Category Archives: mental health
this post comes in response to a post by one of my favorite bloggers: medicinal marzipan. today mara wrote this beautiful piece on self-love. i am not truly writing in response, but rather i am writing in reflection. here it goes.
one of the biggest and most important aspects of my life is happiness. i strive to achieve happiness through self-love, a topic i feel like i talk about a lot. so far though, the road to self-love has seemed less like a road and more like a round-a-bout. it seems to come in cycles. cycles i’m sure a lot of you can relate to.
my initial first step towards self-love started the moment i got off the plane from south africa almost two years ago. i was nineteen and filled with a new sense of self, of environment, of life. i felt empowered, capable, and, for one of the first times in my life, border-line beautiful (i never fully let myself believe i was beautiful during this time). something inside switched on and my perspective on the world and me in it started to shift. i returned how with a new sense of purpose and immediately surrounded myself with healthier options. i started running. i met new, down-to-earth people. i became vegetarian. i got really involved in the kitchen. i was happy.
then the slightly winding path to self-love took a sharp, crooked left and steered me into a darker direction. i wandered away from self-love and happiness. whatever newly unearthed sense of being still oozing in my chest just withered away. anxiety replaced it. depression. anger. negativity. suddenly, the person i was almost willing to accept turned into the one person i despised. the one person i could not please. the one person i did not want to be.
i took another sharp turn in another crooked direction and wound myself deeper into a hole. running four days a week became seven days a week. with added in late-night secret work outs to combat the secret binge from earlier in the night. the skipping lunch every other day turned into skipping lunch almost every day and sometimes a complete dinner, too. portions shrunk. as did my waist. but so did my happiness.
the comments of “you look great!” morphed into “you look really, really thin, zoe.” i liked the second of the two comments the best. i secretly prized those comments and didn’t believe them at the same time. because me? really, really thin? obviously they did not see the pouch i obsessed over every-single-second-of-the-day. obviously they didn’t see the muffin top, the hips, the thighs, the butt, the every-little-thing. i only just recently realized (seriously) these thin comments were not complimentary but only said out of concern.
an incredibly close friend of mine shared with me a few months ago a thought she had around this time last year, when i was sunk in the middle of my self-induced misery: “i saw you at a party one night and thought you were going to break.”
i didn’t realize how awful i was being to myself. not even when my period disappeared. not even when i cried all the time. not even when my knees hurt constantly and walking became painful. not even when i was tired and sore almost every hour of the day. not when i couldn’t focus on conversations because i couldn’t focus period. not even when i stopped eating nourishing meals. not even when i compared girl after girl after girl to myself. not even when i preferred skipping social events in favor of eating and exercising till i fell asleep.
the wickedly twisted road on which i wandered took a turn for the brighter side over the summer. something in me clicked again and i saw through a new lens. i saw my unhappiness for what it was. and it was ruining my life, my sanity. i found something in myself to start the long climb upward.
i embraced yoga. i reconstructed my vegan diet and actually started eating. i loosened up food “rules” and quit exercising in secret. in fact, i quit the gym altogether. running and i broke up for two long, months. i started conversations with my mom, my friends, a counselor, and the healing process began.
something new turned on here. something i want to call self-love. around the time of my birthday i accepted myself for who i was, inside and out. i was beautiful, one-hundred-percent beautiful, never border-line anything. everything looked and felt brighter. i felt lighter, in mood, body, and spirit. i truly felt like i was almost there, that just a little farther up the road and i’d finally run into self-love. well, that feeling faded the day after i turned 21.
a lot of things started to happen. i gained weight. my body started changing. i based my self-worth on the attention and affection of those around me and ended up losing the one person i based the most of my self-worth on. i felt like i lost control and the happiness around the corner appeared farther and farther away. now, i realize that i am caught in a cycle. and i’m back at square one again. i’m embarrassed, scared, and upset.
i am back to under eating, bingeing, compulsively exercising. i am back to obsessing, fretting, doubting. almost every day i think back to how i felt around the time of my birthday: beautiful, settled, comfortable, happy. every day i want that feeling back.
