June 18, 2010 late night thoughts
it’s nearing 12:30 (pm) here on the west coast and i’m currently watching 10 things i hate about you (heath ledger is currently doing his stadium serenade. my heart just sighed.) on the couch. by myself. again. (uh oh…complainypants much? bear with me here, i promise this isn’t a pity party.)
how did i get here? i’ll back peddle.
the day started like any other. up at 9:30. snacked a piece of fruit. drank a glass of water. worked out. which no part of me felt like doing today. but i pushed myself through it because i told myself it would make me feel better. i guess it did…for a second. it was kind of a wimpy work out, too, which made me feel like i wasted energy instead of created energy.
so i tried to perk myself up by enjoy the sunshine. i walked to the market a little over a mile away. i bought bread. i read middlesex on the walk over. it was nice. but i still felt off.
i even bought myself a delicious coconut water to rehydrate (it seems i cannot chug enough water these days. yesterday and today i’ve felt dehydrated no matter the amount of liquid i take in :/!) but still. the funk persisted.
but i went and got my hair cut for the first time in, oh…six, seven months? goodbye split ends. hello evened out color! the cut boosted my mood again. and again, i found it only temporary. i even took the back roads home and stopped at whole foods for a hot bar dinner! but somehow the funk refused to leave me alone.
when i got home i hung out with a friend of mine. it was really fun! then i came home a little bit hungry. and ate one too many bowls of cereal.
it doesn’t help that my face is exploding. i’ve never suffered from bad acne. in high school it was really minimal. but my good luck changed when i got to college. my breakouts started to get worse. in terms of skin, i went backwards. usually (at least in the case of just about all of my friends) once we outgrow our high school hormones, high school breakouts tend to be less frequent. my skin apparently likes to rebel. i would like to show you my new hair cut and color but i currently have four ridiculously unattractive pimples. two might be cysts. seriously, whenever i loose my balance, my body goes NUTS.
and lately i’ve felt really, really out of balance.
after indulging in cereal, i went to a friend’s birthday party. i walked in and recognized one person. i found people i knew as i walked further into the party but wow, can we talk about immediate anxiety? my chest tightened up. i don’t know where this came from. i’ve never been this nervous and shy and apprehensive around people. but it’s getting worse. i feel like i am starting to make up excuses so i don’t have to go out. in fact, i’m pretty sure i am. not a good sign. at all.
what did i do at the party? wedged myself into a circle of friends and talked a little. then the circle slowly uncircled itself and i was the only one still just…standing. i felt tense and uncomfortable. i was there for less then twenty minutes before i had to leave. twenty minutes? yeah, it depressed me too.
i got home. and what did i do despite wanting to just sleep?
i worked out.
yeah, i lifted weights. i did ab work. for about twenty minutes. when i stopped i thought about what the eff motivated me work out. i ate a lot earlier. i’m sure that helped. i got incredibly down at the party. combine this with food guilt and you have one nasty concoction for an unbalanced zoe. so what did i do? i worked out. because i know it’s something i’m good at and something that can make me happy. i feel like when i binge, that’s the attitude i have too. i realized i have a really negative relationship with food and with exercise. it scares me to admit that but it is. some days i love working out. however i think the number of those days is starting to shirk and the number of days where i just want to curl up in a ball and burn my running shoes has increased. and i know there is a reason driving my binges. something is going on internally.
i want to know where this person came from and how i let her overtake me. and i think the direction of this blog just took a new turn…i have an issue and i intend to deal with it. i want to be healthy again. i want to be happy again. when i think of the person i was a year ago, all i see is an incredibly happy individual. somewhere in the duration of the past eleven months, i’ve lost that happiness. it’s still here, but it comes in moments so fleeting that it just bums me out more. now starts my quest to find it again, to rediscover my spark. i’m going to share bits and pieces of the journey on here because getting it out really helps. i’m still going to talk about everything else i talk about but i think once a week, maybe on sundays, i might reflect on this journey and my progress. i guess this serves as a heads up!
i will say, on a much brighter, and much more positive note, that yesterday went really well. me and one of my best friends watched the giants WIN against baltimore. i drank a beer. i enjoyed the sunshine. i enjoyed the awesome seats.
i enjoyed watching tim lincecum. i felt good. not great, but better then the day before.
and did you catch that i FINALLY bought bread today? oh do i have a special breakfast planned. also — i think the reason i binge on carby foods late at night is because i don’t eat enough of them during the day. that and i also think i’m STILL not eating enough for my muscle mass. i’ve been doing pretty well but the heat kills my appetite during the day so my body goes into hunger mode at night. any suggestions? i hate forcing myself to eat when i’m not hungry but by the time i am all i want to do is EAT EAT EAT. everything.
bleh. thanks for reading out there. i feel like such a whiner…there are far more important things to worry about then food and body image. it feels like such a waste of mental energy. and i have a such a blessed life yet here i am, complaining about something so superficial. the ridiculousness of it almost pains me…
hope you all slept well!!!!!