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zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

Monthly Archives: June 2010

i learned a lot this past weekend.

i learned midnight runs with your brother who also cannot sleep are the best bonding experiences you’ll ever have.

i learned i love my family so, so, so much.

i learned i love my high school and grade school friends more than ever because, no matter how long we go without seeing or talking, whenever we get back together it’s like no time has ever passed.

i learned it’s okay to stop running if your knee hurts.

i learned i’m not as awkward as i think and i need to cut myself some effin’ slack.

i learned writing “you are beautiful. respect yourself.” on my bathroom mirror, hallway mirror, and refrigerator not only makes me do it, but makes me see and acknowledge my beauty, inner and out. (yeah, even my “girl.”)

i learned i can make a killer italian rum cake (or so i was told. completely unvegan!)

i learned to appreciate every moment because time moves way too quickly.

i learned buying tickets to fly to san diego last minute is expensive. oops!

and with that, i’m off! i’m flying down to san diego tomorrow to spend five glorious days with my best friend in the entire world, the beach, the san diego sunshine, and good vibes.

be back saturday. have a great week everyone!

the title of this post has nothing to do with anything. well, it has a lot to do with a lot of things just nothing to do with this post. but this post is about to be rambling, so prepare yourselves.

derek is the title of an animal collective song. i’m obsessed with it. it makes me happy and sad. it makes me laugh and smile and dance. did i mention i’m obsessed with it?

anyway, why mention it?

well, i just finished a killer work out. i did gina’s run it off HILT-type treadmill work out. i am home for the weekend (friend’s in town! throwing my aunt a retirement party!) and decided to put the treadmill to good use. this work out was EXACTLY what i needed. oh maaan. it was challenging and refreshing. i feel awesome at the moment. so where does derek fit in? well, although gina’s version of the work out calls for 7 minutes of running at 6.0 mph at a 2.5 incline, i decided to run about nine minutes at 7.0 mph at a 1.0 incline. the last minute i sprinted at 8.5 mph. TO DEREK!!! positive way to end a workout. seriously if you do not know who animal collective is, please please PLEASE look them up. they’re music is beautiful and amazing. it might not sound like it at first but REALLY listen deeply and you’ll see how sounds you never thought would go together DO and do so gorgeously. they make my heart happy. no matter the occasion. (i also recommend the purple bottle. i ran to this today as well. heart swelled with happiness immediately).

following the 35 sweaty minutes on the treadmill i did ten minutes of core work with one of my favorite work out videos ever. i bought it at the beginning sophomore year of college and it helped tone me up some. however, i never committed to it enough to see real results. as you know, i was all out of whack sophomore year.

but today i rediscovered the brilliance that is: KATHY SMITH. don’t know kathy? well, she’s awesome. a little nutty, but awesome. she’s been around the fitness scene for a looong time, too. and she still looks killer! i love her work outs because she combines strength training and with so many yoga moves. it’s obvious she does yoga. she’s super positive, super motivating, and i’m totally going to incorporate this back into my weekly workouts. she’s banging — AND she’s had like, three kids? whatever, lady’s an inpiration! the video i have is called build muscle shrink fat. shitty name but hey, advertising is around for a reason, right folks? i only did the core section today but i think i will do all of tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚

today while running i realized something ABOUT running. i am absolutely in love with it. i love the challenge, i love the movement. and i understood why i fell out of love with it a few months ago: i was treating running as a means to burn calories. i pushed myself just to push myself. i ran just about every day. talk about burn out. i now only run about 4 times a week instead of 6-7. i’m happier. and my runs have improved tenfold because of it. exercise should never be torturous. ever.

and this morning was amazing too! i took a tip from this hottie and bulked up my oatmeal. i usually only eat 1/3 a cup but this morning i made 1/2 cup. i’m not sure who determined we should all eat only 1/3 cup of oatmeal (that’s basically all i ever see on food blogs. i’m sure it’s because all the toppings make up for the lost calories?) but i cannot survive off of oatmeal toppings alone. sheesh. i love oatmeal. i need to make 1/2 a cup more often because holy cow — i’m still barely hungry over here! thank you ilana for making me see my body’s needs are so not any other body’s needs :)!

it’s going to be a good day: i’m looking out my window at our apricot tree and the million apricots on it. sigh. i love summer.

have a good one, kidlettes!



i originally wanted this post to be about a different topic but i feel the need to vent so indulge me here. i’m sorry, as i know this is getting repetitive…

so last night i ate one too many carob chips. oh well. i shrugged it off. no big deal. i did run 10 miles yesterday, after all. and i ate well enough for the day.

this morning i woke up totally and completely determined to make it a healthy, happy day. i ate breakfast. i ate lunch. AND i ate dinner. three balanced meals all about 2-3.5 hours apart. one snack was consumed after my yoga workout. i felt calm and balanced.

then, after dinner happened. i convinced myself it was okay to have a serving of (vegan) ice cream. one serving turned into i don’t even want to know how many. ditto with the carob chips. and ditto with the dark chocolate almond spread. now i feel sick. and i’m actually embarrassed to be typing this right now. and i feel like crying. did i not just make a deal with myself two days ago to not do this again? two days ago was a bad, bad night folks. ugh.

