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zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

Monthly Archives: September 2010

confession number one: i love creative projects.

though, this might be obvious by now. anyway, my creative side has really come alive in the past couple of weeks. over summer, as you might remember, i felt flat. uninspired. but something has happened and lately, all i want to do it go, go, go and make, make, make. and i’m just running with it. why? because i finally feel alive again. and this creative energy has helped me in the kitchen!

i love to create on the page as well as in my kitchen. i think i spend the majority of my time in the kitchen. especially yesterday. i made a lot of delicious things yesterday. liiiiike…


um. delicious. and ridiculously easy. all you do: blend unsweetened (unless you like sweetened!) flaked or shredded coconut in a food processor for about ten minutes. then you have awesome and significantly less expensive coconut butter. i basically wanted to put this on everything yesterday.

it definitely ended up on my dinner…

coconut curry oats with red onions, edamame, butter lettuce, and coconut butter!

really random. REALLY delicious.

i also made some walnut butter!

walnuts whizzed in the food processor for about ten minutes

AND cafe gratitude whipped cream frosting (i use it on waffles or toast or i just eat it. it’s so. good.)

no recipe though, because it’s not mine. buy the book. best purchase EVER.

confession number two: i’m doing everything i can to break out of my shell.

i’m shy. i’ve mentioned it. and you know what? i’m tired of not experiencing life just because i am nervous about it. i am tired of not allowing myself to just live. so know what i did today after work? i went to a free half hour fitness class. okay, i hear you. um, so what? well, it wasn’t just any fitness class kidlettes. it involved a little bit of this

and a pair of these

catching on? oh yes, i went to a pole dancing fitness class! and it was free! i won a raffle i randomly entered, thinking all along “phfft, i won’t win anyway” because i never win raffles. i’m so glad i did! the fitness studio is called icandy and damn, i can tell you i have a new respect for strippers. it’s not easy. but it is SO much fun! and none of the other winners showed up so i got to have a one on one class with the instructor.

because of my history with body self-consciousness, i have never been able to feel comfortable with my sexual self. personally i think our sexual sides are an integral part of our lives and suppressing it only stifles our development as human beings. taking this class helped me feel sexy. the more comfortable i get with myself, the less rigid i am. and to think for a second i almost didn’t let myself go. i pose this challenge to you: the next time you think twice about going to an event, or a social gathering, or anything, really, alone just let go. just go! you’ll thank yourself later. why stay in your comfort zone at all times? that’s not experiencing life, or so i’m learning!

in addition, i’m simply getting out there. i am not staying in my house because i feel uncomfortable in my clothes, in my skin. i am going to friends parties where i may not know anyone sans candace. i am taking up activities i was too afraid to do before (rock climbing anyone?). i’m just living. it’s awesome.

confession number three: i love my body. i love myself.

i’ve said it before but now i actually mean it. instead of relying on others for validation, i am finding it in myself each and every day. i love how i am settling into my skin and not forcing my body to be something it just so is not. i love how i am acknowledging my talents and strengths where before i pretended like i had nothing to offer. what a lie! and a waste of energy! i have so much to offer. and i’m excited to offer it. the more i take care of myself, mind and body, the more whole and happy i feel. life is good, kidlettes. it’s really, really good.

it’s a beautiful saturday and work is out of the way. this creative kick is still kickin’ and i want to get out there and enjoy the sunshine and this great mood.

keep on smiling, kidlettes! because you’re amazing, inside and out!



