September 8, 2010 i exist?
i swear, i do!
somewhere between a 37 hour work week and a 20 unit course load i lost track of my blog. sorry, i might be a sporadic-post type of semester! something tells me no one really minds though 🙂
so last week kicked my butt! but alls well and alls good because i made 75 bucks in tips for the week and i’m pretty sure i have a fat pay check headed my way. score one!
because of all the hectic business, i really have nothing noteworthy to write to you all about. school is school. i’m in love with my writing classes (per usual) and the story i started just keeps gushing from my fingers. i am eating well, i am working out well, i am thinking well — i am well. i know i say it a lot and double back over the statement, but i honestly feel stronger and more sane each and every day. the more i balance, the less i feel the need to binge, to stress, to cry, to feel down, to over exert my body.
i will say, though, on saturday i had a near-nervous breakdown. at dinner. with my parents. know i have yet to share this whole disordered-eating-compulsive-exercising issue with my parents who, i’m sure, have a slight idea though not a very well rounded one. i mentioned my stomach hurt (which it did. and i credit this to drinking water during my meal. i’ve found drinking during eating upsets my stomach!) and this sent my mom into a “maybe it’s your diet. you’re very restrictive.” to which (okay, yes, i am but i’m getting so much better at this! and being vegan also cuts a lot out of my life, too.) i said “yes, but it’s also all inclusive of a lot of other foods (you have no idea about)” which only set her off.
soo…i started to cry. i politely asked her if we could not talk about it at that moment but she kept pushing it. so i said, teary eyed and embarrassed, “can we please not talk about this right now? please?” until she finally stopped. i lost my appetite. my stomach hurt for the rest of the night. and i barely talked for the rest of the meal. it was miserable.
not miserable? this progress. this feeling of unshakeable capability. i feel so together in this moment. whenever i feel the need to weigh myself or whenever i feel a negative emotion creeping up on me, i tackle my irrational mind with my rational mind and remind myself my weight is not important. it does not define who i am. believe it or not, this makes a whole world of difference.
and yoga…well, yoga is my life saver. i return to my mat over and over again in times of stress and doubt. yesterday, after a long day at school and work, i returned home and hopped on my mat for a 90 minute home bikram session. it. rocked. i left my mat feeling strong and happy. i miss bikram at my studio but i have no time to commit to something as expensive as it is. for now, i’ll be sticking to my home yoga sessions until i graduate this fall (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !)
well, that’s it for me right now. i’ve got class in forty and i’ve gotta jet. cause iiii’m walkin’! have a good one. i promise more interesting posts in the future 🙂