i know i can’t get it back without self-love. i can’t feel all those things until i accept myself and all the little intricacies that make me up.
mara sums it up spectacularly:
The difference between loving yourself and not loving yourself is not in the things that you do it is in the way that you feel when you are doing them. It means being honest and brave, and not spiraling into a pit of self-hatred when you don’t like what you see or how you feel. It means reassessing, doing what is best, and being very, very sweet to yourself when you are scared. It means proving to your body that you are capable of providing a safe and healthy environment to grow and flourish. It means melting away the shame that you’ve developed over the years about yours size. It means going to bat for yourself, the way you would for someone that you love.
i know i can be honest. and i know i can be brave. i know i can not spiral into a pit of self-hatred when i don’t like what i see or how i feel. the truth is, i just don’t want to let go. loosening my grip feels like losing control yet i know it is the right thing to do. i know in my heart it’s the right thing to do. this cycle is hellish. and it’s taking its toll on me at the moment.
the last time i went to cafe gratitude, i found a pendant at the table i was seated at. a lovely silver leaf with red streaks.
how brilliantly accurate. and how wonderfully timed for this message to fall into my lap. i need to stop forcing against the current, as it brings me farther from happiness and creates unnecessary unhappiness and strife in my life.
i need to trust in my self.
i need to trust that the confusion and uncertainty i feel now will eventually bring me peace of mind.
i need to believe i am experiencing what i am experiencing for a reason.
i need to remember that it takes some work to make it work, it takes some good to make it hurt, and it takes some bad for satisfaction.
most of all, i need to start loving myself and just let it be
once i do that, once i flow with the current instead of against it, well…i think self-love will be inevitable. and that path to beauty? it starts now.
here’s to health, happiness, and wholeness. truly.
last night i did something very uncharacteristically me.
last night i climbed out of my comfort zone.
last night i ignored all signs of ‘NO’ and went for it.
last night i had fun.
(no, i didn’t get plastered. remember, i know my limits! but i definitely tipped onto the tipsy side ;))
okay, okay. i’ve alluded far enough.
last night i went dancing!
to which you might reply: dude, seriously? all that…forthat? i know, i know. just let me explain!
last night, before all the fun, i fell into a deep funk. i felt uncomfortable, i regretted eating dinner, i forgot about the love around me and felt alone. all i wanted was to crawl inside myself. and lately, i have been. i’ve been allowing myself to wallow and occupy my time turning over thoughts in my head. i’ve been withholding life from myself. again.
so last night, when my friend called and asked if i wanted to go to womp-womp (dubstep night!) at a local bar, i quickly accepted before negativity could answer for me. i dragged myself through an uncomfortable getting-dressed-to-go-out moment, forced a smile on my face, and walked out the door.
let me say this: i love music. and i love dancing. love. i got over caring what i looked like on the dance floor a really long time ago. (sometimes i wonder why and how i can be so confident in certain areas of my life and so wholly unconfident in others. especially when one confident area can influence another.) last night i let go. i danced my little heart out. i laughed a lot. i smiled a lot. basically, i lived life a lot.
i had more fun last night then i have had in months. there is so much more to life then sitting inside my house, inside my own head. if last night showed me anything, it showed me just how much i need to break out of my self-build prison. it’s stifling the life in me. i’m proud of myself for giving myself the kick in the butt i needed to get out the door last night, bad mood or not. i need to remember bad moods last as long as you want them to.
let me repeat that: bad moods last as long as you want them to.
and i’m tired of this persistent bad mood. i don’t need to be trapped here. positivity is a choice i need to make for the sake of my life more often. particularly when it leads to fun nights like last night! so today i am saying yes.
to a hike with a friend.
to wholesome meals.
and to (possibly!) more dancing later! fingers crossed!
i apologize for the posts with lack of pictures. i know they’re not as entertaining but i haven’t been snapping much. and i find more and more this blog is gravitating toward a different direction then the one i initially set up for it. that’s life though, isn’t it? i might be overhauling soon. the end of this month marks my one year blogaversary (did i spell that right?). kind of insane. it doesn’t feel like a year yet, it is. and i’m just itching for change
have a beautiful thursday. hope the day treats you well!
have you done something recently so very uncharacteristically you? how did it feel!? tell me about it :)!
let’s get all high school english paper here and crank out a solid dictionary definition before we go any farther:
1. the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.
