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zoe & the beatles

just a twenty-something vegan navigating healthy, positive living with a little help from her friends john, paul, ringo & george!

Monthly Archives: April 2010

i love love looove friday mornings! i (usually!) don’t work on fridays and i don’t have any classes on fridays so i LOVE fridays! especially friday mornings. they feel like saturday or sunday mornings. i get to wake up slow (though today not really. i forced myself to stay in bed, half assing sleep, till 9. my sleep has been really horrific lately. tossing and turning and waking up at 7. FOR NO REASON! body whyyyy!?!) and go on kick ass morning runs.

this morning i went on a solid nearly forty minute run. it is BEAUTIFUL today. i wish i brought my camera. it’s so damn clear — i saw mountains BEHIND mountains. sometimes it gets all kinds of icky on the skyline and smog builds up. but not today! the sun is shining and it felt badass to be outside. upon returning home i did a quick twenty minute yoga for runners which felt aaaaaahmazing! as of late i have been avoiding yoga. i know, why? maybe cause i went insane temporarily. i just wasn’t feeling it. but it felt so great today and reminded me why i love it so much.

yesterday i did something out of the ordinary…I DIDN’T WORK OUT. whaaaaaat?! i’m ridiculous this week. no, but really i took the day off because i decided to LISTEN TO MY BODY. i have a REALLY difficult time doing this. if i don’t work out i get anxious and picky about what i eat. but yesterday i forced myself to relax and throw out the window all my anxiety (okay, well most of it.). i didn’t even walk to school or walk anywhere for that matter (well…to classes from my car and back ;)). and you know what? I DIDN’T DIE. i need to remind myself of this. my body was aching for a break. my legs were tired. I was tired. and guess what? this morning i woke up rearin’ for a nice run. i felt rejuvenated and refreshed. obviously my body is telling me something — REST ONCE IN A WHILE YOU IDIOT!

anywho, so now it’s just about noon here in sunny, sunny northern california and i’m planning out the day. but first i devoured a bowl of vegan overnight oats! my bowl contained:
1/3 cup of oats
one T chia seeds
one T cacao powder
one cup almond milk
half a nanner

and i added these toppings this morning:
one T (ish) almond butter (yuuuum)
a sprinkle of unsweetened coconut
cinnamon & nutmeg

SO YUMMY! pre-toppings:

i know it looks kinda gnarly but trust me, shits bananas. here’s it with the toppings added:


ah, how i love thee, breakfast!

but anyway moving forwards. or backwards, really, to last night. lemme start by saying this: i am the lamest college student ever. i have never really enjoyed parties too much. i rarely drink cause i’m just not a big fan. and anyways, i find parties kind dumb cause everyone stands around in little groups with a drink in hand awkwardly chatting, waiting for people to get drunk so they can FINALLY TALK. LAME. SAUCE. i like kicking it with people i know and love, anyway.

in all honesty though, i get anxious at parties. i feel awkward and don’t really know what to say to people. i’m kinda shy. it kinda SUCKS. although i’ve broken out of my shell significantly in the past year, it’s still incredibly difficult for me to walk into a party where i don’t know too many people. i tend to cling to the friends i came in with instead of talking to people i don’t know. i try soo hard to be independent at parties but fail. all. the. time. bleh, shitty feeling.

so last night my friends and i went to a party. it started off all good. my two guy friends came over and shot gunned a beer in my name:

precious. (and you wonder why i don’t drink beer in college: keystone BLOWS.)

we hung out a bit more then headed over to the party down the street. i knew i was only going to know a couple of people. i IMMEDIATELY felt awkward when i walked in. i knew the friends i came with and three other people. i felt myself crawling into my shell. since i wasn’t drinking i didn’t know what to do with my hands. they moved from my pockets to my sweater pockets. i crossed my arms. i uncrossed my arms. i picked at my cuticles (ugly habit. especially when i am nervous). i stuttered. i was embarrassed. i could barely talk to my friends, even. i smiled too much. it hurt my face after a while. i started thinking i should of dressed up a little more. i felt totally exposed and tried to remain calm the entire time. FAAAIL.