(oh and a p.s: i updated the about me page and the beatles page :))

helloooo kidlettes, how are all of you this evening? well, i hope!

i myself am doing pretty swell and for a number or reasons. let me share.

a) it’s thursday. classes are duuuunzo for the week. score one!
b) i’m eating a really delicious salad right now. it’s chalk full of all kiiiiinds of goodness. think lots of vegetables. lots. i went a little crazy at the salad bar at my local market…
c) both my story critiques surpassed my expectations today. i had to read one aloud too because i forgot to turn it in on tuesday! nerve.racking. but for the first time, i’m actually believing in my writing. i feel so connected to these stories i create and i feel like i am challenging myself as a writer.
d) my eats as of late have been so wonderfully amazing. like my lunch the other day…

baked eggplant, heirloom tomato, basil napoleon

tasty, tasty lunch. and all farmer’s market materials! and oh, my friends, the list of tasty food keep unraveling. i’ve mentioned cafe gratitude cakes a million times. but i am usually sans camera whenever i stop in for a slice. you’re in luck though! i brought a slice home the other day. a german chocolate slice. (raw AND vegan) side shot!

vertical shot!

what the box looked like shot!

(it’s called “i am rapture” cake. all the items on their menu are affirmations.)

e) i went climbing again. and it rocked. i’m falling in love with it, i think. it’s just so damn fun. and i feel my body and mind working together. it’s such a challenge and i am loving every second in it. i’m using muscles i never knew i had!

which brings me to…


my friend, a ridiculously amazing climber, (and oddly enough one of the boys in my boy debacle) picked up a used pair for me at his climbing gym when he went home yesterday. for 15 bucks, they’re a steal. sure, they’re a little worn but hey, i don’t have to break them in! and they’re two different colors…absolutely perfect 🙂 it matches me pretty well, i think.

g) LIFE IS JUST TOO DAMN AMAZING. although i haven’t been to a counseling appointment in two weeks (our schedules conflicted last week. i get to see her tomorrow!) i’ve been thriving. at least, that’s how i feel. i walk around with this constant smile on my face. it just won’t quit. i’m laughing at lot. i’m feeling creative. i’m eating steadily and well. i’m not breaking out. i haven’t binged in weeks. i’m not being hard on myself. i’m not forcing anything on myself. to put it simply, i’m thinking positive thoughts, folks. and it rocks. each day strengthens my confidence. i am, honestly, in love with this person i am.

sigh. i’m so glad it’s the weekend. it’s been a busy week. but i’ve got work at four tomorrow morning and need to relax before i sleeeeeep. have an excellent thursday night, kidlettes! (and don’t worry kara, i’ll have that review on thrive up for you soon!)



happy sunday morning! or, rather, happy grey, misty, humid sunday morning. the weather can’t quite decide what it wants to be today. i still kind of love it.

yesterday the good vibes just kept on rolling. and the run? hands down the best run i’ve ever been on. ever. from start to (reluctant) finish, i only felt awesome. i dug on the music, dug on the beautiful scenery, dug on the ridiculous happiness cultivating in my chest. it felt good to move my legs like that. and it felt good to not associate it strictly with the amount of calories burned. i never ran long distances to challenge myself in a healthy, fun way — i only did it to burn, burn, burn. not part of this run felt like a challenge, though. my legs carried me seamlessly from one spot to the next. i followed no set path. i stopped only because i needed to meet candace at the house on her break. oh, and can i just add: running with knees that are not bums kicks ass. i like the no pain knees better. go figure.

and i took some advice from my latest obsession, thrive, and ate a recovery snack high in easily digestible carbs. according to brendan braizer, consuming a recovery snack high in protein and fat directly after a work out forces the body’s energy and blood flow to the stomach in order to digest. this energy, crucial now as the body is recovery from a work out, can now not properly repair the body. the body’s repair time gets extended and a lot of energy is expanded. he suggests eating a small recovery snack and then a few hours later, when the body has had some time to repair, eat your protein-rich meal. it helps the body recover faster!

i’ve practiced this philosophy a for the past couple of weeks and i can tell you i seriously feel a difference. i have more energy after my work outs. i feel myself recovering much more quickly. i don’t wake up fatigued and sore and miserable the next day. it’s pretty awesome! yesterday’s recovery snack was a smoothie. half a banana, half a overwhelmingly delicious farmer’s market white peach, some ice and some almond milk. the crucial ingredient? sea salt! i sprinkled a good bit in there because i am a biiiig salty sweater. yum.

for dinner a few hours later, i went with exactly what my body was craving: carbs, carbs, carbs. and this was born:

a roasted garlic hummus smothered millet, eggplant and kale brown rice quesadilla!