i know this is bad.
i know this is unhealthy.
i know this is will make me gain weight.
i know this will sink me into a depression.
i know this is how not to treat your body.

i know all of this and repeat it to myself while in the throes of a binge yet, i don’t stop. i don’t drop the fork or spoon or close the fridge or pantry. the worst part? i have no idea why or when this started. but once i get going, i GO. and i never look back until i feel either a) disgustingly ill or b) a nasty compulsive need to exercise. or both a AND b. i usually do not realize what i am doing until i hit the bottom of the carton, or the bottom of the jar, or the bottom of the bag. or i realized and just excused it. how i can do that still astounds me.

i feel like such a hypocrite. how can i possibly tote around the title of “healthy” when i am currently living so unhealthfully? i feel ridiculous. i feel crazy. i feel lost and scared and confused. (though i am pretty happy today, oddly enough…) i am so envious of my friends who can eat food and simply enjoy it and stop when they’re full and not think about the next meal in the middle of the meal they’re eating.

i have not told nobody in the “real” world about this. i’ve only just told myself. i cannot bring myself to admit this to a friend, no matter how close they are to me. admitting this to my mom (because, at least for me, talking to mom is always comforting)…god the thought of it brings me to tears. i don’t want to admit to her how my horrible my relationship with food has become, especially when i am her beacon of health and inspiration for healthy living. but this is becoming increasingly hard to deal with. the binges are becoming more frequent and more difficult to control or stop.

i never intended to end up here. i never thought i would. i never thought i would disrespect my body so much as i am right now. and none of this makes me feel good. i never feel okay after i do this: emotionally AND physically (literally). my poor body has no idea how to handle this. phfft, my poor brain has no idea how to handle this. what happened to make my relationship with food so negative? i used to be just like my friends — nonchalant and at peace with food.

i think step one will be to not buy any of the items which cause my “downfalls” to occur. if i want ice cream, i’ll go out and get a scoop, not a pint (although i have no idea where i might find one-scoop vegan ice cream…). if i want chocolate, i’ll buy a square down at the local market. but i am no longer buying sweets until i know how to deal with this issue properly.

my second step? whenever i feel a binge coming on, i think i will stop what i am doing and meditate. i’ll go inward for how ever long it takes to gather enough strength to not cave into my negativity.

a third step. i’ll write. stream-of-consciousness writing has always helped me when dealing with negative or strong emotions.

and a forth step: i’ll brush my teeth and pop in my retainer! i know it sounds dumb (and who the hell at age 20 still wears their retainer?) but this has worked really well in the past whenever i felt the urge to snack for no reason.

the one positive thing out of all of this (if that’s even possible)? i’m looking in the mirror and still liking what i am seeing. sure, i’m a bit curvier than usual but…oddly enough, i’m finding that i like these curves. i like how womanly my body looks. i don’t look like anyone else i know and that’s a good thing. although i had a few negative thoughts today, i didn’t drown in them — not even after my bingeing episode. so the road to positive thinking regarding my appearance still on track. i know the second i cut all the junk from my diet my body will balance out and my weight will go back to normal (not that it’s crazy out of control now. just a little extra puff).

so it’s just a matter of determination. i just need to remind myself overeating is just a means of mistreating the body. i’m staying positive over here in a completely negative situation. or at least trying really, really, REALLY hard to. i know i can do this. and i cannot wait till school starts because with it starts the beginning of counseling sessions.

thanks for reading, everyone.



good evening!

so i for sure did not lounge around like i planned to! my friend called me shortly after and convinced me to hang out. it did not take much convincing ๐Ÿ™‚ fun.

following hanging out came dinner. and what a dinner it was! guess what i had?

PASTA!!!! a serving and a half of it (i think)! for the first time in a good four or five months. it was super tasty. i originally wanted to buy vegan mozzorella and bake it in a ramekin buuuut i did not want to drag myself to the store. so i just used a bunch of nutritional yeast. no complaining ๐Ÿ™‚ i made a super quick, super simple pasta sauce. canned diced tomatoes. seasonings and spices were added. simmered for tenish minutes. done. plated and served with a size of roasted cauliflower and brussel sprouts.

i managed to honor my cravings and my hunger today! i might have a little banana soft serve soon, too…

after all, i did run ten miles today ๐Ÿ™‚ my legs, by the way, are tired. early night tonight? most likely.

anyway, the REAL point of this post regards my very recent decision to become vegan and the subsequent reactions i have received from family and close friends. now, my parents half expected it and just shrugged when i told them. let let me live my life in the way i want to live it (as long as i’m healthy and happy that is!). they just don’t see why, but they don’t care. my brother was like…um, okay? and i’m playing video games? my friend from birth kind of freaked out. she was like…oh, you have to be really careful. because you could get really sick. you’re not going to get a lot of things. you could get, really, really sick. to which i replied, well, i’m not going into this blindly. i’ve read a lot. i’ve studied up. i kind of know what i am doing. to which she said: remember when fiona (another friend) went vegan? yeah, she got anemic. and her mom cooked for her. she got really sick. i reassured her, again, that i knew what i was doing, that i am not fiona, and yes, it’s possible for certain bodies to not function properly on certain diets.


