August 22, 2010 forgetting to breathe
it’s been…well, it’s been a week i can tell you that.
i am not a ball of positivity while i type away over here. let me explain.
my week shifted from one extreme to the other. allow me to sum it up like this: good day. bad day. better day. horrid, terrible, no good day. slightly better day.
candace got home on friday. friday happened to be on the better spectrum of the week. we talked a bit about the summer and my personal struggles. she patiently listened like the best best friend in the world. and i guess the intense emotions stuck with me through the night and into the early morning.
because yesterday dragged on. and on. and on. it felt like it never ended and it started at seven in the morning (the universe only knows why). the minute i opened my eyes i knew it was going to be one of those days. i felt negativity soak into my bones and burrow deep. i tried to wrestle it out on my mat for an hour. no good. i ate a good breakfast and took a twenty minute walk in an attempt to exercise the funk out. it refused to budge. i even forced myself to smile. the feel-good vibes never came.
i tried. i tried so hard to feel happy, excited and ready for the day. but my disposition matched the grey bleakness lurking out my window. the sun woke up late yesterday. it popped through the clouds around noon — a few hours too late. candace left for the day with her girlfriend. i did not want to wallow in my living room all day in front of the computer screen so i visited a friend in the city. i put on a cute outfit and pretty make-up to feel nice. i never felt nice. i felt anxious. i felt emotional. i felt heavy. i felt childish, irritable, frustrated and all the negative words those words associate with. on the car ride over to my home away from home, tears did not stop leaking from my eyes. i felt like a zombie. all i wanted to do was curl up into a ball under the covers and do nothing.
i enjoyed seeing my friend but still found escaping the oppressive unhappiness in my chest impossible. i left only after a few hours. a friend threw a party yesterday for his birthday. i baked him a cake. however, i messed up the decorating and proceeded to feel like a failure. so when i left for the party, i left cakeless. yup. i know. no part of my weepy, wallowing self wanted to socialize last night. i ended up in bed before eleven. i found talking hard.
i know i need to relax. i know i need to acknowledge i am not perfect. i know i need to acknowledge a lot. and i am. but i am just realizing too many things at once. i do not want to discuss it all — i’m not there yet. i know i am an honesty fan but some things need to be worked out first. as a bit of a clue in, know the majority of this…shit stems from my food and body issues. don’t worry: i won’t mention it again. i know no one wants to hear it anymore so. just providing some of a base for you regarding my state of being currently.
all this unhappiness is taking its toll. i am making myself physically sick. i ache. the stress in my shoulders is ridiculous. my skin looks awful. i cannot sleep. i cry at the drop of a hat. binges have occurred. i am uninterested in seeing friends or family (family dinner tonight was miserable. i left early). i am so uninterested in the thought of school starting wednesday. or work tomorrow morning (5:45 am). the thing i am excited for?
committing to a weekly counseling session the minute i step on campus. and the promise of a new week.
i am forgetting the simple things in life. i am forgetting to choose happiness. i am forgetting to breathe. i am forgetting to let it be.
the next few days anticipate light words on the blogfront. i need to step back for a second and sort a few things out. i have to crawl out of this hole i dug. until then…bear with me. i’m working on recovering that whole positivity thing — i just misplaced it is all.