i baked the eggplant before i put it in the quesadilla. this was absolutely delicious. seriously. just look at it.

and, oddly enough, i was craving salt. i took it as a cue from my body to add a bit more salt — i must of sweat out a ton!

for dessert about an hour later i created something yummy! i am still off the chocolate train for now (and, actually, feel a bit better). but i do eat cocoa powder and raw cacao powder. so i put this together:

nut butter chocolate cups!

one is sunflower seed butter, the other almond butter. all i did was take coconut oil, melt it down, and mix it with unsweetened coco powder. i find i really enjoy the unsweetened taste of chocolate now. i’m weird. really, though, i credit this to my drastic decrease in sugar. i rarely, if ever, consume white refined sugar and i feel better because of it. sugar just doesn’t work for my body. have you ever found anything you just don’t jive with at all?

but anyway, onto the business of this deliciousness. all i did was melt the coconut oil, put half in the bottom of two cupcake holders. then stuck them in the freezer for about ten minutes to harden some so the nut butters wouldn’t sink to the bottom of the cup. then i topped it off with nut butter and then the remainder of the melted coconut oil. the good thing about coconut oil? well besides being pretty darn good for you, it freezes quickly! so you can consume this in no time at all:

i’m having fun in the kitchen again. it’s exciting.

i’m balancing pretty well at the moment. my libra scales are happy. i am happy. and concentrating on expanding that happiness. i’m listening closely to my body and, wouldn’t you know it, successfully balancing my emotions, my skin, my weight, my metabolism, my energy. i’m not sure if i have, but i feel like i’ve stumbled onto something here. regardless i’m totally running with it. i’m breathing a big sigh of relief this sunday morning.

i’m taking it easy today. i’ve got family dinner this evening and work tomorrow at 6:45. so i’m just doing homework and hopefully retiring to bed eaaaarly. it’s been a sleepless kind of weekend. maybe i’ll squeeze in some nice hatha yoga if i have time. anyway, have a good one!

(i can sit in half lotus now! my hips are so. tight. another gift from running and stress)



(and p.s: just looking at this picture from last night. my skin is healthy again you guys. i’m so happy :)!

my situation appeared a little gloomy last post, didn’t it? not my intention.

especially because i had such an amazing night last night. i work with some hilarious, entertaining, fantastic individuals. the giants game was so much fun. i carted into the city myself and four other boys (two of them being the boys i mentioned earlier in the week). somehow i always manage to become bffs with guys much quicker than with girls. strange phenomenon (holy hell i just spelled that word right for the first time ever. sorry, but pretty sure that deserves a paranthetical announcement!). regardless, we chit chatted the entire way into the city and listened to good music. at the game i enjoyed not one but TWO beers. usually i forego drinking because the empty calories and carbs freak me out. but i decided to hell with it — i was at a giants game and i was going to enjoy myself. and i did.

my coworkers got drunk. i got a little tipsy myself. and i was all smiles the entire evening. even though i got back late and woke up at four unable to go back to sleep, i am still having an amazing day. i woke up super pumped for the day to begin. worked from 7-1:30. ate a delicious, filling lunch and am about to set out on a run.

confession: since breaking up with running about two and a half months ago, no part of me has wanted to run. recently, however, the running itch has returned and the need to scratch it continues to grow. part of me is hesitant because part of me believes i am only interested (still) in the calorie burning aspect of the work out. but the other, much, much more rational aspect of my self, recognizes the budding joy i have found in my last few runs. at work today all i could think about was running. not running a lot, just a little — something like two to three miles at an easy peasy pace. with walking breaks if need be. i am not pushing myself anymore in anything — i’m only doing things i like and only doing as much as my body wants me to. i’m getting better at this whole listening to my body, don’t you think? personally i’m really proud of the progress i have made. really.