i find myself frustrated (another friend gave me a good ten minute interrogation as to why i am now vegan) but at the same time, i understand where all these questions and concerns are coming from. i used to be the person asking those question and spouting those concerns. i did NOT understand veganism. i thought vegans ate a weird diet and an untasty one at that. oh boy, did i ever prove myself wrong! i love vegan food. i love how creative it is. i love how it tastes. i love how healthy (for the most part) it is. sure, it is definitely not for everyone, but it is for me.

but why do i suddenly find myself backed into a corner, gloves up, defending my position? do i question why my friends eat meat? no. i lived their perspective for nineteen years of my life. so i know why. and now i see my food in a different perspective. my tastes are evolving but are doing so solo — no one else i know is making this transition.

so, i get it. i get the weird stares and the raised eyebrows and the “what? why” ‘s. we live in a society where the majority of meals center on animal products. beef. chicken. fish. dairy. most of the population cannot process a meal sans meat. salads, sure, but every meal? it sounds like scary territory. and you know what? it was to me, too! but i cast off my assumptions and discovered how very, very wrong i was. vegans did eat! and a LOT!

so do i find it disrespectful when friends tease me? sometimes. i find it more annoying than anything. a few friends are curious and ask legitimate questions but i am so sick of the “YOU’RE GOING TO DIE” reactions and the other forms of discouraging speeches i hear.

i guess when you go vegan, you learn how to develop a thick skin.

so while i understand people’s concerns and people’s preconceived notions, i do not understand the judgement. how can my choice possibly affect your life? if it makes me happy and if it makes me feel healthy then please, refrain from the negative onslaught of questions.

bleh. fellow vegans, how do you deal? do you take the rude route or do you just smile, nod, and walk away? do you feel like we should defend our way of life? do you feel like we should have to defend our habits period?



good afternoon kidlettes ๐Ÿ™‚

before i get to the topic i want to discuss today, let me start by saying this:

I RAN MY FIRST EVER DOUBLE DIGIT RUN TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! afjdslkfjkldnfoiefhklsdfdanfdjshfljrklesj!!!!!!! yeah. that’s how i express my excitement.

i woke up determined this morning. after a ridiculously fun night (went to my friend’s party. enjoyed the company. stepped out of my comfort zone. talked. smiled. laughed. flirted. felt great. it was awesome. AND my boys and i went intoxicated night biking :)!) i wanted to keep my good mood alive. i prepped for the run by eating a bowl of puffins with half a nanner. i also ate two slices of orange, a small small date, and a baby scoop of pb. i waited over an hour to run.

how did it go? AMAZINGLY. seriously. i ran just under 10.5 miles WITHOUT STOPPING. i found a groove and just rocked it. what kept me going? a lot of things! YOU GUYS, for one. my mantra for the entire time?

if caitlin can do it, i can do it! if angela can do it, i can do it! if jackie can do it, i can do it! if evan can do it, i can do it! if ashley can do it, i can do it! if kath can do it, i can do it! if emily can do it, i can do it! if jenna can do it, I CAN DO IT!

and you know what?

I DID IT!!!!!

(none of those people know me or read my blog (save for jackie!!!!!!!!!!!! :)! but they’re a total inspiration to me. seriously.)

never ever EVER in a million years did i think i would EVER be running 10.5 miles. for FUN. i enjoyed just about every minute of it. my knees started to hurt around mile 7 (i think? i have no mile tracking device i can take with me on my runs.) and the last .5 miles i had to run REALLY slowly because i felt sick (dehydration.)

what did i learn?

i need a camelback. or SOMETHING. because DAMN, i dreamed about water the entire run. i’m a salty sweater too. the second i came home i poured myself a HUGE glass of water, squeezed half a lemon into it, popped a few ice cubes into it, and CHUGGED LIKE CRAZY. then i did it again ๐Ÿ™‚ and am doing it again as we speak!

what else did i learn? i can run to music with slower beats. literally, i was so unconscious of my body during the run (save for my knees (which eventually felt better) and the end of the run where i felt like puking) and just enjoyed what i was listening to. and the environment! i combined two of my favorite routes to form one big one. it was so pretty! it’s beautiful out today. not too hot with a slight breeze…peeerfect ๐Ÿ™‚

did i learn anything else? oh you BET. i need knee braces!!! my IT bands were aching. i need some form of support. my poor knees cannot take much more. so so sooo many years of sprinting and running in soccer has angered them, i’m thinking.

it took me 101.9 minutes to run! what’s that, like an hour and forty-ish minutes? i’m too lazy to calculate it and i SUCK at math (i have a math learning disability. numbers freak me out.) i knew i needed some great grooves to power me through my run. SO. i created a new playlist, aptly titled doubtdigitsss. what’s on it you ask? some old favorites and some new players!

