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zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

gaah david bowie warms my heart.

what a day what a day.

good news: the MRI of my knee revealed NOTHING BAD. doc told me i could run as much as i want, as hard as i want and no damage will be done. score one! after lunch i received a knock-knock on my front door. upon answering, one of my really good friends stood before me! we went on a solid 45 minute bike ride in the sunshine. score two! i did a new baptise power yoga flow today. score three! and i whipped up healthy eats all day. score four!

until, well, about half an hour ago. am i bummed i binged again? yes. am i beating myself up for it? not really. want to know why?

i am currently reading skinny bitch. not for diet reasons, not because i want to go vegan (check and check), but because i wanted to see what all the hype was about! reviews on several blogs discuss the gruesome detail the authors include in their book. while i absolutely loathe the title, i am finding the book inspiring as well as informative. no wonder i feel better without dairy in my life. since cracking these pages i have yet to crave any form of animal product (how nose-in-air-hoity-toity does that sound?).

how does this relate to me not feeling badly about bingeing again? (well, don’t get me wrong, i do feel badly. not so much guilty, just…disappointed. i am disappointed i disrespected my body again. new way of handling these compulsive needs to eateateat? telling myself how much i am eating. i.e: you just ate a cup of flour. you just ate half a cup of chocolate chips (assuming i’m baking here). putting the portions in perspective usually helps!)

because i just read this:

it is well known in alcoholics anonymous that you’re only “one drink away from your next drunk.” this means we think we can control our addictions. “i’ll just have one drink. i’ll just have pizza this one time. i’ll just eat half a piece of cake.” the truth of the matter is that we are powerless over our addictions…it is very easy to obliterate all your progress with one bite, sip, or puff.

and this:

heroin, cocaine, alcohol and nicotine all trigger the brain’s pleasure circuitry. and not surprisingly, chocolate, sugar, and cheese also affect this same part of the brain. so you see, we can be physiologically addicted to food.

and this:

when we eat, all of our body’s energy goes toward digesting, using, and storying the food and eliminating the waste. when we don’t eat, all of our body’s energy goes toward digesting, using, and storing the food, and eliminating the waste. when we don’t eat, all of our body’s energy goes toward cleaning house…after two to three days of fasting, the body goes into autolysis, and actually starts digesting its own cells. with its wisdom, the body selectively decomposes the tissues and cells that are diseased, damaged, old dead or in excess (fat).

why paragraph one matters:
it IS very easy to obliterate all your progress with one bit, sip, or puff. i have come so far. so, so, so far. i put so much effort into rebuilding my body and my diet. yet, recently, i have allowed my vices to return stronger than ever. although i bake up brownies with intentions of “just eating one chunk” i loose all control and down the entire pan. i cannot control my addiction.

why paragraph two matters:
what is my addiction? plain and simple. sugar and chocolate. i am a sweets whore. and i always have been. i love food, all kinds. but i especially love sweets. i have a raging sweet tooth that refuses to be ignored. i know it is possible to tame — i did it last summer and basically for the past year with a few mishaps. i am physiologically addicted to sugar (although i do not consume refined sugar any more and have not for a while now. in this way i KNOW it is possible to overcome addictions. i used to love a lot of foods i can not imagine eating now. animal products anyone?).

why paragraph three matters:
i finally figured out what happened to my stomach last summer. that paragraph references a part of skinny bitch where the authors go into detail about fasting. now, i did not fast last summer, far from it. but i ate significantly less. i did not eat late at night and when i did eat, i ate enough to fill me up and stopped. mostly though, i did not eat sugar and chocolate like i did back in the states. when i eased up on the bad shit, my body hugged me from the inside out. no wonder my skin cleared up. no wonder i felt happy all the time. no wonder my stomach disappered.

so what does this all really mean?

i’m giving up my addiction for thirty days. i will not bake a single thing. i will not eat anything chocolate-y. i will ignore my body’s demand for my food drugs.

i am going to jump start the thirty days by eating only raw foods for one week. i know my body reacts well to raw foods — quite by accident i ate raw for a few days this past semester. mood? up. energy? up. weight? down. stomach? flat.

i know what i have to do. i know this will be difficult. but i also know i will benefit from it immensely, both physically and mentally. my body will fight me with intense cravings but i know i am stronger than those cravings. i am stronger than i think. i am starting next monday.

before i do that though, i’d like to share with you a recipe i just made. for awesomely fudge-y brownies. (adapted from the lovely mama pea!)

what you’ll need:
1/2 cup millet flour (i usually bake gluten free things. i find my body reacts well to gluten free food. i am in no way allergic and totally still eat gluten-y foods from time to time, but my stomach is always less…ahem, gassy when i eat gluten free!)
1/4 cup brown rice flour
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1.5 t baking powder
1 t baking soda
1/4 t salt
half a t xanthan gum (fasho found this at target for like…11 dollars! cheapest yet. so i splurged :))
1 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix!)
1/4 cup blackstrap molasses (molasses is full of iron! and feel free to use regular molasses too. i just have blackstrap on hand!)
1 T agave
2 T vanilla
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips (make sure they’re vegan! unless you’re not vegan ;))

what you’ll need to do:
preheat the oven to 350

mix all dry ingredients. mix all wet ingredients (in another bowl!). add wet to dry. it will be kind of doughy. add chocolate chips then spread out into a (small) pan. i used my hands to press out the batter since it was pretty thick. pop into oven and cook for about 20 minutes.

these turned out really well. i’ve been experimenting with molasses as a sweetener lately (i do not cook with refined sugars. unless i am cooking for someone else :)) and YUM. it adds a mild sweetness. these are certainly not ridiculously sweet brownies. the chocolate chips add the best subtle sweetness and the pumpkin provides a dense, fudge-y consistency. seriously, these are really good. i will be sad to give them up! but such in life. i will survive.

hope everything is well where you are kidlettes. i have some exciting news to share with you tomorrow, so keep your eyes peeled 🙂

namaste.

zoe.

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