so if i feel like running from now on, i think i’m going to give it a shot. most days include yoga (okay, basically all days) but some days will now include running, i think. i’m about ready to rebuild this relationship the healthy way. since tearing through thrive by brendan brazier, i realized how little i was feeding myself back in my heavy running days. i was never properly fueled for my runs or properly recovering from my runs. i did not realize the impact my intentional restriction would have on my body. bodily stress = weight gain. bodily stress = bad skin. bodily stress = unstable emotions. bodily stress = depression. all the negative i experienced came from denying my body what it craved. i hope to see a nutritionist soon because i am still at a bit of a loss as to what i should be eating and how much and when. because i am not ready to give up this vegan lifestyle — i love it so much. thrive has helped me see and truly value to importance of taking care of my body. it is a temple, after all. seriously, i really, REALLY recommend thrive. there’s awesome nutritional facts about all kinds of food and delicious recipes. and pre and post workout recovery tips! the guy is smart, for sure.

anyway, i’m about to take off on my run now. wish me luck! i’ll let you all know how it turns out. have a fantastic saturday, my loves!



the road to the recovery of positivity never unfolds without bumps. most days i find it less difficult to see the brighter side of things. but some days, seeing the beauty inside of myself and inside of everything feels so unobtainable. i am sure most of you too find it difficult some days to accept yourself as you are in that moment.

this week i’ve struggled a bit more than usual in remaining positive. i am having difficultly accepting my body has — quite clearly — settled at its’ happy weight. i am having difficulty accepting the slight extra weight. i am having trouble accepting the womanly curves of my natural body (no matter what weight i have been, i have not been below a d cup). i feel my health returning but the healthy mind body connection is still broken. i am obsessive over certain body parts and some days cannot shut off the negative mind’s chatter. additionally, i am still running into days where i knowingly restrict my caloric intake. it feels really awful to experience a budding sense of pride and happiness when i know i did not eat a lot during one day.

so i breathe in deeply and move forward with my day, managing as best i can.

oddly enough, though, despite the handful of negative days i run into to and despite the destructive thoughts i accumulate on those days, i feel good. i am allowing myself to do more. to experience life.

yesterday i drank an iced soy chai from my school’s coffee shop. usually i forego all drinks except water. but yesterday it sounded delicious. so delicious that i chucked food rules and food anxieties and drank one. and enjoyed one. and did not think about the calories and sugar in it.

did i ever mention i love rock climbing? last year i got belay certified…and only went to the rock wall twice. a friend of mine kind of discouraged me. and the harness pinched me in all the “wrong places”, making me think i looked “fat”. so i stayed away, afraid of what i looked like and afraid to try again. know what i did on wednesday? went rock climbing. and? well i thought about what i looked like for like…ten seconds. and got over it. and focused on having fun, not obsessing over the size of my thighs in a harness. and was it fun? probably one of the most fun activities i’ve done since returning to school. i loved all the new muscles i used and i loved the challenge. will i go back? oh, hell yes.

on the days i eat healthfully, i eat well. i eat what i crave. and lately, it’s been a lot of tasty. and pizzas.

for lunch the other day i had a toastada of sorts…

sauteed zuchinni, onions, savoy cabbage on a sprouted wrap, topped with dayia cheese and slathered with nando’s hot sauce, of course

next up something interesting…

vegan cream cheese (follow your heart brand), mashed chick peas with nando’s, sauteed bell peppers and onions on a sprouted wrap

the best part? i kind of over cooked the wrap so it was like eating off of a giant chip! the crunchiness was awesome. the food for life wraps are so incredibly tasty. i love, love, looove them. in addition to tasting great, they’re also a complete protein! i really recommend them if you’ve never tried them.

about half way through eating this i got an idea…


best. idea. ever. yum!

last night i had one thing on my mind for dinner:

yellow squash stuffed with millet and sauteed onions, kale and bell pepper tossed in a creamy tahini garlic dressing

um. basically amazing. i ate it with some walnuts, too. just cause. they look like brains, right? did you know walnuts promote brain health? cool, huh!