i ended up leaving early. i was super tired but also just plain effing AWKWARD. i hate feeling so shy. it’s crippling. last night was BAD too. i’m usually not thaaat bad but something just wasn’t clicking for me. does anyone else experience these feelings at parties? if not, HOW THE EFF DO YOU DEAL?! it’s funny because i am a super outgoing person outside of parties. i don’t understand why my personality doesn’t translate well in a room crammed with people. isn’t this what college is about? meeting random ass people in random ass houses and just letting go?

someone please let me know: how do you NOT be awkward at parties? i’m all about pushing myself out of comfort zones (hello south africa!!) but can’t seem to do it in this area of my life. i’m just stuck being awwwkwaaarrrd!

i’m not going to dwell on it though. i’m going to enjoy this here sunshiiiine with my bestie and roomie candace and later meet up with my parents and some family friends for dinner. i could not be more excited for the day. i miss my parents a lot as of late and can’t WAIT to see them. HAVE A GREAT DAY, LOVELY BLOGGIES!


zoe! ❤

DINNER WAS SO GOOD. sosososooo good. i was dreaming about it all day today once i made up my mind that i was making… ANGELA’S IN A JIFFY SPELT BURGERS!!!! trust me kids, this one turned out heavenly. i left out of the red pepper because i didn’t have one 😦 ditto on the dill. but they still turned out SUPER TASTY. i placed two patties a top a bed of spinach/arugala which was lightly dressed in one T balsamic and one T olive oil. nomnomnomnomnoooom!

and i paired it with some wine!

i feel so adult ;)!

i have six left over patties. i have a good few days of yummy food ahead of me! this was the best way to end the day. it never rained again today! yaaay! the universe heard my complaints and lightened up a little 🙂

my doctor’s appointment went well! blood tests all came back okay. i am not anemic and my thyroid is in proper working order. oh, and my protein and calcium levels are totally fine. yaay for being healthy! after that appointment i popped into the gym for a sesh. i spent half an hour spinning. i originally planned on only doing 20 but i was in such a groove i added an extra ten minutes. usually that happens when i listen to dub step…yes, i luuurve me some electronic, especially while working out. dub-step is just a sub-genre in that genre of music. and it happens to work out PERFECTLY for biking. i absolutely love it. the beat keeps me pumped up and motivated. anyone else listen to dub-step while they work out? what do you listen to if you don’t!

after that awesome half hour i ran an easy three miles on the treadmill. yesterday i was on the ‘mill for an hour, running five miles and walking one mile for a total of six miles. so today i didn’t want a heavy run. yesterday kicked my buuuuuttt. i did a quick ten minutes of abs and then peaced the eff out.

class today ROCKED, actually, even though i was dreading it. we talked about marriage and sexuality and whether they were relavent topics in today’s world (we’re reading jude the obscure by thomas hardy. the entire book is basically a big eff you to the institution of marriage). interesting discussions all around. and on an ever BETTER note, the teacher for my class directly after my first class cancelled today’s class! so i got to come home early and relax a bit. the relaxing will continue in t minus two minutes as i have NO HOMEWORK! what whaaaaat!!!

have a good night kids 🙂



so all through april it only rained like…three times. so much for april showers bring may flowers, right? anyway, it fake-rained all day yesterday. meaning it drizzled an annoying mist every once in a while. the day ended on sunshine, too! so why, please, someone explain this to me, and i staring out the window at a full on RAIN SHOWER!?!? UGH. i dunno about you guys but i really really reaaaaaally hate being outside in the rain (unless properly prepared. for something like, i dunno, PUDDLE JUMPING?!?!). i hate being unnecessarily wet and i am always super unmotivated to do anything but curl up on the couch and watch a movie. or make soup. i guess april decided to dump all the rain it’s been harboring before may actually hits. what a jerk.