oh! — boys noize (usually i run to the remix. this one is KILLER! i always forget!)
combat baby — metric
derek — animal collective (…i. love. this. song. !)
like a drug — kylie minogue (super underrated singer. she’s badass!)
just a girl — no doubt
dammit — blink-182 (i’m a HUGE blink fan!!!)
reckless abandon — blink-182 (see :)?)
around the world (la la la la la) — ATC (ahaha remember this one?)
wow — kylice minogue
put your hands up — benny benassi (this was awesome. so glad i added it!)
walking on air — kerli (THIS was awesome!!!! everyone should have this song period.)
walk away — kelly clarkson (i love kelly. i am so not ashamed to admit this.)
rocket in the sky — benny benassi
sweetness — jimmy eat world
fasten your seatbelts — pendulum (i’ve run to this before but for some reason, today i was not feelin it!)
get me bodied — beyonce (not a fan usually but this song is such a pump up!)
track 1 — A.R. Rahma (sorry guys, no idea what this is called. it’s the opening song for inside man though, if you’ve ever seen it. it’s indian. and amazing. the beats? incredible.)
speakerphone — kylie minogue
the middle — jimmy eat world
deny selected — boys noize
we will rock you — queen (a-duh!)
london beckoned songs about money….–panic! at the disco (confession: i saw them in concert in high school. 2nd confession: i loved it. 3rd confession: i still love them. shhhh…)
don’t leave me — blink-182
e-pro — beck (yeeeees! beck rocks)
anthem, pt 2 — blink-182
when the sun goes down — arctic monkeys (i love these guys. i saw them in concert too. it was so badass i can’t even explaaaain!)
kill the lights — b. spears
circus — b. speaaaars
come fly away — benny benassi (this is the last song i listened to)
i don’t give a… — peaches
disturbia — rihanna
dumpweed — blink-182
dancing shoes — arctic monkeys
get fly — atmosphere (this is the closest i usually get to rap/hip hop. atmosphere is a beautiful lyricist. i love words and his are ridiculously powerful. he’s got soul, kids.)
a-punk — vampire weekend
stronger — kanye west (confession: i’ve seen this fool in concert too. the tickets were free so i’m not too ashamed. cause he’s an ass to the nth degree)
another one bites the dust — queen
the purple bottle — animal collective
a certain romance — arctic monkey’s
the things you say — cicada
S.O.S — rihanna
immigrant song — led zeppelin (i’m a classic rock and roll baby. for sure.)
complicated — avril lavigne (yeah. so i’m an old avril fan. wanna fight??? ;))
summertime clothes — animal collective

whew! long list! i always make crazy long lists. i know i’ll never listen to them all but sometimes i just don’t feel a song and having options is always great, right?

anywho. i came home ready to eat my arm off. i dreamed about this sandwich the entire run. food is a great motivation ๐Ÿ™‚

tempeh-salad sandwich!

i love tempeh. loveloveLOVE. and this rocked! i just crumbled the last of my tempeh (no, i’m not crying. i just have something in my eye…!) and mixed it with a scoop of vegenaise, some dijon mustard, and lemon juice. topped it with some lettuce and cucumber slices. this HIT THE SPOT. i also ate two HUGE carrots and some hummus.

oh yes, i also made this little thing the other day. i attempted to veganize julie’s cauliflower pizza crust but failed. so i turned it into this!

yummy rice-i-fied cauliflower (which i added spices and seasonings to) topped with tempeh i sauteed in a homemade bbq sauce. i sprinkled nutritional yeast on top. and ate it off of cucumber slices like this!

sigh. it was so good. i want to relive this. right meow.

but i’m not! instead i’m going to lay out on the couch and rest my legs! and read. and finally get around to watching capitalism: a love story. should be interesting, i’m thinking. always enjoy michael moore’s movies. though i ALWAYS take them with a grain of salt ๐Ÿ˜‰

be on the look out for a post later tonight. i have things to discuss with all of yous!

until then…



gooooooood evening kidlettes! how’s your summer solstice treating you today?

mine has been spectacular! good weather, good people, good eats, good vibes. i’m happy today…great step forward on my path to happiness, wholeness, and positivity. today i focused on feeling light and laughing and smiling. which i did plenty of. i barley thought of my body and even went swimming without thinking twice about what i might look like in my bathing suit. pretty sure i looked like a hottie anyway ๐Ÿ˜‰

and, to top it all off, one of my closest friends surprised me today! he’s been gone for a good three weeks now and i haven’t heard from him or seen him or anything. i had no idea he was back in town and he just walked into my apartment while i was preparing dinner. what a great surprise! i basically tackled him :)!

currently just finished dinner, about to flip through my copy vegan planet (which came in the mail today!!!!!) and then i will be showering and getting ready to go out tonight. a friend of mine is having a first day of summer party. plus, it’s the solstice. i’ve gotta go out ๐Ÿ™‚

OH! AND i got a job interview! for starbucks! i know it’s not amazing and i don’t even drink coffee or anything from starbucks but a job’s a job and i need one right now! plus, it will be infinitely better than my last one. that and a friend of mine works at the one i have an interview at :)! double bonus!

i took the day off of formal exercise because i just did not feel like running. i might do some yoga later tonight because stretching sounds goooood. or i might run! because a run sounds good now too. haha, go figure! i did get in about 2.5ish miles of walking and another 2.5ish miles of biking today. (we walked to the pool and back and i biked to my friend’s house and back).

siiiigh. i love me some summer. AND SURPRISES!

what are you doing/what did you do on your solstice!