for the squash, boil in water for about ten minutes to soften it. then core it and scoop out it’s insides! while it’s boiling, cook the millet. take one cup and toast it on the stove. then add the toasted millet to a boiling pot of 2.5 cups water. cook for 25 minutes or until the water is absorbed. then take half a cup and mix with sauteed veggies (use what ever you have on hand!) stick in broiler for about five minutes. consume!

for the sauce: take a spoonful of tahini and mix it with a splash of water, a dash of salt, garlic powder, and nutritional yeast. it’s so creamy and good!

and for dessert, something i planned a few days ago…

beet froyo!

i am crazy about beets. always have been. i know a lot of people are not so into beets. but if you love beets like i love beets, this is for you. it’s beet-tastic. (and yes, i really did just type that.)

all you have to do is over bake some bake some beets a little, chop them up and stick them in the freezer. then run them through the food processor. this will take a second. it starts out in little chunks but add a few splashes of your milk of choice and it will come together like froyo! i added a pinch agave too, for some additional sweetness.

topped with warmed almond butter and this was just what i needed.

for lunch i ate a really delicious pizza…again…

food for life brown rice tortilla topped with tomato paste, sauteed onions (addicted), baked farmer’s market eggplant, farmer’s market basil, hummus cheeze sauce, and nutritional yeast.

i just added nutritional yeast to some garlic hummus i have and stirred in some water. it was deviiine. i baked thin slices of eggplant at 350 with just a little olive oil, s & p. simple and tasty. eight minutes or so on each side. after they were done i piled everything but the cheese on the pizza and popped it into the broiler (my new favorite) for a few minutes then took it out, dumped on the cheeze sauce and demolished. i was hungry. for a good reason.

i walked to school for a meeting with a teacher that never happened (he didn’t show up. and to think i could of gone rock climbing had i known he wasn’t going to be there). but i shrugged it off and headed for the gym. and i ran. for 30 minutes. straight. it was okay. i felt really good after, though. and still do. i might think about rebuilding my relationship with running but…baby steps. following the half hour i spent another half hour stretched out on my yoga mat. i brought it to the gym with me today and went through some poses in a back room. the view was gorgeous. and i did something i never do in public: took off my shirt and just did it my spandex shorts and sports bra. and kept my cool when people walked in the room.

talk about a big step. i was a bit self conscious at first but then i got over it. because i looked healthy. i went through some of my favorite balancing poses and a few sets of warriors as well as some floor work. by the time i walked out of the gym i felt really empowered.

i am feeling beautiful inside and out much more frequently. i am forgiving myself much more frequently. i am giving to myself much more frequently. i am trying. honest. and i like to think i am finally building a solid foundation for feeling beautiful for life.

tonight i am going to the giants game with my coworkers. and we just got paid today. looking forward to spending time with good people and maybe, just maybe, having a beer…hmmm…

have a fabulous evening, kidlettes.



a beautiful end to a beautiful weekend. sunshiney blue skies all weekend. no work. lots of friends and lots of adventures.

what did i do?

saturday a friend and i went to the 12th annual power to the peaceful festival in san francisco. unfortunately, i missed the day including yoga. fortunately, i went to a day filled with music, excellent vendors, fantastic organic foods and tons and tons and tongs of people. we saw rebelution. we saw other local bands. we watched acrobatic yoga. we saw a lot of old hippies, lots of young hipsters, and a bunch of peace loving kids (me included). i also got to feast on some food from lydia’s organics! they’re a local company (from my home town!) and i’ve talked about how much i love their crackers so it only made sense i loved their food as well.

this plate of deliciousness was called the coconut curry special. delicious salad with “rice” (cauliflower) and marinated veggies in a coconut curry sauce. um. so…this was delicious! and it came with three of my most favorite crackers!

cloooose uuuppp!

this was ultra hydrating which was exactly what i wanted. it was ridiculously hot in the city yesterday and i could not get enough water.

another great part of yesterday? BUFFALO!!

san francisco has a section of golden gate park fenced off for these buffalo. they’ve been here foreeeever and i remember my grandma taking me to see them when i was a kid. new sight for my friend, who is originally from san diego.

