August 30, 2010 lose control
really, i hate facebook. i feel like a creep sometimes when i mindlessly click from page to page with no real reason. i keep it around to keep in touch with friends from high school. yesterday, however, it proved to be something more useful than a platform for stalkers.
last night, as i scrolled through the forever ongoing list of useless (and terribly addicting) information, i happened upon the status of a girl i know. i am pretty good friends with her ex-roommate and know from my friend how conscious this girl was about her body, her eats, her workouts. i know she too struggles with body acceptance. so when i (quite randomly) read her status (i usually scroll without reading fully), i felt a big old realization bubble up with inside. i felt kind of awed and totally dumbstruck. the statement seemed so simply yet, for me, completely complex. right, you want to know what it said…
“Your body should be your Passion not your Obsession”
dang. i mean, really. how fitting is that? i smiled at the (awesome) absurdity of it all. and the ridiculous coincidence (on a side note, that’s the first time i’ve ever written coincidence without having to backspace and spellcheck. what whaaat!). for the first time, i seriously considered a facebook status. (never thought i’d say that one).
my body should be my passion, not the obsession i’ve made it.
i should be passionate about eating healthfully. not obsessive.
i should be passionate about exercise. not obsessive.
i should be passionate about my body and how it works, looks, and feels. NOT obsessive.
it may seem like a “duh” kind of statement to you, but to me it really altered the perspective i hold regarding my body and my health. i need to take pride in this body of mine and truly acknowledge how far i’ve come. there is no need to feel shame. i need to recognize all the wonderful things my body does and apologize to it for all the awful things i put it through. mostly though, i realized i need to lose control.
up until recently i never considered myself a controlling person. once i surveyed my behavior towards my lifestyle, i recognized the incredible denial i held. i am the most controlling i have ever been in terms of my food and exercise. i mean, come on — i stole the scale back from candace who hid it from me (it’s hiding in my closet now. wow zoe.)? i force myself to eat certain foods at meal times not because i want them but because they are healthy? i work out to combat the anxiety i feel when i don’t sweat? where is the balance in all of that?
so i proposed a way to lose control. because fuck, i need it. although i am a cold turkey kind of person (that’s how i handled cutting coffee out of my life!) i feel like i simply cannot apply the same staunch will power to this situation. i need to take it one step at a time or i will overwhelm myself. i’ve already cut running out of my life (though, no lies here, i did run at the gym the other day. for TWO miles only and at a very enjoyable pace. i stopped when i wanted and you know, it felt okay), i’ve relaxed some of my food “rules” (god that sounds awful), and i’m actually very happy to report i haven’t weighed myself in two days. add this all to the fact that i find myself thinking about food less and less and you’ll find a pretty happy zoe sitting over here on the northern california coast. it feels good to be alive today.
and it felt food yesterday, too. because i devised a plan. i have sundays off at work because of family dinners. i smudged the truth a little and said the dinners happened every sunday when, in fact, they do not. but i need at least a day off a week to do homework and chill out before rearing up for monday again.
so, on these free sundays, i asked candace to do me a favor. i asked her to peruse my cookbooks and pick out a recipe for me to cook for dinner. easy right? well, hard for me. see, i have no control over what she picks. and i have to eat it. and she, being the best friend she is, wholeheartedly agreed. last night, we made minestrone soup from scratch. gotta say, it turned out terrifically. it felt wonderful to actually be in the kitchen again. it felt wonderful knowing i was creating a hearty soup full of whole foods. it felt wonderful to eat it and stop when i was full.
i look forward to all these changes. i look forward to a more positive future. i look forward to my first counseling session on thursday morning. and i look forward to shredding with jillian in a couple of minutes before biking off to school.
it’s been a great day (despite work from 4 am to 12:30) and i only think it will keep getting better. have a great day, too, kidlettes.