2. the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina: He has amazing physical endurance.
3. lasting quality; duration: His friendships have little endurance.
4. something endured, as a hardship; trial.
endurance and the act of enduring has been on my mind lately.
it was on my mind mid-way through level three of jillian michael’s 30 day shred earlier this morning. as i sunk down into another push-up, a thought occurred to me. some little voice went, “huh, i’m not huffing and puffing like i was two weeks ago.” then it went, “huh, i seem to not be doing the modified version, either. what the hell?”
my endurance is up. across the board. my runs feel stronger, my yoga sessions more solid. while climbing i don’t feel as fatigued as quickly and recovery feels speedy. mountain climbers don’t kick my ass like they used to. am i getting stronger? all signs point to yes. thank you, strength training. you are amazing. i don’t know why i shunned you for so long!
i endured a lot emotionally during the entire month of february. now that the month has officially come to a close, i feel better. k put me into a position where i doubted myself. a lot of these doubts have left me not feeling like i am enough. doubt prompted me to say, “i’m not good enough. i’m not pretty enough. i’m not funny enough. i’m not smart enough.” worst of it, doubt told me i am not worthy enough to eat. that if i was thinner things would be different. i’ve been enduring that voice as best as i can. i know those thoughts are not true.
sometimes, though, it’s difficult to convince yourself you are worth health and happiness so you reach out for the the only thing available to you for instant gratification. which, in this case, is converting back to old, awful habits that bring you nothing but a twisted, unreal sense of happiness. i know i need to eat and i know that not eating is unhealthy, but i’m still finding myself avoiding certain foods and feeling an uncomfortable, familiar sense of panic when confronted with them. example? for lunch i planned on eating a gluten free, brown rice wrap filled with veggies and beans. but when it came time to take out the wrap, i chickened out and stuck to the veggies and beans. it was kind of a downer.
the positive parts about this are i know these feelings of doubt will leave me soon. very soon. most already have. i feel loads better than last week. each day brings a stronger sense of renewed happiness. i credit this shift in attitude to friends and my family. sometimes i forget the support system surrounding me. i also credit this to the fact that i am seeing the situation realistically. this has nothing to do with me.
so on that note, i’m going out for a low-key bike-ride. i’ve got new music on zee old ipod (mumford & sons officially owns my soul, by the way) and i’ll bring along my camera, too. it’s beautiful outside in an almost-spring-but-still-winter kind of way. i can’t wait to show you! i hope you are all having a spectacular tuesday. i’ve got work later tonight but also a chance to see my friends as well. it’s shaping up to be a decent tuesday! (my least favorite day of the week!)
how do you endure? do you rely on yourself, or do you have a support system? have you seen any physical endurance changes? are mountain climbers not kicking your ass anymore, either?! :)!
(oh, and here’s a little mumford & sons action for you!)
but first. remember this?
woke up singing this. TLC was so cool, man.
tomorrow marks the start of march. march. can anyone else quite believe that? march, 2011. already i feel the year quietly slipping passed. sadness. however, i’m happy to close the book on february. it’s been a long month and i’m ready to leave it behind. in march i’m really going to concentrate on a few things. like happiness. and health. and the forthcoming spring. because after spring comes summer (!). and constant sunshine, shorts, tank tops, the beach, late nights, friends, swimming, out side climbing and i-could-go-on-and-on. for now though, i’ll concentrate on the present
and the present hasn’t been entirely too interesting. last night i caught the end of the oscars with my friends and a bottle or two of wine. i missed the entire red carpet business so i missed all the glitz and glam. but still…can we talk about how beautiful natalie portman is? for serious. girl crush!
question number three! my thoughts on drugs and alcohol.
