June 23, 2010 i think i can i think i can i think…damn it.
i originally wanted this post to be about a different topic but i feel the need to vent so indulge me here. i’m sorry, as i know this is getting repetitive…
so last night i ate one too many carob chips. oh well. i shrugged it off. no big deal. i did run 10 miles yesterday, after all. and i ate well enough for the day.
this morning i woke up totally and completely determined to make it a healthy, happy day. i ate breakfast. i ate lunch. AND i ate dinner. three balanced meals all about 2-3.5 hours apart. one snack was consumed after my yoga workout. i felt calm and balanced.
then, after dinner happened. i convinced myself it was okay to have a serving of (vegan) ice cream. one serving turned into i don’t even want to know how many. ditto with the carob chips. and ditto with the dark chocolate almond spread. now i feel sick. and i’m actually embarrassed to be typing this right now. and i feel like crying. did i not just make a deal with myself two days ago to not do this again? two days ago was a bad, bad night folks. ugh.
i know this is bad.
i know this is unhealthy.
i know this is will make me gain weight.
i know this will sink me into a depression.
i know this is how not to treat your body.
i know all of this and repeat it to myself while in the throes of a binge yet, i don’t stop. i don’t drop the fork or spoon or close the fridge or pantry. the worst part? i have no idea why or when this started. but once i get going, i GO. and i never look back until i feel either a) disgustingly ill or b) a nasty compulsive need to exercise. or both a AND b. i usually do not realize what i am doing until i hit the bottom of the carton, or the bottom of the jar, or the bottom of the bag. or i realized and just excused it. how i can do that still astounds me.
i feel like such a hypocrite. how can i possibly tote around the title of “healthy” when i am currently living so unhealthfully? i feel ridiculous. i feel crazy. i feel lost and scared and confused. (though i am pretty happy today, oddly enough…) i am so envious of my friends who can eat food and simply enjoy it and stop when they’re full and not think about the next meal in the middle of the meal they’re eating.
i have not told nobody in the “real” world about this. i’ve only just told myself. i cannot bring myself to admit this to a friend, no matter how close they are to me. admitting this to my mom (because, at least for me, talking to mom is always comforting)…god the thought of it brings me to tears. i don’t want to admit to her how my horrible my relationship with food has become, especially when i am her beacon of health and inspiration for healthy living. but this is becoming increasingly hard to deal with. the binges are becoming more frequent and more difficult to control or stop.
i never intended to end up here. i never thought i would. i never thought i would disrespect my body so much as i am right now. and none of this makes me feel good. i never feel okay after i do this: emotionally AND physically (literally). my poor body has no idea how to handle this. phfft, my poor brain has no idea how to handle this. what happened to make my relationship with food so negative? i used to be just like my friends — nonchalant and at peace with food.
i think step one will be to not buy any of the items which cause my “downfalls” to occur. if i want ice cream, i’ll go out and get a scoop, not a pint (although i have no idea where i might find one-scoop vegan ice cream…). if i want chocolate, i’ll buy a square down at the local market. but i am no longer buying sweets until i know how to deal with this issue properly.
my second step? whenever i feel a binge coming on, i think i will stop what i am doing and meditate. i’ll go inward for how ever long it takes to gather enough strength to not cave into my negativity.
a third step. i’ll write. stream-of-consciousness writing has always helped me when dealing with negative or strong emotions.
and a forth step: i’ll brush my teeth and pop in my retainer! i know it sounds dumb
(and who the hell at age 20 still wears their retainer?) but this has worked really well in the past whenever i felt the urge to snack for no reason.
the one positive thing out of all of this (if that’s even possible)? i’m looking in the mirror and still liking what i am seeing. sure, i’m a bit curvier than usual but…oddly enough, i’m finding that i like these curves. i like how womanly my body looks. i don’t look like anyone else i know and that’s a good thing. although i had a few negative thoughts today, i didn’t drown in them — not even after my bingeing episode. so the road to positive thinking regarding my appearance still on track. i know the second i cut all the junk from my diet my body will balance out and my weight will go back to normal (not that it’s crazy out of control now. just a little extra puff).
so it’s just a matter of determination. i just need to remind myself overeating is just a means of mistreating the body. i’m staying positive over here in a completely negative situation. or at least trying really, really, REALLY hard to. i know i can do this. and i cannot wait till school starts because with it starts the beginning of counseling sessions.
thanks for reading, everyone.