid to admit this to you guys. right now i am feeling uncomfortable in my skin. (and bloated. whoa.) from this uncomfortable feeling comes self-created judgement. i feel as if i am being judged because i am feeling insecure. admitting to you my weight issues of the moment leaves me with images of readers satisfied i effed up. and i’m just being honest here. that’s truly what is running through my mind despite knowing no one is actually doing that. talk about an insecure moment. i am dealing better with my anxiety. it does not completely ruin my days like it used to. but still.
this insecurity drives me to eat and eat mindlessly. it’s a comfort and right now i am feeling so uncomfortable and out of control (due to my diet changes. lots of reflection time has been spent on this so far). i have found that whenever i am sad or bored, i wander into a grocery store. there’s a connection, yes?
and while i am creating this misery, real tragedies are occurring. a friend’s dad just died. i saw a dead dog on the side of the road yesterday. candace’s aunt’s best friend just passed away as well. and here i am, complaining about the extra bloat i am carrying around. i feel selfish and unappreciative. so i’m going to acknowledge some things i am grateful for today:
1) the sunshine. thank you, thank you universe for giving me a day free of rain and a beautiful clear view of sonoma mountain. (it’s absolutely gorgeous today. you can see the mountains behind the mountains)
2) my legs. they just carried me on a massive head-clearing walk. and a calming hour of yoga beforehand.
3) my family. because i got to see them yesterday and some people don’t get to see their families ever.
4) my home. because it’s getting colder and at least i have a bed and a roof over my head.
5) candace. she’s amazing and giving me a good chunk of her time when i need someone to talk to.
6) for just simply being alive.
i’m trying, guys, i am. and i’m not trying to be mellow dramatic over here so i apologize if it comes off that way. i’m just trying to look on the bright side when i feel like there is no bright side.
have a lovely rest of your monday.
what are you grateful for today?