confession: i actually posted a long, detailed post about my thoughts and experiences. but the comments i received lead me to delete it. so this time around, i’m not going into detail. sorry, i know i’m all for honesty, but it seems like some people were not so down for the honesty i was offering. so here it goes.
i am not a stranger to drugs and alcohol. i don’t think anyone really truly is. we’re all affected or influenced by drugs in some way, directly or not. i can tell you my experience with drugs and alcohol started in high school. nothing scandalous and nothing on a large scale. i’ve never been one to get carried away. i know my limits and stick with them. the nothing scandalous things i became acquainted with followed me into freshman year of college and sophomore year. and junior and senior. however, sophomore year is when i dabbled a bit more in other areas of the drug world. so yes, i am familiar with some things i know other people look down on, especially in the “healthy living” community.
but honestly? i’m not an idiot. i know my limits and stick with them. i’ve never been one to alter my character just to look cool for another person or group of people. i’ve definitely been around people doing drugs i chose to not try. i’ve definitely turned down a hit, a glass, a pill. and that’s because i know myself. and i know what i am okay with and what i am not okay with. most importantly, i know that it’s okay to say no.
do i regret my experiences? absolutely not. they changed me for the better. my perspective on life took a 180. i see the people, things, and happenings in my life through a completely different lens. i am more patient, understanding, and less angry now. and no, i’m not going into any more detail than that.
so that’s it! i don’t drink very often and when i do, i stick to beer, wine, and tequila. not necessarily all in one night basically it comes down to this: to each his own and as long as your habits are not infringing on my happiness and health, keep on keeping on!
that’s my plan for the day. keep on keeping on, i mean. i feel much better than yesterday. i went on a long, near seven mile run. it was some kind of magic, i’m telling you. i would have kept going but my knees were screaming at me. taking that as a sign to rest today. cause, you know, i actually take those cues from my body into consideration now. regardless, it felt amazing to just go.
i’ve got work at seven so i’ve got all day to do a whole lot of nothing. one thing about being out of school while everyone else is in it? not too many adventure buddies readily available. good thing i’m okay with spending time with only myself
have a beautiful monday!
what about this up-coming new month are you most excited about? any goals, plans, randomness you want to share? go for it, i want to hear it :)!
i’m not crazy.
um. yeah. i know it’s a weird song.
but i’m feeling hella nervous. hella hella hella. okay, well maybe not nervous. but anxious. thought my anxiety levels were under control? me too. until last night.
last night our store had a meeting. so of course i saw k. i, maybe immaturely, did not say a single word to him the entire time. i didn’t even look at him. i figure his actions speak louder than his words. by ignoring me as he has recently, i figure it’s what he wants me to do as well. so i did. and it was not easy. later, while at work (i closed), i texted him to see if he was going to be home when i was off. i was picking something up from his roommate who wasn’t home and i never got a text back. this is when my anxiety started to sink in after an entire day free from it.
i drove to his house after work to talk, to ask him why he felt it necessary to ignore me, especially when we decided to be friends. his car wasn’t there. crazy person that i am, i drove to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment complex…and saw his car parked out front. talk about a punch in the stomach.
just to clarify — i never creep around trying to figure out where people are. but for the sake of my through-the-roof anxiety, i needed some answers. if k was going to ignore me, i knew it was up to me to just figure the whole thing out. it sucked to discover, but i had a sinking feeling it was happening anyway. at least i know now and can waste no more time worrying about the potential of getting back together. it’s not going to happen.
regardless of knowing now, i’m still feeling an incredibly amount of anxiety. for me, anxiety feels terrible. it seems to simmer my stomach bile and make me essentially live in the bathroom. my chest feels ready to explode and the urge to vomit becomes strong and difficult to ignore. recently, i’ve also realized my anxiety makes me cold. i find it really hard to stay warm. example: i’m under four blankets right now and i’m still shivering. all this makes eating difficult to do. everything i manage to put down wants to come right back up. the only way i know how to manage these feelings is to move. and constantly. i ate a smoothie earlier (but couldn’t finish it) and am planning on taking off on a long, long run shortly.