le sigh. i’m particularly annoyed because i wanted to walk to school today like i usually do on wednesdays! but now i can’t. i’m trying to save gas and the earth over here! come oooon april get with it please! i’m also a little grumpy this morning because i slept like shiiiiiit. no lie. i fell asleep around 11:30 after reading for a bit and woke up at 7. FOR NO REASON. my health center appointment isn’t till 10 (am) today so wtf body, what gives!? lately i haven’t been sleeping past 7 or 8 though. so it’s either my body clock or i really am turning into my mother (who has issues sleeping past the hours of 4, 5, and 6. yeah, just kill me now.) anyone else have these issues? how do you deal with it? any tricks for sleeping longer!?

but deep down i really am a morning person. i like having my day. so i dragged my ass outta bed at 7 and prepared my eats for the day. before i started on lunch/snacks (i’m stuck at school usually from about 11-5:50 on mondays and wednesdays!) i prepared some oatmeal! but all raw-like and such. IN A JAR!

it wasn’t too spectacular. i’m going to blame it on the fact that i RAN OUT OF BANANAS YESTERDAY! i forgot to get more. nanners make my world go round. i love them dearly. but i ate it all nonetheless. it was still tasty. especially when i hit the almond butter 😉

anyone else buy TJ’s (trader joes!!!!) almond butter? it’s the cheapest i’ve ever found (4.99!!!) and it’s pretty tasty! granted not as tasty as say…justin’s maple almond butter (le swoooooon!) but it definitely does the trick! i always buy unsalted things, too. i grew up without salt added to just about anything because my mom reacts to salt really badly and have thus developed an aversion to snack with added salt. it’s all i can taste and eck, it’s gnarly. plus, this kind i got was RAAAAW. double yum 🙂

lunch for the day includes the following:
left over quinoa mixed with veggies (brussel sprouts, onions, mushrooms & spinach to be exact!)
a faaaaatty spinach salad with a sprinkle of sesame seeds and a diced kiwi that’s been aching to be used in something (dressing is just olive oil & apple cider vinegar mixed together.)
and the rest of my luna nori crackers (SAD. DAY. these are addicting. i gotta go grocery shopping soon. totally not complaining 😉 btw, here is lydia’s organics website! seriously check it out. TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!)
so nothing too special today but still tasty!

oh and dinner last night was some more spinach/zucchini salad with a cashew dressing i wish i could of spent more time on but i had class (at five…) but ENDED EARLY anyway so i was bummed because i did, after all, have time to spend on that dressing. i’m not gonna share the recipe because it was too hastily put together. but here’s what the salad looked like. wish i could tell you what it tasted like: AWESOME.

and that’s all for now ladies and gents.

…but WTF someone tell me why am i looking outside to partially cloudy skies and A LITTLE BIT OF SUN!?! seriously. april, please make up your damn mind! oh well, at least it’s not raining anymore. think imma chance a walk to school anyway 🙂

have a good day everyone!



admission: i suck at making tofu to taste like more than squishy white bleh.
admission #2: NOT ANYMORE!

yeeees i’m so stoked! i made it my mission today, actually, to make a GOOD tofu dish for dinner. and my sesame encrusted tofu paste was born! yuummmmmm!

but first let me introduce you to my NEW BEST FRIEND:

i. am. IN LOVE!

it produced the bed for my tofu: ZUCCHINI NOODLES!!! the spiralizer stole my heart here:

aaaand here:

swooooon. fo reals. so i tossed the “noodles” and baby spinach with a splash of olive oil and fresh lemon juice. added a bit of salt and pepper.

for the awesome tofu i did the following:

preheat oven to 350 degrees!