and last night one of my best friends from high school came to visit me. and this morning we went to the farmer’s market! i went a little crazy…

minus the hummus (part of my lunch i was snacking on!) the pile of food you see includes dino kale, kale, thai sweet basil, basil, cantelope, heirloom tomatoes, okra, peaches, nectarines, eggplant, mango plums (these are seriously delicious), carrots (ooof course), romaine, and three nut butters i got at trader joes (my most favorite place everrr). i am stocked for the week and plan on making lots of delicious meals when i have time to do so.

also, i’ve contemplated new ideas for my next tattoo. i am addicted, this is true. number three will most likely be words because, well, for obviously reasons — i am a writer. i love words and find meaning in so many. i’m thinking about getting some (more) beatles’ lyrics. are you surprised? there’s a few lines from the song ‘dear prudence’ that really strike me: ‘the sun is up, the sky is blue, it’s beautiful, and so are you.’ it would be a permanent reminder to see the bright side of the issue and to always see the beauty in people and things and especially in myself. what do you guys think! i’d get it on my left side, if you were wondering. i’m going to sit with it a few months and see how i feel. never get a tattoo on impulse! shit’s permanent!

but my main dilemma unfolded itself in front of me this weekend. it kind of sucks. and i’m kind of wondering where all this karma is coming from. the universe sure knows how to create an unfavorable coincidence sometimes. allow me to explain. last year around this time i met a guy who i immediately really liked. we seemed to click pretty well. but there was just one problem (isn’t there always?): he had a girlfriend. so i put my feelings aside and just stayed his friend. and pretended the flushed feeling he created in my face and the nerves he ignited in my stomach did not exist. no, we were just friends.

so now, almost a year later, i find a boy at work who i think is pretty cute. he is quite similar (re: very) to the guy i originally found attractive. we all work together, i should mention. and about a week ago, boy number one got dumped by his girlfriend. right when i started to “move on” from my little crush that refused to die. and guess what? yeah, it refused to die. this crush has acted more like a phoenix, really. it grew again from the ashes of epic fail. and i know he’s in no position to start a relationship. and i know his heart is broken. and i know i have no interest in being a rebound. but damn it…i really like him.

i don’t often talk about boys on here. i am really shy. painfully so. i’ll tell those background stories another time. but do know that right about now, i am done with the single thing. and i’ve been working really hard to put myself out there. and it seems to have worked. boy number two kind of likes me. i can tell. candace can tell. but now boy number one is suddenly free of his girlfriend. this is a shitty situation. there’s no other way to put that. talk about a ridiculous “love” triangle. ugh.

any suggestions as to what i should do? i hate leading people on and always make sure never to do it (learned that lesson. again, another story for another day…) and i do like boy number two it’s just…you know. what do i do? kill this new found crush and patiently wait? or the other way around? i don’t even know if i have a shot with boy number one, either. regardless, this is going to drive me crazy for a little bit. any help would be much, much appreciated.

as for now, i am just going to go with the flow. which means making dinner (it’s soup sunday afterall!) and ignoring my homework till the last possible second.

have a great evening, kidlettes. and i apologize for this rambling post. i tend to do that a lot. thanks for sticking around.



so i forgot to mention last post something remotely interesting.

last weekend my little broha came up to spend some time with me. i took him out to lunch and we ended up at — where else? — cafe gratitude! i ended up buying their desserts book because i am absolutely in love with their dessert as well as the rest of their food. i also bought it because my brother and i decided to spend the afternoon making one of the delicious creations! we settled in the strawberry shortcake layer cake. so last weekend i made my first raw dessert. how’d it come out? so good i forgot to take a picture before it was demolished. all apologies. it was amazing though! colored pink with beet juice and tasting like real strawberries (because, go figure, it used real strawberries!)

