October 6, 2010 a date with confidence
confidence can be a tricky thing. one day it drives everything you seem to do. another day it plays an endless game of hide and seek. what disrupts the constant stream of confidence, though? do you get caught up in your appearance? do you doubt your self-worth? do you, for whatever reason, believe confidence to be an entirely unobtainable thing? well, i would like to tell you you’re wrong. completely wrong. confidence comes from within. you control your confidence. not the other way around!
and with confidence comes the ability to love yourself and everything you do. it brings about a feeling of overwhelming comfort. and, even today when i woke up with a bit less confidence, i forced myself into happiness. i forced myself into confidence. the more you fake it, the closer you get to making it, right? i’m going to pretend i just heard you say ‘right’ :).
anyway, the point i am trying to make here is this: confidence should never be elusive. once you see the greatest that is you, everyone else will, too. treat yourself with respect and everyone else will, too. since embracing my own confidence a lot has happened. i feel lighter in body, mind, and soul. i smile a lot. i laugh a lot more. and some interesting things have happened, particularly on the people front. okay, particularly on the boy front.
i never, ever, ever, ever carried myself around with much confidence. i much preferred wallowing in the negative. i saw no positive in the positive. i was basically a professional at personal putdowns. i was always fat, always ugly, always dumb. i was never good enough for anyone, not even myself. and you know what? people noticed. i let people walk all over me. boys never noticed me because i never let them. i always hid the person i was because i knew no one would like me. aside from being incredibly lame and really, really foolish, it always paved the way for a perpetual single existence.
but now i walk a different walk, talk a different talk. my confidence shows. remember the date i alluded to? well yes, it was a date after all. and though i am not interested (i am currently smitten with another) i am incredibly flattered. i’ve noticed a lot of boys talk to me now. i made a cashier at starbucks blush the other day. yeah, i felt pretty cool 🙂 the attention is such a new feeling! i’m really not used to it. and i kind of have to admit…i like it. and i am not using it to validate my self-worth, either. because i already know and value myself. do you know yours?
regardless, i am digging this new feeling of confidence. in addition to embracing my temptress, it has lead me to attempt things i previously thought i could not do. like this…
MY VERY FIRST HEADSTAND!!!!!!!!
and yes, i do yoga in my jammies. well, actually, only on that day. i usually get on my mat sans clothes 😉
ANYWAY…i’ve been working on headstand for a second and a half now. and when i got into that position i cannot tell you the feeling of accomplishment that welled inside my chest. i yelled for candace to come and look. which she graciously did. and she also took the picture. that’s what best friends are for 🙂 i feel like i need to tuck my tailbone under a bit more but hey, i stayed up until i felt like coming down. that’s saying something! my core is getting so strong!
know what else i couldn’t resist?
dessert from cafe gratitude! this would be the turtle “cheese”cake. honestly, i cannot believe these are raw and vegan. i bought this on the “date”. after i already ate dessert. i really wanted a slice so i got one! ate it the next day though. and i got half way through this sentence: “would you judge me if i ordered another slice of cake” before stopping at saying, “wait, i don’t give a fuck what you think. i’m getting that.” it was a great feeling 🙂
so. good. i want some right now, actually. really badly! the other day i also made chocolate chip cookies and chocolate chip blondies out of the babycakes cook book. both vanished in a night. my friends kind of loved them. and so did i. i ate as much as i wanted, guilt free, went to bed satisfied and woke up happy as a calm. i am finally getting this mind body connection. and the lack of guilt associated with my eats is an amazing feeling.
so kidlettes, what have you learned through out this horribly written, rambling post? that you’re awesome and should love the awesomeness that is you? that confidence is something you should always have? that cafe gratitude is amazing? and so are headstands and little mugs from starbucks? regardless, i just really hope you find the confidence i know is in you. just free it.