May 7, 2010 bloggin’ it out!
all right. i’ve reached a conclusion: i want to talk about what the EFF has been bringing me down as of late. it’s not the entire reason why (though i suspect it’s nearly 90% of the reason why) i’ve been so down but it DEFINITELY plays a hand in how crappy i’ve been feeling for about three weeks. this week has been the worst. at least i think…
anyway. let me start with this: i have never in my life had a flat stomach (uh oh. i think i just heard everyone click the ‘exit’ button on their computers! sorry to bore you. but please hang on, i’m gonna need some advice i’m thinking…). i think genetically it’s damn near impossible for me. i’m 5′ 1″ (ALMOST two inches!) and have always been a curvy girl (i developed early. like. boobs in the fourth grade early. talk about embarrassing slash psychologically damning). i got me some hips and i sure got me some boobs. i’ve never been entirely uncomfortable with my body…save for my stomach. OH BOY. i have a pouch. it’s nearly all fixate on when i am getting dressed. when i am sitting in class. when i am relaxing at home. it never used to be this bad. why is it so bad now? glad you asked.
last summer i went away for five weeks to south africa. while there, i lost a significant amount of weight (jump started my healthy lifestyles! what whaaat!) and, to my delight (though this is a pretty tame word considering how EFFING HAPPY I WAS) my stomach fat DIMINISHED. sure i still had a bit of a pooch but that was just my ‘girl.’ my ‘girl’ will never completely go away. i know this. i accept this. but i loved how i looked. i loved how i felt. i was happy and positive and confident. my skin cleared up, my pants didn’t fit. i had FINALLY gotten the stomach i ALWAYS wanted.
fast forward to present day and while my stomach is not nearly as “flabby” as it was before i left for my trip just about a year go, it CERTAINLY is not what it looked like when i got home. i credit this to some late night snack attacks and my passion for baking (though, as of late has really been non existent. since like. january. maybe mid-february.) i am devastated. seriously. straight up. it sounds RIDICULOUS (and trust me, i KNOW it is. don’t need to tell me that one twice.) but it’s the cold, hard truth. it makes me depressed. on a damn near day to day basis. i just don’t understand where i went wrong in my weight loss goals. i eat healthfully (almost ridiculously so) and work out 5-6 times a week. i run. i spin. i do yoga. i strength train. i walk. point is: I MIX IT UP. i drink a lot of water. i avoid eating (for the part) after eight. i do everything you’re “supposed” to do and yet…I CAN’T MOVE PAST THIS EFFING PLATEAU.
i’ve tried food journals. HATE. i’ve tried counted calories. HATE EVEN MORE. i have an obsessive personality and i know that if i start counting calories, it will slip down the negative path REAL quick. so i avoid it for my personal health. it just doesn’t work for me.
i’ve also thought about all the reasons as to why i lost weight in south africa. we walked A LOT. like…A LOT A LOT. we ate at just about the same time every day. dinner was served early (which is great and something i adopted. i LOVE eating early.), around 5:30 and it was almost impossible to get food later on. funniest part of it all: i drank SO much. i rarely drink but the drinking age there is 18 and when you’re with a bunch of college kids, come ooon what do you think is gonna happen? i drank beer and wine aaaalmost every night. my body still stayed the way i wanted it to stay. and i was happy.
which brings me to this conclusion: i was so happy and free on that trip. i cannot put it into words, really. i left my heart in capetown, all right. i honestly believe my happiness contributed to my weight loss. i think my fixating so negatively on my stomach NOW only KEEPS it that way. does anyone have any insight into this? do positive mind frames actually CHANGE the shape of your body?
i am in need of some serious answers here. i am TIRED of being miserable. i am TIRED of this constant fixation/obsession. i am TIRED of not loving what i see. which is why i am reaching out, if only to the blogshpere. i am too uncomfortable to talk to anyone else about this right now, even my best friend. and to anyone reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH. just knowing that anyone is actually reading this makes me happy. i would REALLY appreciate some feedback, too, if at all possible.
…whew. glad that’s out. i feel a bit better. thanks for letting me get that one out. it’s been stewing inside for a while. now: ONTO MORE POSITIVE THINGS. liiiike DINNER AND MY 10K!
my 10k is tomorrow!!!!!! i picked up my number this afternoon. i am SOSOSOSO PUMPED UP! i have to wake up at 5:45 though. but it’s all worth it. i’m gonna make a killer play list 🙂
dinner of course needed to be carb-y. so i made: CAULIFLOWER “RICE” with ROASTED CARROTS (3 of em!) and ate the rest of my leftover ARUGALA PESTO POTATOOOOES! yum! i plan on eating some melon later and maybe a little something else. like an apple? dunno. any tips on what is good night-before-race-fuel?
for the rest of the night i plan on RELAXING. i did a 25 minute yoga for runners and some ab work earlier but nothing too strenuous. just a little movement. early to sleep tonight, too! THANK YOU AGAIN for reading, whoever you are 🙂