2 T ground sesame seeds (i used a coffee grinder for this!)
1.5 – 2 T olive oil
1/4 t salt
1.5 t nutritional yeast
dash of garlic powder (or use fresh if you want! minced.)
dash or two of peprika
salt & pepper
squeeze of lemon

add everything together and blend till fully combined. chop tofu however you like! i do little triangles about half an inch thick. slather each little slab of tofu in the coating and let sit on a foil lined baking sheet for 20 minutes. then pop in the oven to bake for 20 minutes. take out, let em cool down and pop on top of you “noodles” and spinach. YUMYUMYUUM. it’s tangy and salty and sweet. definitely interesting. (i couldn’t fit two little slabs on the baking sheet to i tested another marinade on the side: 1 T balsamic, 1 t honey, dash of red pepper flakes. soaked for about an hour and a half. DELICIOUS.)

it looked pretty, too!

i have a happy tummy. oh and before i started cooking i snacked on three super tasty luna nori crackers. they’re RAW! and so much better than any cracker i’ve ever eaten. seriously. plus the company is stationed in my hometown! so it’s local, too :)!

and before i walked back to school earlier, i ate an apple and a spoonful of sunflower seed butter. i miiiiight be repeating that after i post this…;)

have a nice evening everyone 🙂



let me start with this: I AM SO SICK OF SCHOOL. all i want to do is read the books I want to read, not the ones forced on me (though in any other context i’m sure i’d love them). anyone else find books you are forced to read just that much more difficult to get through? maybe it’s just me…whatevs.

registered this morning! so far so good. got the two classes i needed: my theory class (titled as “the invention of modern childhood” hmmm should be interesting…) and my writing class, introduction to the NOVEL! i’m pumped uuup for my novel writing class. creative writing = one of my life lines. i’ve loved it since i was a kid and am super excited to GET A DEGREE IN IT. craziness.

but outside of that nothing interesting has gone on today. i skipped the gym because of my massive run yesterday. letting them legs rest up and such. also i got blood drawn today for testing (on a more personal note: haven’t gotten a visit from aunt flow in three months…the doctor thinks it’s just my training and change in diet! just testing to make sure everything is a-okay. will update about that in a day or two…) but i did walk to school this morning and back (roughly like…two miles?). just a little bit of activity never hurt anyone 🙂

this morning before i left for my doctor’s appointment i blended up a GREEN MONSTERRRRRRR! consisted of:
two handfuls of spinach
half a nanner
one cup almond milk
one T chia seeds
one T cacao powder
iceeeee (ice baby!)

it was tasty but i still felt a little queasy when i was done. my appetite has still not returned. i ate that around 9:00 this morning and it’s juuuust shy of 1:00 (pm) here and i’m STILL not hungry. this is really frustrating. i don’t know what’s up. but i do know i need to eat. but last time i forced myself to eat (yesterday after my run) i felt sick ALL. DAY. anyone else ever have this problem? it’s FRUSTRATING. especially because i keep dreaming up all this delicious concoctions in my head 😦 i just wanna cook. tummy please let me? PLEASE.

bleh. i’ve got class in an hour, too. not in the mood. being tested on jude the obscure which, if i put the effort into it, i think i would like. but i could NOT get into it. i tried and tried. sparknotes it was…i feel like such a cheat when i do that. i think it’s the sun. yes, i’m going to blame it on the sun. once it decides to be out permanently i seem to lose all motivation to completely ANYTHING school related. and i have a fatty final essay due soon…this should be interesting.

if i do end up with an appetite later, i’ll let you know. with pictures and stuuuuff. i gotta start doing that…sharing recipes is the best! anyway, for now enjoy the day!



gah it’s SO close to summer! we end in just over a MONTH. craziness. i register for classes tomorrow morning…what the eff when did this semester decide to end? i swear time is literally flying by…i want to slow it down, some! but then if i do, summer won’t come as quickly 😉

it already feels like summer anyway. the sunshine has been positively gloooorious this weekend. i spent just about all day outside. this morning i went on my long run for the week. it was a new route, too! but unfortunately i have no idea what the exact milage is. i don’t have one of those fancy milage-tracking watches. i can only wish! buuuut i’m gonna guess it was somewhere around 6.5 miles? i was gone for an hour and tenish minutes. funny part of this run? i got quicker and less fatigued at the end rather then the beginning. maybe cause i started off slower? eh, whatevs. the real best part of the run? INCLINES. my legs are feeling it. the incline varied the entire time so it kept the run interesting. and i added some new songs to the workout list. yuh, i dug it today.