(i keep forgetting to talk about the things i want to talk about! tomorrow i will post a topic i’ve been meaning to discuss! sorry guys, today has just be too good not to share. the power of positive thoughts…man, it’s awesome!)

is a warm guuuuun!

good early, early morning kidlettes. it’s 12:51 am here on the california coast. seriously guys, i’m quite the night owl. i love staying up late…despite waking up at oh, nine every morning. it’s okay, i don’t mind ๐Ÿ™‚

anywho, hope everyone’s father’s day went well! mine was splendid! i spent the night at home on saturday so i could wake up and be with my family already — and more importantly, my dad!

honestly, i’m not sure where i’d be without my dad. he’s been such a solid in my life. he’s been supportive in everything i’ve ever done and taught me so, so much. i’m for sure a daddy’s girl ๐Ÿ™‚ fooor sure. check out what i found…

this was the first day of first grade! i used to have BLONDE hair when i was a kid. like, SUUUUPER blonde. and i also had a birthmark in between my eyebrows! never got teased though!

and this gem:

oooh yeah, totes rockin’ the mid-90’s velvet dress and baaangs! dig iiiit.

anyway, point is: HAPPY FATHER’S DAD! my family and i went out for brunch (where, unfortunately, there was basically no vegan options soo i had a decidedly UNvegan day…i ordered an omlette. oops! i just was so not in the mood for granola and fruit…) and then my dad and i saw toy story 3. GUYS. GO SEE THIS! it was seriously amazing. i laughed the entire time. super cute. can you believe the first toy story came out when i was seven? this series has spanned basically my entire life…7-20! crazy!

after returning home my dad and i cooked up some dinner. my parents had steak and i had grilled portobello, tofu, a roasted red pepper, and roasted broccoli. happy tummyyyyy. and we had ice cream sundaes. i got dairy-free local vanilla. i ate too much. BUT I’M OKAY WITH IT. i am.

i came home and, as is my (BAD) habit, examined myself in my full length mirror. my “girl” (aka: my stomach pooch) was there but i just shrugged and said: meh, i’m still bangin’ ๐Ÿ˜‰

short story: i developed early. liiiike…in the third grade. it was embarrassing, as i was the only one of my friends to have boobs. then came the hips. and the bigger boobs. aaaand then bigger boobs. my genetics have gifted me with quite the womanly body. i’ve always been borderline ashamed of my body and have hid it in every way possible. when you develop early and no one else does, it’s AWKWARD. it made me feel weird and uncomfortable. and revealing clothing never appealed to me because i never wanted to reveal my curves. i felt like it was all anyone noticed and i didn’t want to be noticed. and because of my early development and subsequent embarrassment over it, i’ve never put myself out there. instead i stuck to the sidelines and watched my friends shine and flirt with the boys i only wished i could flirt with so easily. but today, i liked the curves i saw. i’m getting better at this whole confidence thing and this whole being comfortable in my own skin thing. i’m getting better at seeing that hey, people actually DO find me attractive. the only person who finds me “ugly” is me. it’s high time i start seeing what other people have seen all along. fake it till you make it, right? and i know some days i will eat too much and get a little down but i’m truly realizing that it’s OKAY.

i’m realizing i need to eat more.
i’m realizing i need to eat more often.
i’m realizing i need to just eat what i want.
i’m realizing i need to stop worry about calories.
i’m realizing i need to be just be happy.

most of all, i realized the key to happiness. the other day, jackie wrote a post about “the four agreements.” i highly recommend reading her post! it was very insightful. anyway, the four agreements is something my roommate and i talk about frequently. after reading jackie’s post, it got me thinking: happiness can only be achieved by you. it cannot be reached through the external. when internal peace is achieved, happiness — real happiness — will be found. at least, that’s what i’m starting to think! i’m going to start focusing on the important things, which will NOT involve my appearance. there are so many more important things to spend my energy on. i feel like the moment i stop obsessing about my body, it will change.

i think the reason my stomach disappeared last summer was because i was, truly, happy. i never thought about it. so it just…vanished. the power of thought astounds me. think negatively and your body and mind will be negative. think positively and, well, you get the idea ๐Ÿ˜‰

so i’m going to start to strive for that internal happiness. i’m going to start to search for that lightness. i’m going to start to forget myself and just be. i’m serious this time.

what do you do to stay happy when negativity crowds in?

anyway, as it’s 1:23 (123!!!! anyone else love when the time is in numerical order? no? i’m the only dork? ;)) and i guess i should go to sleep (though i’m not tired in the slightest!). night kidlettes!

here’s to happy dreams!



hello kidlettes! how are all of you today? well, i hope!

whew. the past week has been…rough. emotionally. physically. spiritually. i’m out of whack, as you know, but i woke up this morning feeling more centered and more relaxed. THANK THE UNIVERSE because if i had to experience another day like yesterday, i might just implode.

what happened yesterday? well i broke down on my yoga mat and sobbed for a good twenty minutes. yes, sobbed. like a baby. i just lost it. it felt good to lose it, though. you know when you’re just so emotionally taxed and you cry and suddenly everything just feels…peaceful again? well that was yesterday. only the peace did not stay for so long. but i felt infinitely better after my pathetic water works explosion. AND the yoga felt amazing too.

i felt all weepy for the remainder of the day though and definitely teared up at stupid things. honestly? since starting this blog i’ve realized about once a month my mood swings and emotions go absolutely bat-shit insane for about a week. and i think the reason i feel so great today is because it has been exactly one week since i started to slip down my negative road. what can i credit this to? upon reflection, i noticed this trend started in middle school. i think i just have really intense PMS. i don’t get cramps. i don’t suffer from fatigue. but my body likes to plague me with horrid bouts of uncontrollable mood swings, breakouts, and bloating. oh, the pleasures of womanhood.

