November 3, 2010 oh, hey food.
oh, i started the past two posts with ‘oh?’
oh. my b.
yay wednesday. no lies: i skipped class. again. why yes, i am on track to winning ‘worst student of the semester’ award, thank you very much. sometimes i feel guilty for skipping class. but that’s a whole other conversation i don’t feel like diving into right now. i want to talk about today. and the past week.
today kind of rocked a little bit. easy, slow early morning consisting of a new hour long yoga session (thanks yoga today!). my four hour shift at work flew by. i ate eggs. in place of class i rock climbed (do your best to withhold judgement). and i enjoyed good company all day. dinner consisted of delicious indian. i even had frozen yogurt (graham cracker. oh yes. it was that good). but that’s not what i want to talk about.
i want to talk about this: i’m starting to feel some what normal again. normal for me includes a steady happiness and the ability to be settled and content with my surroundings, with my being. i am starting to behave a little like the wonderful people i know. last night i drank some beer and ate at a time usually designated “off limits” for the consumption of food. despite waking up a bit full i still managed to stay wildly happy all day. at work earlier i drank a drink with a few pumps of our syrup. and i smiled while doing it. but, truth be told, i’m uncomfortable. the normalcy of it all makes me feel uncomfortable simply because i’m gettingtoo comfortable. i know: “zoe, seriously, wtf?”. getting to the point, loves.
let me preface by saying this: sometimes, understanding how the mind of a person who is obsessive and controlling of food can be difficult. let me explain it to you the best way i know how: through the use of a metaphor. involving yoga. specifically involving half moon.
right now i feel like i am balancing precariously. my standing leg shakes. my core works hard to maintain its connection, my spine its integrity. the quiet of my mind fights the negative chatter attempting to thwart my attempts at finding peace in an otherwise challenging pose. sometimes, i drop my leg. in these moments i fight the urge to say “fuck it” and abandon all hope while rolling back into child’s pose. sometimes i don’t fight. but most times, i do. i breathe deep, concentrate and move slowly back into the movement. balancing ain’t easy.
over the past two weeks the rigidness i toted around like a dead fucking weight for nearly a year feels like it’s (finally) starting to melt away (i think this translates into my schooling situation. i’ll explain this in another post, i’m thinking.). i’m slipping back into the person i used to be. by “breaking” my old “rules” i am allowing myself the freedom to eat and not worry about what each little morsel will do to my body. and by eat i mean eat. like, a lot. because we’re in an honesty zone over here i’m just going to say it: i’m just not sure how i feel about it.
i feel like a little kid testing the boundaries again: “can i do this and still be x, y, and z?” i am allowing myself a treat every now and then. however, i find that i am so happy to be tasting the food i forced myself to forget about, i over consume. though i am dealing much better, some times on these nights good old guilt comes knocking on my conscious’ door with the same old salesman’s grin and the same old story. and i listen. i buy it all. i allow the negative chatter in and lose the connection to myself. i topple out of my carefully constructed half-moon. again, balancing here. it takes work.
especially when you feel like you’re starting all over from scratch. i am relearning how to treat myself nicely. i am relearning how to feed myself correctly. i am relearning the definition of love, balance, and happiness. i’m relearning normal.
eating a lot feels scary. loosening my control feels scary. giving up rules and rituals feels scary. why? easy answer: i don’t know what’s going to happen. to my body, to my anxiety, to my balance, to anything. i am still too attached to my negative ideas.
but i’m trying. i’m forcing myself to not beat myself up for eating too many of one thing. i scheduled another appointment with my counselor. i’m seriously looking into nutritionists. i am finally going to my family for help. it feels good. so i know i’m doing something right.
like one little miss potato said: don’t be afraid.
well loves, i’m trying.