i would love to show everyone what i run past but i hate bringing my camera on runs. picture this:

mixed with a little of this:

…plus some roadkill. but ANYWAY it’s really pretty out here in my neck of northern california. it’s out by napa valley if that gives anyone any more images.

before i ran i ate a slice of this awesome oat bread i am obsessed with. vegan and gluten free and locally baked! i topped it with almond butter and half a nanner. i wasn’t particularly hungry but i needed to eat before my run so there you have it. i came home expecting to be starving. but i had no appetite. literally. it SUCKED. especially because i wanted to attempt these pancakes i found on another blog. so i drank some water. stretched it out. showered. waited for my hunger to creep up. NEVER. DID. i ate anyway because i knew i needed to. i attempted the pancakes and kind of failed. they tasted okay but i replaced one ingredient with another and used too much. they were too soft and not particularly…cakey?

obviously i sign i should not of eaten. because shortly after eating i felt sick. and continued to for the rest of the day. appetite kind of returned just a little bit ago and i ate some roasted veggies and potatoes followed but an apple and some sunflower seed butter. tasted all kinds of good.

anywho the rest of the day has been pretty lax. candace and i went on a walk to a cafe after my run, just to enjoy the sunshine. we also visited costco so i could stalk up on apples and spinach. costco is overwhelming. especially on sundays when EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER roams through just for the free samples. dang, shits bananas. but now i’m rolling in apples and spinach. fo’ cheaaaap!

the rest of this night might be spent watching a movie. or just falling asleep early. quite sleepy. have a good one 🙂



hellooooo weekend! it started off AWESOMELY. i went to economy kitchen supply WAREHOUSE (meaning: IT WAS HUUUUGE!) and got some fun kitchen supplies! they were having a sale and my dad, aunt, grandma and i went a little kitchen crazy. goodbye federal tax returns! haha all worth it though. two 14″ saute pans, four ramekins, and…A SPIRALIZER! i see veggie pastas in my future 🙂 came home in a great mood and spent the afternoon with candace and our friend ashlei. we enjoyed the sunshine and two movies! i love you, man and religulous. both were really great. has anyone else seen them? i hadn’t seen either before.

started early today. at like…7:30 am. why might you ask was i up at such an early hour on saturday morning? i had to show up at SCHOOL to take the WEPT exam. for those of you unfamiliar with california’s public college system, let me explain: in order to graduate from college, everyone enrolled in a california state university needs to take and pass the WEPT, an english proficiency test. you basically prove you can write a solid essay. and all this time i thought i got into college because i could write an essay. silly me. and as an english major, i OBVIOUSLY don’t know how to write essays. phhfft. AND you have to pay thirty five dollars for it. ugh what a rip off. the prompt was DUMB, too. there were two to choose from and i chose the one in which you argue why imagination is better than knowledge in regards to your major. EASY. outta there in like…an hourish.

but i was in a funk. i ate too much last night (ugh) but REALLY tried to not get down on myself for it. i have not dwelled on it much, though the thought still lingers in the back of my mind like a toddler incessantly pulling at your pants leg while you pretend they’re not there. le sigh. i’m trying. really, i am. i took the day off from exercise though i walked to visit candace at work, a starbucks a mile down the road. including the walk back, i walked two miles plus a little more today. somewhere around three miles, i think. nice and easy walking. plus i helped my friend nate with his garden today! a little bit of activity there. it was SUCH a beautiful beautiful B-E-A-UTIFUL day today. sun is still shining. summer better hurry up and get here already…

unfortunately my appetite has not been around today. i am not sure why but i have only been legitimately hungry once. so i ate some leftoverrrrs and an apple. just ate a tasty dinner, too, though i was not dying of hunger. in consisted of leftover quinoa tossed with veggies AND a yummy raw, vegan salad (spinach, mushrooms, avocado) with a homemade dressing (i hate the bottled crap.) the dressing might be of interest to some of you. ever heard of…


i HATE mayo. always have. this stuff is DELECTABLE. and vegan! the ingredient list rocks too: canola oil, filtered water, brown rice syrup, apple cider vinegar, soy protein, sea salt, mustard flour and lemon juice concentrate. it’s SO. GOOD. seriously. it sounds weird but daaaamn, i love this stuff. you can use it in basically anything too. as a spread, in dressings, in BAKED GOODS (!), ect. here’s a list of 50 uses for it from a vegan foodblog i follow: it’s heart healthy, too! it comes in a couple of different varieties. buy it and i swear you’ll be happy!!!!