i feel used. and cheated. and really, really hurt. not only did i just lose a boyfriend, but i lost a friend. if they’re back together (which i’m basically sure they are), i know she will not let him hang out with me. i know this because i know her and how much she loathes me. if anything, i learned a very valuable lesson here: always give people time to heal from past relationships before allowing them to jump into new ones. especially with you.
i know deep down in my heart k still cares about me. i know he likes me. i know he has a difficult time being alone. most importantly though, i know i deserve better than this and like me or not, i’m washing my hands of this entirely. these are silly games i stopped playing in high school. last night i kept asking myself “what am i lacking? what am i not enough of for him?” doubt cornered me and threatened to keep me up until sunrise. after a lot of thought and a lot of text messages with my lovely, amazing, supportive friend victoria, it came down to this: nothing. i am not lacking anything. k is immature. and selfish. and i am worth more than immaturity and selfishness. just like you are, too.
to reaffirm these thoughts, i wrote them out, over and over again. sometimes writing things makes them real. i wrote “this is not about me” and “i am worthy of all good things” over and over and over. i covered a page with these words. and hearts.
i know it might look silly, but words are very powerful for me. it’s why i write. they’re a coping mechanism for me.
so do i feel lacking this morning? sort of. i know it’s not true. but i’m still sad. this is going to be difficult to work my way through but i know i have an amazing support system available to me. i’ll get through this. just with a little help from my friends.
how do you remind yourself of you’re worth only all good things, always?
have a wonderful sunday.
sometimes, you just need a really good friend to pull you out of your head. and the beatles, of course.
last night i spent a few hours at a friend’s house. we chit chatter over a few beers and he really helped me come to terms with the situation with k. he’s our mutual friend and such a level headed guy. his perspective changed my perspective and eased my anxiety which was starting to burn a hole in my chest. anxiety is an issue i know too much about, as i’m sure you do, too! regardless, i woke up this morning to sunshine and a new, familiar mood. i’m feeling much more settled, much more happy today. it always helps to share with a friend, right? talking about issues seriously always releases my worries.
anyway, i’m incredibly thankful. i sometimes forget about the support system around me. it’s solid and i should never doubt it like i do sometimes. i’m incredibly lucky to have people like my friend — let’s call him j — in my life.
since i’m feeling light hearted i figured i’d jump on the blog wagon and take this little survey! does this remind anyone else of myspace? confession: i was addicted to those surveys. i’m sure chunk palahniuck would have a word or two as to why but whatevs. i’m doing it anyway!
a. age: twenty-one! my golden birthday is this year :)! (twenty-two on the twenty-second!)
b. bed size: hmm…i want to say double? it’s smaller than a queen. but it’s basically a big fluffy cloud of awesome
c. chore you dislike: making my bed. cleaning the bathroom (i’m a used-to-be germaphobe). putting away laundry. despise!
d. dogs: not my best friend. i’m kind of terrified by them. coming around slowly, though!
e. essential start to your day: with breakfast! always have, always will.
f. favorite color: orange!
g. gold or silver: i much, much prefer silver to gold.
h. height: five foot one and a half inches. yes, the half inch is that important
i. instruments you play(ed): flute for a few years. i miss it! i still have it but i don’t really remember how to play or read music like i could. bummer. i used to know how to play the harry potter song. baller!
j. job title: barista? partner?
k. kids: not for a while, hopefully! and maybe not at all.
l. live: northern california, just outside of san francisco
m. mom’s name: judy
n. nicknames: zo, bozo, zo-zo, z, and at one point in time z-force (don’t ask. it’s soccer related ;))
o. overnight hospital stays: none that i remember! i was a little inky-dink.
p. pet peeves: oh boy. i have way, way too many. um. chewing in my ear, when customers don’t specify what size drink they want (i.e: “can i get a white mocha?”), not using turn signals. really, there’s far too many to name!