do any of you ladies out there have similar symptoms? HOW THE EFF DO YOU DEAL!?!?!

anyway, besides feeling like an emotional crazy lady, yesterday went well. my dad and brother are out of town at the pebble beach golf tournament (i know. i don’t get it either. golf is so effing boring!) so i accompanied my mom to dinner and a movie! seriously, i know i’ve mentioned it before but whenever i am down, going home really grounds me. although, i was in a bad mood yesterday and my patience wasn’t too great…

but dinner! dinner was great! we could not think of a damn place to eat at and we only had an hour before the movie started. we hemmed and hawed and argued over vegan food until i finally suggested we just go to the whole foods hot bar and salad bar. an immediate deal was reached. my mom got a burrito (i think this is new? i’ve never seen the option before!) and i put together a deliiiicious mini salad and did something i haven’t done in oh, over a year: i got a sandwich. ON A SOURDOUGH ROLL! that’s a big step, guys. really, really big. my mom i think has recognized some of my food anxieties and reassured me by saying: “it’s okay, you’ll live!” sometimes parents just really know what to say. i found it really comforting and you know what? i did live. and the sandwich kicked ass. (basil pesto, roasted red pepper, grilled portobello mushrooms, onions and lettuce!)

we ate in the parking lot of the movie theater and declared it the best idea ever. we saw winter’s bone. it was GREAT. the cinematography was stunning and the acting was fantastic and the writing…le sigh, i love writing as you know (creative writing majoooor! what whaaat!) and this writing was so, so beautiful. i recommend it!

so that was yesterday. and when i FINALLY uploaded my pictures, i noticed just how many eats i’ve been concealing from you guys!

remember that awesome breakfast i alluded to the other day? well this was it:

two slices of sprouted sourdough which i used to make french toast!!!!! it’s been YEARS since i last ate french toast. i topped one side with peanut butter and the other with dark chocolate almond spread (i know i said i was taking a break from chocolate but for some reason, i am not counting this :)) and half a nanner. then i put them together. things got messy. AND DELICIOUS!

will i remake this? uh…YES. i drizzled a little honey on it, too. i know honey is not vegan but i have a full bottle and bought it before my decision and you know what, (good) honey is expensive. i’m not going to waste food, either.

yesterday for lunch i ate this plate of awesome:

tofu i sauteed with salt, pepper, garlic powder, and a ridiculous amount of nutritional yeast. topped with 1/4 an avocado and daiya cheddar style cheese (if i could marry this, i might.). served with a side of nutritional yeast covered roasted brussel sprouts. yeah, so what? i really like nutritional yeast, okay ;)?

it was glorious. the other day, i made this after a good long run:

tofu scramble with 1/4th an avocado, salsa and daiya “cheese” all wrapped up in a toasted ezekiel wrap. toasting them, i think, is key. i like them as is but when they sit in the broiler for a second, the outside crisps up but the inside stays chewing and ahh it ends up being a really good combination of textures.

the other day i created this:

open faced tempeh almond butter & jam sandwich. the “bread” was april’s nearly no carb sandwich bread. they’re a little more like pancakes but incredibly tasty!!!

today i ate this after my 6.5 mile run:

i dreamed it up while running: half a cantaloupe stuffed with quinoa which i mixed with some greek yogurt, cinnamon and coconut flakes. YUM YUM YUM. protein and melon which i am craving like crazy lately (really though. i bought a mini watermelon, a honey dew, and two Tuscan cantaloupes yesterday. no, i am no obsessed. why do you ask? ;)) and i’m pretty sure i’m not going to miss greek yogurt. i was never a big fan of yogurt to begin with but eh. it’ll keep my wallet fatter, i think! this stuff can be pricey…

i also ate this with lunch too:

simply delicious ๐Ÿ™‚

ooh and guess what FINALLY came in the mail yesterday!?! my newest kitchen gadget!

i used it this morning to weigh out my oatmeal. turns out i’ve been over doing the 1/3 cup ๐Ÿ˜‰ i think i will definitely have to be careful how i use this, though. it might turn into a negative obsession. i will not weigh out all my foods. but i am curious to see just how many grams of x y and z vegetable i am consuming. or nut butters (because i think i FOR SURE eat more then a serving size at a time. oops!) i think i will primarily use this for baking! baking is really an exact science. so knowing the exact amount of baking powder and flour and chocolate (one day!) will be beneficial.

this is a ridiculously long post. i’m sorry! just a few more random thoughts…

did anyone catch the US vs slovenia game? if you didn’t, i seriously encourage you to watch it!!!!!!! unless you’re crazy and don’t like football (soccerrrr!). but we were robbed of a goal and should of won. seriously, i was screaming at my computer screen. i’m sure my neighbors thought i was nuts. and because of the call the ref might be barred from reffing any further world cup games. SERVES HIM RIGHT. it was an AWFUL call. everyone admitted it, too. did not matter what country you were sporting, a shitty call is always a shitty call.

