September 17, 2010 feeling beet-utiful
the road to the recovery of positivity never unfolds without bumps. most days i find it less difficult to see the brighter side of things. but some days, seeing the beauty inside of myself and inside of everything feels so unobtainable. i am sure most of you too find it difficult some days to accept yourself as you are in that moment.
this week i’ve struggled a bit more than usual in remaining positive. i am having difficultly accepting my body has — quite clearly — settled at its’ happy weight. i am having difficulty accepting the slight extra weight. i am having trouble accepting the womanly curves of my natural body (no matter what weight i have been, i have not been below a d cup). i feel my health returning but the healthy mind body connection is still broken. i am obsessive over certain body parts and some days cannot shut off the negative mind’s chatter. additionally, i am still running into days where i knowingly restrict my caloric intake. it feels really awful to experience a budding sense of pride and happiness when i know i did not eat a lot during one day.
so i breathe in deeply and move forward with my day, managing as best i can.
oddly enough, though, despite the handful of negative days i run into to and despite the destructive thoughts i accumulate on those days, i feel good. i am allowing myself to do more. to experience life.
yesterday i drank an iced soy chai from my school’s coffee shop. usually i forego all drinks except water. but yesterday it sounded delicious. so delicious that i chucked food rules and food anxieties and drank one. and enjoyed one. and did not think about the calories and sugar in it.
did i ever mention i love rock climbing? last year i got belay certified…and only went to the rock wall twice. a friend of mine kind of discouraged me. and the harness pinched me in all the “wrong places”, making me think i looked “fat”. so i stayed away, afraid of what i looked like and afraid to try again. know what i did on wednesday? went rock climbing. and? well i thought about what i looked like for like…ten seconds. and got over it. and focused on having fun, not obsessing over the size of my thighs in a harness. and was it fun? probably one of the most fun activities i’ve done since returning to school. i loved all the new muscles i used and i loved the challenge. will i go back? oh, hell yes.
on the days i eat healthfully, i eat well. i eat what i crave. and lately, it’s been a lot of tasty. and pizzas.
the best part? i kind of over cooked the wrap so it was like eating off of a giant chip! the crunchiness was awesome. the food for life wraps are so incredibly tasty. i love, love, looove them. in addition to tasting great, they’re also a complete protein! i really recommend them if you’ve never tried them.
best. idea. ever. yum!
um. basically amazing. i ate it with some walnuts, too. just cause. they look like brains, right? did you know walnuts promote brain health? cool, huh!
for the squash, boil in water for about ten minutes to soften it. then core it and scoop out it’s insides! while it’s boiling, cook the millet. take one cup and toast it on the stove. then add the toasted millet to a boiling pot of 2.5 cups water. cook for 25 minutes or until the water is absorbed. then take half a cup and mix with sauteed veggies (use what ever you have on hand!) stick in broiler for about five minutes. consume!
for the sauce: take a spoonful of tahini and mix it with a splash of water, a dash of salt, garlic powder, and nutritional yeast. it’s so creamy and good!
i am crazy about beets. always have been. i know a lot of people are not so into beets. but if you love beets like i love beets, this is for you. it’s beet-tastic. (and yes, i really did just type that.)
all you have to do is over bake some bake some beets a little, chop them up and stick them in the freezer. then run them through the food processor. this will take a second. it starts out in little chunks but add a few splashes of your milk of choice and it will come together like froyo! i added a pinch agave too, for some additional sweetness.
topped with warmed almond butter and this was just what i needed.
for lunch i ate a really delicious pizza…again…
food for life brown rice tortilla topped with tomato paste, sauteed onions (addicted), baked farmer’s market eggplant, farmer’s market basil, hummus cheeze sauce, and nutritional yeast.
i just added nutritional yeast to some garlic hummus i have and stirred in some water. it was deviiine. i baked thin slices of eggplant at 350 with just a little olive oil, s & p. simple and tasty. eight minutes or so on each side. after they were done i piled everything but the cheese on the pizza and popped it into the broiler (my new favorite) for a few minutes then took it out, dumped on the cheeze sauce and demolished. i was hungry. for a good reason.
i walked to school for a meeting with a teacher that never happened (he didn’t show up. and to think i could of gone rock climbing had i known he wasn’t going to be there). but i shrugged it off and headed for the gym. and i ran. for 30 minutes. straight. it was okay. i felt really good after, though. and still do. i might think about rebuilding my relationship with running but…baby steps. following the half hour i spent another half hour stretched out on my yoga mat. i brought it to the gym with me today and went through some poses in a back room. the view was gorgeous. and i did something i never do in public: took off my shirt and just did it my spandex shorts and sports bra. and kept my cool when people walked in the room.
talk about a big step. i was a bit self conscious at first but then i got over it. because i looked healthy. i went through some of my favorite balancing poses and a few sets of warriors as well as some floor work. by the time i walked out of the gym i felt really empowered.
i am feeling beautiful inside and out much more frequently. i am forgiving myself much more frequently. i am giving to myself much more frequently. i am trying. honest. and i like to think i am finally building a solid foundation for feeling beautiful for life.
tonight i am going to the giants game with my coworkers. and we just got paid today. looking forward to spending time with good people and maybe, just maybe, having a beer…hmmm…
have a fabulous evening, kidlettes.