anyway my dressing included the following:
1 T vegenaise
1 T olive oil
a squirt of lemon juice

all types of heaven, really. it’s good creamy goodness. anyone love this product? i really want to try baking with it.

anyway, candace and i JUST started FRIDAY. i’ve never seen it. have you? what did you think?




ahh earth day! all state parks in california are free entry from today till sunday! so GO GO GO! enjoy those state parks 🙂 candace and i are definitely going to try to at some point this weekend (i’ve been using the word definitely WAY too much lately. i think it’s because i FINALLY learned how to spell it properly! haha. yeah, i’m not an english major or anything…) look up other freebees around you, too! our wal-greens is refilling ink cartridges for FREE today. YES PLEASE. i always run out of ink.

anyway i totally skipped class this morning…bad student day! it’s okay — i haven’t skipped it all semester and my friend told me i missed out on nothingggg. plus nothing was due 🙂 so i slept in a little, woke up slow and yoga-ed for about an hour. looovely stretching to balanced out yesterdays five miler. but now it’s time for work 😦 boo. just five hours till freedom! no work this weekend 🙂 HAPPY EARTH DAY! enjoy the sunshine! (that is, if it’s shining by you! if not, pretend it is and smile anyway :))



today has been an interesting day. though, not in a bad way at all. i woke up earlier than normal (i scheduled a health center appointment for 11:30 this morning — i’m usually at the gym then!) and walked to school. i planned out eeeeeverything for the day the night before. i’m SUCH an unorganized person so the change of pace was surprisingly kind of nice. i packed some overnight oats for breakfast (which consisted of 1/3 cup oats, 1/4 cup plain greek yogurt, 1/4 organic pumpkin, one T chia seeds, a half a cup water/almond milk mix (we were running LOW!), a splash of vanilla, and cinnamon and nutmeg! i topped it with a bit of sunflower seed butter and some flaked coconut. YUM.), my lunch (spinach salad with sprouts, cucumbers, and awesome spicy farmer’s market tofu. and a side of raw crackers with hummus!), and my gym bag. so all i did this morning was wake up, eat a little something before my work out, and rolled out the door. simple, yes?

and i forced myself into positivity today. i put on a great playlist for the walk to school and told myself something along the lines of this: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE STRONG. BE HAPPY. and you know what? it worked. i was in a good mood the rest of the day. i ran a great five miles at the gym and did a little strength training. my knee feel GREAT considering how it felt about a month ago. class was nice. light homework load. GREAT dinner (quinoa with some veggies!) and you know what, i think all this damn positive thinking kept me in check today. i am not going to be underfed or bloated with guilt — i am satisfied. today i stand on that comfy middle ground where everything looks great. i am happy.

i’m also quite happy because i found out some great news today: I CAN GRADUATE NEXT SEMESTER! this means that i finished college in THREE AND A HALF YEARS!!!! whaaaat?! get outta town, i know!!!! i have the option of cramming in my last five classes into next semester or spacing them out between next semester and next spring semester. i’m not sure what i want to do yet but i know that THIS IS NUTS regardless. AND, to top it all off, a teacher of mine this semester really wants me to TA a class he’s teaching next semester but the class he is teaching is at the exact same time as a theory class i am required to take. but because he really wants me to TA, he’s seeing if he can finagle a TA-theory combo type of class for me. meaning: i won’t have to take the “regular” theory class and it will be geared more towards something i am actually interested in. yeeees. hopefully it all works out!

not much else to report. quite a boring post if i do say so myself. but hey, who’s reading anyway ;)? night, blogging universe!