yesterday i somehow ended up back in cafe gratitude for a little solo dinner. i would like to blame the late friday afternoon traffic for that one. to avoid sitting in a hot car and moving a foot per minute, i decided to lounge and eat an early dinner. i ordered a latte (with steamed hazlenutmilk! this is the only place i drink coffee at) and for dinner, my waiter (my very cute waiter) hooked me up with the last special of the day: A STUFFED AVOCADO. oh yeah, i very nearly died and went to vegan heaven. it was SO delicious and served with a side salad. for dessert (because of course i had some) i had the mocha “cheesecake” al a mode with caramel sauce. which my very cute waiter did not charge me for! (the caramel sauce, i mean) pretty sure he thought the girl sitting at table ten was easy on the eyes 🙂

anywho, before cafe gratitude i took a trip to the back doctor. and never got to see her. first they were running late. and didn’t call me. then the doctor had an emergency to tend to. so after an hour of sitting in the waiting room, i bounced, kind of frustrated and annoyed. but something about cafe gratitude grounds me again. it makes me realize life is life and i should not get worked up over things out of my control. so yes, i wasted gas, energy and time going into the city (and missed the opportunity to SKYDIVE with some coworkers of mine) but i did get to spend some time with my dad. and i did get to eat an amazing dinner. and i did have an amazing ride home.

i took the backroads to avoid the moooondo backup on the freeway. no one has to tell me twice northern california is the most beautiful place and that i am lucky as hell to be breathing, to be alive, to be healthy. to be present.

i’m happy to be here and i’m happy to be happy. finally. i am choosing happiness and it feels good. this weekend looks like a great one, too. shortly after posting this i am heading out again towards san francisco for the power to the peaceful music festival! there’s music, yoga, organic food…and it’s a free event! well, it’s a donation style event. i’m so excited! i’ve never been but i think today will be a calming sort of day. don’t worry, i wouldn’t forget my camera like i usually do 😉

and tomorrow i plan on going to the farmer’s market in my home town. i need delicious fruits and veggies because my fridge is looking a little sad at the moment.

but for now, i am just grateful for what i have: a healthy state of mind and enough. of everything.

what are you grateful for? any exciting weekend plans!?!



i swear, i do!

somewhere between a 37 hour work week and a 20 unit course load i lost track of my blog. sorry, i might be a sporadic-post type of semester! something tells me no one really minds though 🙂

so last week kicked my butt! but alls well and alls good because i made 75 bucks in tips for the week and i’m pretty sure i have a fat pay check headed my way. score one!

because of all the hectic business, i really have nothing noteworthy to write to you all about. school is school. i’m in love with my writing classes (per usual) and the story i started just keeps gushing from my fingers. i am eating well, i am working out well, i am thinking well — i am well. i know i say it a lot and double back over the statement, but i honestly feel stronger and more sane each and every day. the more i balance, the less i feel the need to binge, to stress, to cry, to feel down, to over exert my body.

i will say, though, on saturday i had a near-nervous breakdown. at dinner. with my parents. know i have yet to share this whole disordered-eating-compulsive-exercising issue with my parents who, i’m sure, have a slight idea though not a very well rounded one. i mentioned my stomach hurt (which it did. and i credit this to drinking water during my meal. i’ve found drinking during eating upsets my stomach!) and this sent my mom into a “maybe it’s your diet. you’re very restrictive.” to which (okay, yes, i am but i’m getting so much better at this! and being vegan also cuts a lot out of my life, too.) i said “yes, but it’s also all inclusive of a lot of other foods (you have no idea about)” which only set her off.

soo…i started to cry. i politely asked her if we could not talk about it at that moment but she kept pushing it. so i said, teary eyed and embarrassed, “can we please not talk about this right now? please?” until she finally stopped. i lost my appetite. my stomach hurt for the rest of the night. and i barely talked for the rest of the meal. it was miserable.

not miserable? this progress. this feeling of unshakeable capability. i feel so together in this moment. whenever i feel the need to weigh myself or whenever i feel a negative emotion creeping up on me, i tackle my irrational mind with my rational mind and remind myself my weight is not important. it does not define who i am. believe it or not, this makes a whole world of difference.

