November 1, 2010 it all works out
happy halloween. hope the spookfest was spooky. currently listening to the beatles and picking over thoughts.
i ain’t feelin’ too hot, kidlettes. woke up engulfed in the funk. went to sleep last night cuddled up with the funk. not a good feeling. and you know what? i did it to myself. i have an uncanny ability to create a miserable existence for myself. i really loathe when i do this because it never brings me happiness. it only makes me feel lethargic and down. today consisted of patchy grey clouds and moments of happiness blurred together with an consistent underlying feeling of unworthiness. last night after work i skipped the halloween work party in favor of sitting alone at home. i regret it. i missed a good night all because of my own silly self. lesson learned.
the regret mingled with the feeling of anxiety and doubt all day today. though i laughed and smiled some, i still felt like i walked around on eggshells. and, eventually, i cracked. i caved tonight, big time. i attempted a head clearing run today followed by what i hoped to be soothing yoga. fail. not even a new yoga flow in the evening helped either. i still indulged in a bag of candy corn and far too many unsweetened chocolate chips. and please, no one tell me it’s okay. because making yourself feel on the verge of puking (literally) is not healthy. i binged because food is one of the ways i calm my anxiety. it never works, though. it only adds to my uncomfortable feelings. i know this but i know no other ways to ease my sadness. exercise only goes so far. working out and food just cannot be my only two outlets.
tomorrow i am making another appointment with the counselor. if this week told me anything, it was i still need help navigating this path to health and happiness. two appointments set up a good foundation but i now need to start building. in addition tot he counseling appointment, i have an over the phone consultation with a nutritionist tomorrow. she is from my home town and i’m so excited. though i truly believe i cannot be vegan right now, i might be able to be vegan in the future. i am scared to let go of my habits and my routine but in order to change, i need to.
i’m sorry to be such a downer right now. i really hate bumming people out. but sometimes blogging it out really helps me get a better perspective and a better handle on my feelings. from the bottom of my heart i thank you for bearing with me. i am doubting myself worth right now for a handful of reasons. mainly guys, recognizing issues with attention and its validating power for my self-worth, and feeling frustrated and anxious about my body. some times i dig myself into a deep hole and have issues crawling out. i’m only human. i know the good days come with the bad. and i’ve been in my head just about all week. i’ve been stumbling on a lot of realizations all week and it really all came to fruition tonight. sometimes i overwhelm myself. luckily tomorrow is a new day, a new sun to wake to a new set of hours to be thankful for. another chance at positivity.
unlike my past self, i see positivity in the future, not an endless road of difficulty. i’m know these feelings of inadequacy will pass, something i used to not believe. i know i will get back on the healthy track in a short time. i’m just on an unfortunate and frustrating detour. i’m sorry for being so melodramatic. it’s something i do sometimes and i’m not really a fan. i can be pretty emotional at times. and whiney. it’s annoying. but right now it’s all i’m feeling. so again, i thank you for your patience. if i could bake you all cookies i would. honestly. maybe i will! gimme your addresses if you’re game 🙂
anyway, it’s about 12:30 in the am here. guess it’s november now. wow, can you believe that? it’s almost thanksgiving! it’s almost the end of 2010. damn. cannot believe it. whatsoever. i look forward to this week. i’m going to try and make it a good one. check back soon, too — i’ve got some weekend recipes to dole out.
have a fantastic monday, loves. and again, i apologize for the downer of a post.