also one more thought concerning my run this morning…i really pushed it today. i started out faster than normal and kept the pace as best i could for the duration of the run. i clocked in at 51:36. i ran my 10k in 57:15. i’ve shaved off a LOT of time!!!!!! i’m getting faster! i am thrilled ๐Ÿ™‚ just another reminder that i can do anything. and you know what? so can you!

and that’s all for now. i’m going to bikram later with some friends and am pretty stoked about it. i think today it will be especially centering and calming and restorative. until then i will be reading! two books i requested from the library came in yesterday along for the rid by sarah dessen (i’ve read all of her books. they’re so fluffy but i love them! i read 60 pages last night!) and michael pollan’s the omnivores dilemma. yay!

i might post later about one of the topics i’ve been meaning to talk about! stay tuned ๐Ÿ™‚



it’s nearing 12:30 (pm) here on the west coast and i’m currently watching 10 things i hate about you (heath ledger is currently doing his stadium serenade. my heart just sighed.) on the couch. by myself. again. (uh oh…complainypants much? bear with me here, i promise this isn’t a pity party.)

how did i get here? i’ll back peddle.

the day started like any other. up at 9:30. snacked a piece of fruit. drank a glass of water. worked out. which no part of me felt like doing today. but i pushed myself through it because i told myself it would make me feel better. i guess it did…for a second. it was kind of a wimpy work out, too, which made me feel like i wasted energy instead of created energy.

so i tried to perk myself up by enjoy the sunshine. i walked to the market a little over a mile away. i bought bread. i read middlesex on the walk over. it was nice. but i still felt off.

i even bought myself a delicious coconut water to rehydrate (it seems i cannot chug enough water these days. yesterday and today i’ve felt dehydrated no matter the amount of liquid i take in :/!) but still. the funk persisted.

but i went and got my hair cut for the first time in, oh…six, seven months? goodbye split ends. hello evened out color! the cut boosted my mood again. and again, i found it only temporary. i even took the back roads home and stopped at whole foods for a hot bar dinner! but somehow the funk refused to leave me alone.

when i got home i hung out with a friend of mine. it was really fun! then i came home a little bit hungry. and ate one too many bowls of cereal.

it doesn’t help that my face is exploding. i’ve never suffered from bad acne. in high school it was really minimal. but my good luck changed when i got to college. my breakouts started to get worse. in terms of skin, i went backwards. usually (at least in the case of just about all of my friends) once we outgrow our high school hormones, high school breakouts tend to be less frequent. my skin apparently likes to rebel. i would like to show you my new hair cut and color but i currently have four ridiculously unattractive pimples. two might be cysts. seriously, whenever i loose my balance, my body goes NUTS.

and lately i’ve felt really, really out of balance.

after indulging in cereal, i went to a friend’s birthday party. i walked in and recognized one person. i found people i knew as i walked further into the party but wow, can we talk about immediate anxiety? my chest tightened up. i don’t know where this came from. i’ve never been this nervous and shy and apprehensive around people. but it’s getting worse. i feel like i am starting to make up excuses so i don’t have to go out. in fact, i’m pretty sure i am. not a good sign. at all.

what did i do at the party? wedged myself into a circle of friends and talked a little. then the circle slowly uncircled itself and i was the only one still just…standing. i felt tense and uncomfortable. i was there for less then twenty minutes before i had to leave. twenty minutes? yeah, it depressed me too.

i got home. and what did i do despite wanting to just sleep?

i worked out.

yeah, i lifted weights. i did ab work. for about twenty minutes. when i stopped i thought about what the eff motivated me work out. i ate a lot earlier. i’m sure that helped. i got incredibly down at the party. combine this with food guilt and you have one nasty concoction for an unbalanced zoe. so what did i do? i worked out. because i know it’s something i’m good at and something that can make me happy. i feel like when i binge, that’s the attitude i have too. i realized i have a really negative relationship with food and with exercise. it scares me to admit that but it is. some days i love working out. however i think the number of those days is starting to shirk and the number of days where i just want to curl up in a ball and burn my running shoes has increased. and i know there is a reason driving my binges. something is going on internally.

i want to know where this person came from and how i let her overtake me. and i think the direction of this blog just took a new turn…i have an issue and i intend to deal with it. i want to be healthy again. i want to be happy again. when i think of the person i was a year ago, all i see is an incredibly happy individual. somewhere in the duration of the past eleven months, i’ve lost that happiness. it’s still here, but it comes in moments so fleeting that it just bums me out more. now starts my quest to find it again, to rediscover my spark. i’m going to share bits and pieces of the journey on here because getting it out really helps. i’m still going to talk about everything else i talk about but i think once a week, maybe on sundays, i might reflect on this journey and my progress. i guess this serves as a heads up!

i will say, on a much brighter, and much more positive note, that yesterday went really well. me and one of my best friends watched the giants WIN against baltimore. i drank a beer. i enjoyed the sunshine. i enjoyed the awesome seats. i enjoyed watching tim lincecum. i felt good. not great, but better then the day before.

and did you catch that i FINALLY bought bread today? oh do i have a special breakfast planned. also — i think the reason i binge on carby foods late at night is because i don’t eat enough of them during the day. that and i also think i’m STILL not eating enough for my muscle mass. i’ve been doing pretty well but the heat kills my appetite during the day so my body goes into hunger mode at night. any suggestions? i hate forcing myself to eat when i’m not hungry but by the time i am all i want to do is EAT EAT EAT. everything.

