September 2, 2010 word of the day: amazing
ah, what a day.
it started off early, around 7:30. i woke up prepped for the day, ate a smoothie breakfast with a baby slice of manna carrot raisin bread (which, by the way, is seriously delicious) and bounded off towards school. overhead the sun already ignited the sky and dang, i could tell the heat wave was about to crash down. but i didn’t care. in fact, i didn’t care about much. i felt good today. solid. why?
because i went to my first counseling session! i mentioned before (did i?) i tried the counseling thing my sophomore year of college (over a year ago. wow!) but lacked commitment. i cancelled several appointments and after a while, the counseling service offered on my campus (for free!) informed me they stopped scheduling me. it was fine by me at the time.
flash forward a little over a year and a half and i’m back. and completely committed. i am so willing to move past this period in my life. i am so willing to start dealing appropriately. i am so willing to be honest and to change and to start finally on the (hopefully not endless) road to permanent positivity. it felt amazing to speak to someone who i know will help me manage my disordered eating, my anxiety, my inability to love myself. and it felt amazing to know just how much i want this. i know a counselor will not solve all my problems. i know half the battle rests on me. but i also know i am prepared to start rebuilding my mind body connection. i am prepared to unearth my real self. and damn, am i excited.
following the (emotional and very teary) session, i headed to my into to novel writing class. the other day our teacher asked each of us to share our idea for our novel. outside of one other person, i stood alone in not knowing what the hell i was planning to write. my teacher said “write about your obsession. write about the background noise that’s always on.” i reacted a bit sensitively to this, obviously, but you know what? that background noise formed the platform of my story. it came about unexpectedly. i tried to focus on another topic, to write another story, but this story so clearly wanted to be written i found myself unable to ignore it. so i’ve started a story. just now. and the release feels like no other. nothing like putting emotions on the page.
i was present for the rest of the day. i stayed at in the moment as possible. i turned in my graduation papers. i sat through another (amazing) short story fiction class. i got serenaded by a kid on campus pushing his rap CD. i walked through the late-afternoon heat from school to home (i love walking to school :)). i went through a (sweaty) balance flow.
lately avocados have appeared in several eats. i love, love, love avocados but avoided them, for the most part, because of their fat. the “fat” part scared me. the irrational part of my mind told me avocados made me gain weight. and i most certainly could not eat them. but, lately, i’ve been fighting back. and so my beloved avocado has appeared in a few dishes…
i feel better each day. if i fall into a funk i try my best to shake it off. like the other day at work, for example, i started the day on the wrong foot. i weighed myself (always a bad idea. sometimes it proves too tempting…) and went to work groggy and in a sour mood. for the first few (hectic) hours i got down on myself. i felt like everyone was annoyed with me. i felt incapable. i almost cried a few times. then, on my break, i went in the back and did some yoga. i went through some sun salutations and a few balance poses right there in the back room in my work clothes because damn it, i was not going to be a sad sack all day. in twenty minutes i felt stretched out, full of new energy, and, wouldn’t you know it, totally happy. that happiness followed me around the rest of the day.
it feels good to feel good, kidlettes.
keep on keepin on. as for me, it’s hot as balls outside right now and i would certainly not mind a little late evening stroll.