SIDE NOTE: CAN ANYONE HELP ME WITH OBTAINING A NEW HEADER, PLEASE? i have no programs to make fancy headings and my blog’s kinda…well…ugly! haha. i don’t know much about how to make it look all fancy and neat and stuuuuff. any suggestions? THANKS!

hello to no one in particular, considering i am still doubting anyone actually reads this. but anyway. moving on. today went well till about an hour ago. i woke up early, around 7:30, to get my daily work out in. i did a 30 minute yoga with weights. i moved up from three pound to five pound weights! tough stuff. then i went on an easy 2-2.5ish mile run. did some stretching, iced my knee (feels much better!) and shipped off to class. oh yes, a shower was thrown in there too 😉 AND vegan overnight oats! (the mix included: 1/3 cup oats, two T chia seeds, half a nanner, one cup almond milk, one heaping T cacao powder, and some iceeee. yummm! i stirred in some unsweetened coconut flakes and a bit of sunflower seed butter. double yummmm!)

no one was in class. can you say 4/20 holiday? fun fact: the 4/20 tradition started in my home town at a high school right down the street from my house. don’t believe me? look it up: san rafael (ca) high school, 4/20. swear it! they have a statue on their campus (a small one hidden away in some bushes.) but it went by fast. and i kept up my good mood all day. work went by quickly. i got off work early. met up with some friends. now i am currently watching life (anyone else hate the fact oprah nararrates this? DRIVES ME INSANE. bleh.) and feeling a bit of guilt here.

i am thinking i might be developing an unhealthy habit. in fact, i am pretty sure i am. lately i’ve been deeply struggling with both my eating habits and my self-esteem. i catch myself frequently thinking negative thoughts about my appearance. i find myself scrutinizing what i see in the mirror (it has been an off and on cycle of mine since i was a kid. i think this cycle started around the age of 11. maybe 12.) as well as comparing myself to just about EVERY girl who walks by. once i get it in my head i look “fat,” my day just falls apart. i get irritable. i feel upset. it becomes a thought i cannot, no matter how hard i try, shake out of my head. it just hovers there ALL. DAY. i sink into this negativity i absolutely loathe. i tell everyone i don’t know why i am “in a funk.” but i know. i DEFINITELY know. but i am embarrassed to tell anyone. so i just sit on my feelings or scribble them in a journal. and out of all of this, my unhealthy habit has developed.

i eat well during the day. i do. but come night time i have started over-eating. i guess you can call is borderline bingeing? but i DO stop. and i don’t eat unhealthy things — just too many healthy things (with the occasional overdose of carob chips!). lately it’s been almond butter. i try so hard not to cave to my craving and usually wait out the “10” minute period or whatever but my will power is so not strong. i don’t want this habit to get out of hand. i have never had an eating disorder. but i am certain i have had (and might still have) disordered eating. it makes me nervous. it makes me depressed. which makes me, i think, over eat sometimes. i need a way of controlling this before it becomes entirely uncontrollable. does anyone out there in the blogging world struggle with similar issues? WHAT DO YOU DO TO CONTROL IT? WHAT DO YOU TO AVOID THE SEMI-ADDICTING, ALMOST AVOIDABLE “FAT TALK” ? i’d REALLY like to know. i feel a little alone here since i have no one to discuss it with. i don’t like bringing up my eating habits or negative feelings with friends of family because i am afraid they won’t understand. and i also used to show how much thoughts were getting to me (i.e: openly voicing my negative thoughts, asking “do i look fat?”, standing for long minutes in front of the hallway mirror, sometimes crying) but now i have internalized it because i saw how it was negatively effecting those around me.

recently my healthy lifestyle has taken a negative road. any suggestions as to how to get back to the path of balance would greatly be appreciated, particularly right now. it’s going to be a difficult day tomorrow. thanks to whoever happens to read this! i appreciate it.