July 20, 2010 antics, appreciation, announcements, and alliteration.
good very early morning kidlettes. hope you’re all sleeping soundly.
i’ve got some things on my mind.
i just returned home from a friend’s going away party. twas quite blah. but i got to bike home which was relaxing (i love the stillness of night. i usually work out better when i am in a quiet environment!) AND my friend victoria is back in town! it was great to see her; she’s been in France and away for about a month.
and while talking to victoria at the party, i inadvertently stumbled upon a revelation. one of those revelations you knew all along but did not have enough courage to speak aloud. regardless, i found myself saying the words aloud easily and without hesitation: “yeah, i think running and i are on a little break right now.” the statement sounded real and truthful. it felt real and truthful. my chest felt lighter; hearts always speak the truth.
something in my body loved that pronouncement, hugged it with all its being. i finally admitted to myself the very fact i’ve been dodging for two months, about when it crept out from the shadows of my mind: i cannot find anything remotely attractive about running right now save for the fact that it burns a ton of calories. and i don’t want to look at exercising as solely a form of burning a ton of calories. i want to view exercise as a means to keep my mind and body healthy. i want to use exercise to keep me happy, not unhappy and miserably chugging through sixty minutes of torture. i am afraid my outlook on exercise has shifted negatively some how. what started out healthy enough has turned into a semi-compulsive need to torch calories in order to stay slim.
i finish my runs of late with only one thought: well, at least i burned a lot of calories! …nuh-uh. way too negative and unhealthy of a thought. it makes me uncomfortable to admit this and it makes me upset to seriously acknowledge it but i know when i have an issue. and i most definitely have an issue with running. my last few runs felt stiff, tight, and unbearable. and since i’m learning to wholly appreciate this body of mine, i am listening to it’s current disagreement with running. i know ignoring the compulsive itch to run will be very difficult, as on days when i do not run, i do not feel like i “deserve” to eat a healthy amount of food. i restrict on these days and feel my food anxieties more deeply. i am not anorexic, but i certainly do not eat as much as i should.
while i will start repressing my anxious body’s need to run, i will start to adhere to my healthy body’s daily demand for yoga. i already have. yoga, unlike running, leaves me feeling strong and connected to my body. yoga calms me. yoga soothes me, body, mind, and soul. i leave my mat centered, happy, and confident. and i break a good sweat.
i appreciate this body. the other day, ilana asked us to share with her what we loved about our bodies. immediately, i wrote how i love my curves, which i do. i also wrote how i loved the fact my abs are finally starting to show definition, which i also love. but after i wrote this i reread my comment and realized everything i wrote centered on appearance. it revealed to me how conscious i actually am about the outside of my body. i appreciate it when it looks good, and loathe it when it looks “bad”. on these unfortunate days i forget what my body does for me. i am still missing the bridge between appreciating the body for all it can do and how it looks. to begin truly, honestly loving this body, i need to start rebuilding that bridge, because i burned it a long time ago.
so that’s it. running and i are on a break. will i cave and pull a crazy rendezvous with running? it’s quite possible. i ran the other day when i said i wouldn’t because i felt panicky about not working out “hardcore”. and yeah, it sucked. i may use the parent’s treadmill for intervals because i found i really enjoyed those but the open road and the soles of my running soles will not be speaking for a cool minute.
and you know, regina spektor did say it best: i have a perfect body, but sometimes i forget.
treat yourself with kindness. you deserve it.