October 26, 2010 it’s all about compassion
thanks so much for all your well wishes and sweet comments! i really appreciate them, kidlettes 🙂 the party was just a regular old costume party, considering halloween was so close! luckily people got creative and the “sexy firefighters” and “naughty french maids” stuck to their day jobs 😉 not that i have anything against the slutty halloween thing (freshman year of college i was alice from alice in wonderland and it wasn’t the most innocent costume. did i just admit that?). it was just refreshing to see people create their own costumes. one of my really good friends dressed up as our other really good friend who is studying abroad in spain this year. it was awesome.
anyway, after all the birthday celebrations, i feel a little worse for wear, naturally. my schedule and routine have yet to return, really. unfortunately, this has impacted my eating schedule as well. my eats have been less than stellar lately. the beer and the sweets left me feeling bloated and not completely happy in body and mind. i am trying as best i can to remain positive and remind myself that a) you don’t get fat overnight and b) it’s simply OKAY. yet, here i am, struggling. and lacking this:
truth be told i kind of hate the fact i need a schedule for my eats. i know i am not everyone else, but everyone else i know never worries about their food intake and when and where and what they will be consuming. although i feel stronger than i have in months, i am still working on easing my food anxieties and disordered eating habits. i know recovery does not happen over night. i know baby steps are key. but i also know i am a perfectionist by nature and it tends to lead me to do too much too quickly which only leaves me frustrated. i guess i’m impatient. scratch that, i know i’m impatient.
and it doesn’t help that, as of late, my well of work out motivation has drained a significant amount. i just do not feel like moving much. and i do not feel like forcing myself to move. i still walk to school and i rock climbed monday and sunday (also ran a little on sunday, too. just a mile!). but i feel kind of like a slug. and on days like these, i need to remind myself to eat. the body needs food to operate appropriately but my food anxieties and disordered eating tendencies subconsciously steer me away from the kitchen. admittedly i am in a much better and much more balanced place but some days i feel the negativity creep back in and take control. and on days like these, when i allow my emotions to govern my decisions, i make unhealthy choices. i am not a fan of feeling like crap or crawling back to my old habits.
so where does compassion fit into all of this you ask? remember the daily om e-mails i told you about? (seriously, if you have yet to subscribe please do so!) well i got one today which helped sooth my sour mood. it was titled “create time for self-compassion.” what an amazing suggestion! how often do you find yourself thinking “i wish i was more like ____” or “i wish i didn’t just ____” or “why can’t i ____?”. often we’re far more critical of ourselves than we ever would be of, say, our best friends. why do we allow everyone else we know and love to be flawed while we strive for unobtainable perfection?
if you’re anything like me, self-compassion is something you are learning. in the past, i have been my most cruel and harshest critic. it has taken a lot of time to undo the wrongs i have inflicted on my poor body and mind. i am still working on it. but at least i’m working at it! i am a million times more forgiving of myself than i ever have been before (fact: i love laughing at myself and all my “mistakes”). i could easily throw in the towel but i’ve seen just how wonderful positive living is. so does the daily om:
The more we are able to treat our bodies with gentleness, the more compassion we will call forth into our lives.
that sentence struck me. be gentle to yourselves and you’ll find forgiveness easier to achieve. you’ll find traits you once thought of as flaws to actually be elements that create the amazingness that is you, not things you need to punish yourself over. treat yourself with compassion and self-love will come naturally.
i love myself. i honestly do. it’s just sometimes, i forget about compassion. i get caught up in the negativity like i did tonight (because i am human. it happens.). but tomorrow is a new day. hell, the next minute is a new minute. so, i’m going to heed daily om’s advice and spend the next hour before bed (work at four :() treating myself well. that means a mini yoga session, some light reading, and an early bed time!
tell me, do you love yourself? why? if not, why!?! because you’re fantastic. and yes, you’re fantastic just the way you are. what’s keeping you from realizing that?
here’s to a brighter tomorrow! sleep well, loves!