bleh. thanks for reading out there. i feel like such a whiner…there are far more important things to worry about then food and body image. it feels like such a waste of mental energy. and i have a such a blessed life yet here i am, complaining about something so superficial. the ridiculousness of it almost pains me…

hope you all slept well!!!!!



good, good morning kidlettes!

last night i found an interesting article. for the past three years i have religiously been reading the blog jezebel, a blog run by women. these women are smart. and funny. very poignant, too. last night, as i scrolled through their stories for the day, i stumbled across this one, titled “turns out, you have no idea what you really look like.” to which i was like, huh? excusame? yes i do!

the author, sadie, writes:

It’s not an Onion headline: not only do we have distorted views of said appendages, but beyond them, “women’s brains โ€˜massively distort’ their own body image, creating a shorter figure which can be two-thirds wider than in real life.”

and adds:

And what’s more, we – women, that is – also think the rest of our bodies are shorter and wider than they are, what the researchers call a “dramatic distortion” of our “position sense,” or the ability to gauge our bodies’ spatial relationships. As the piece points out, these findings could be useful to understanding – and therefore treating – eating disorders. And, hopefully, to contributing to realizing that these things shouldn’t be gauges of anything anyway, and so what?

Alas, this is not what readers seem to have come away with. The comments to the article are a veritable carnival of the sort of fruitless height-and-weight disclosures that serve to do nothing but drive home people’s obsession with measurements. Woman after woman takes the opportunity to share her weight and height, bemoan, compare, perpetuate the cycle. It’s disspiriting. And, comments one woman, seems to be, as the researchers suggest, a particularly feminine condition: “I think that some men have the opposite problem, the short, fat baldy ones often seem to think that they are Gerard Butler!” Gratuitous swipes at less Butler-like gents aside, it’s probably wise to remember that few of us can gauge correctly-in any sense.

to requote that woman, it is disspiriting. i know about body dysmorphia (and honestly think i suffer from it) but to think it might actually be a condition inherent in women? surely then, this massive war against our bodies and against self-love cannot possible be a random occurance. nearly every woman doubts her appearance and self worth at one time in her life. this leads me to wonder at what this speaks to of our society.

if it is indeed inherent in women, this is inherently bad. it upsets me yet at the same time, it makes complete sense. when you look at a friend who bemoans her appearance and you knit your eyebrows together in confusion at what she could possibly hate, it suddenly makes sense. how many times has someone complimented something about your appearance and you just smiled and shrugged it off, believing that person to be a complete liar? hell, how many times has someone complimented you period and you didn’t believe them? something’s up here folks, and i ain’t diggin’ the bad vibes.

we need to start viewing ourselves wholly. too frequently we zero in on our “flaws” and forget about how awesome and kickass we really are. we need to start seeing ourselves the way the rest of the world sees us. we need to start stepping in front of the mirror and see someone who is gorgeous. we need to start seeing someone who is smart. we need to start seeing someone worth loving, “flaws” and all.

what do you think? do you see this as an issue women in particular seem to face? do you face it? have you ever? what happened if you no longer do!?

whew. what a mouthful. sorry guys, i just really connected with that article. i struggle to accept the image in the mirror every day and always balk whenever someone compliments my appearance. (or otherwise!)

moving on!

so i have a little announcement: i’m going vegan! 100%!

i’m quite stoked. quite :)! i thought about it last night and kept thinking about it. it just makes sense to me. i rarely eat dairy as is and gave up all other animal products so. why not? i LOVE vegan already. i don’t think the transition will be a killer one ๐Ÿ˜‰

plus, i’m extra amped because i ordered two vegan cookbooks last night from amazon! while visiting my friend in oregon over spring break, i raided his massive book collection and found two vegan cookbooks. the first one he said he had yet to make something out of.

vegan planet, by robin robertson. sooo i definitely spent a good night with my face stuffed into this book. oooh man her recipes look BOMB.

next up, what my (vegan) friend calls his “bible”:

vegan with a vengeance by isa chandra moskowitz. yeah i looked through this one too. um. there is DEFINITELY a reason why he calls this his bible. it might become mine, too.

lastly i ordered this one fo’ supa cheap just to see what all the fuss was about. plus, i looked through it a it and it made me laugh so i thought, why not!?

skinny bitch, by rory freedman and kim barnouin.

i’m really really REALLY excited! i just have a random carton of eggs to finish and a thing of greek yoghurt to go through and i’m officially a vegaaaan. pumped :)!

my body really likes eating this way. i feel healthiest when i avoid animal products. this might not be the case for everyone. i want to stress this because i am not doing this for diet reasons. in fact, i plan on eating a TON ๐Ÿ™‚

anywho, i just got back from hot yoga. surprisingly today was really difficult. i had a tough time holding positions and i struggled emotionally. i think i was too aware of myself. does that ever happen to you?

luckily i made vegan banana soft serve overnight oats. that makes me a little happier. and i need to hurry up and eat and shower because i’ve got a fun day planned…GIANT’S GAME!!!!! my first of the summer!!!

GO GIANTS!! who do you root for :)?