and yoga…well, yoga is my life saver. i return to my mat over and over again in times of stress and doubt. yesterday, after a long day at school and work, i returned home and hopped on my mat for a 90 minute home bikram session. it. rocked. i left my mat feeling strong and happy. i miss bikram at my studio but i have no time to commit to something as expensive as it is. for now, i’ll be sticking to my home yoga sessions until i graduate this fall (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !)

well, that’s it for me right now. i’ve got class in forty and i’ve gotta jet. cause iiii’m walkin’! have a good one. i promise more interesting posts in the future 🙂

namaste 🙂


ah, what a day.

it started off early, around 7:30. i woke up prepped for the day, ate a smoothie breakfast with a baby slice of manna carrot raisin bread (which, by the way, is seriously delicious) and bounded off towards school. overhead the sun already ignited the sky and dang, i could tell the heat wave was about to crash down. but i didn’t care. in fact, i didn’t care about much. i felt good today. solid. why?

because i went to my first counseling session! i mentioned before (did i?) i tried the counseling thing my sophomore year of college (over a year ago. wow!) but lacked commitment. i cancelled several appointments and after a while, the counseling service offered on my campus (for free!) informed me they stopped scheduling me. it was fine by me at the time.

flash forward a little over a year and a half and i’m back. and completely committed. i am so willing to move past this period in my life. i am so willing to start dealing appropriately. i am so willing to be honest and to change and to start finally on the (hopefully not endless) road to permanent positivity. it felt amazing to speak to someone who i know will help me manage my disordered eating, my anxiety, my inability to love myself. and it felt amazing to know just how much i want this. i know a counselor will not solve all my problems. i know half the battle rests on me. but i also know i am prepared to start rebuilding my mind body connection. i am prepared to unearth my real self. and damn, am i excited.

following the (emotional and very teary) session, i headed to my into to novel writing class. the other day our teacher asked each of us to share our idea for our novel. outside of one other person, i stood alone in not knowing what the hell i was planning to write. my teacher said “write about your obsession. write about the background noise that’s always on.” i reacted a bit sensitively to this, obviously, but you know what? that background noise formed the platform of my story. it came about unexpectedly. i tried to focus on another topic, to write another story, but this story so clearly wanted to be written i found myself unable to ignore it. so i’ve started a story. just now. and the release feels like no other. nothing like putting emotions on the page.

i was present for the rest of the day. i stayed at in the moment as possible. i turned in my graduation papers. i sat through another (amazing) short story fiction class. i got serenaded by a kid on campus pushing his rap CD. i walked through the late-afternoon heat from school to home (i love walking to school :)). i went through a (sweaty) balance flow.

oh, and i made this:

zucchini & yellow squash noodles covered in a cheesy avocado sauce and topped with, of course, nandos hot sauce!

lately avocados have appeared in several eats. i love, love, love avocados but avoided them, for the most part, because of their fat. the “fat” part scared me. the irrational part of my mind told me avocados made me gain weight. and i most certainly could not eat them. but, lately, i’ve been fighting back. and so my beloved avocado has appeared in a few dishes…

like taco salad!

refried beans, kale, raw crackers, and avocado topped with nandos hot sauce!

and this spectacular breakfast!

scrambled tofu with a side of sauteed onion, kale, and tomato topped with a serving of avocado and (is this too repetitive?) nandos hot sauce!

i feel better each day. if i fall into a funk i try my best to shake it off. like the other day at work, for example, i started the day on the wrong foot. i weighed myself (always a bad idea. sometimes it proves too tempting…) and went to work groggy and in a sour mood. for the first few (hectic) hours i got down on myself. i felt like everyone was annoyed with me. i felt incapable. i almost cried a few times. then, on my break, i went in the back and did some yoga. i went through some sun salutations and a few balance poses right there in the back room in my work clothes because damn it, i was not going to be a sad sack all day. in twenty minutes i felt stretched out, full of new energy, and, wouldn’t you know it, totally happy. that happiness followed me around the rest of the day.

it feels good to feel good, kidlettes.

keep on keepin on. as for me, it’s hot as balls outside right now and i would certainly not mind a little late evening stroll.