q. quote from a movie: uh, on the spot? umm…slappa-the-bass! just watched this recently
r. righty or lefty: riiiiighty
s. siblings: jesse! it’s his birthday today, actually! my little brother is all grown up and turned 17 on me overnight, i swear!
t. time you wake up: usually right around nine. i’ve been waking up around nine for about a year now, regardless of what time i go to sleep. i’m a big fan because i’m a huge morning person and i love embracing the day!
u. underwear: must be comfortable.
v. vegetables you dont’ like: olives. and endives. and that’s about it!
w. what makes you run late: the fact that i’m a hard core procrastinator! hah.
x. x-rays you’ve had: my back! when i was little (before memory kicked in) i had some spinal infection and, consequently, had to take back x-rays every five years until i was fifteen, which is when we found out my back fused itself and the doctors wouldn’t have to do it for me! and i’ve had my teeth x-rayed at the dentist, and my knees and ankle when i effed them up running and playing soccer. no breaks though! (knock on wood!)
y. yummy food you make: dessert :)!
z. zoo animal favorites: the zoo makes me uncomfortable but i love elaphants and giraffes and zebras!
well, i hope you’re all enlightened and well educated about me now ;)! got any other questions you want to ask me? go for it :)!
i’m finishing up breakfast over here. in bed. what? it’s saturday and i’m feeling lazy ;). after i finish up i’m thinking of taking a walk. it’s sunny outside and lately, i’ve been craving walks like a crazy person! really, i just want to be outside all the time. seriously. it’s bad. but there’s also a climbing competition today at my college and you bet your ass i’m going to be there! so pumped! unfortunately i have work today from 6-12 (yes, 12 as in midnight) so it looks like the sunshine hours are my free hours today. darn
what are your plans for saturday! for the weekend?
whatever they are, i hope you have a good one!
hello loves. hope your mid-week hump day is treating you well. (you know, the fact that we call wednesday hump day is kind of off-putting. not a big fan. just sayin’ ;)).
last night ended on a sour note, i’m afraid. the mood seems to have carried over into this sunny, frigid day. i climbed inside my head last night and just stayed there. once i’m locked in, it’s difficult to break out. it takes a lot of effort. which i am applying as we speak.
the funk came about for a few reasons. i climbed last night. with k and a mutual friend. climbing was a blast — i climbed my first 5.10a at our home gym, a big accomplishment considering our gym rates their routes on some crazy ridiculous level. i’m definitely getting stronger and taking more risks. two nights ago i also went climbing (with k…) and bouldered my first v.2. success! it’s amazing to see how far i’ve progressed in such a short amount of time.
anywho, with all that awesomeness going down it’s surprising a funk happened. but it did. i started to doubt myself. i started to feel “fat” (ugh, that word needs to die) and really, really unworthy. i felt uncomfortable and, unfortunately, disgusting in my own skin last night. part of it had to do with k and part of it had to do with the fact that lately, it’s been really difficult to just feel comfortable at all. i’m not going to lie: i’m trying to lose weight. and i’m trying to do it healthfully. it’s almost ridiculous how well i eat, too. but the scale hasn’t budged and my pants haven’t loosened up. i’m really stuck despite my diet and well-rounded exercise habits (just about every day, though the intensity differs as the activity changes daily. example: yoga and climbing monday, climbing yesterday, long, long walk today and maybe some yoga later.). it’s starting to frustrate me. any tips would be welcome…
but back to last night. i went to bed a little weepy and discouraged. i woke up discouraged and very blah. it’s hard being friends because i miss k, but it’s the right thing to do. especially when i remembered everything that went down. i know this feeling will pass but it has settled over my day. hopefully a few things will clear up the air. because i don’t want to sit in company with this beast for very much longer.
a lunch visit with my mommy might help! i’m excited
and reading through my newest book that i cannot, for the life of me, put down. anyone else read it?
chuck palahniuk is such an engaging writer. i just finished lullaby right before invisible monsters. i seriously fly through his stuff (and i’m a slow reader) and have issues putting it down when i need to (say like…when i need to sleep. or clock back in from my lunch at work). i forgot how much i love reading! it’s so nice to be able to pick up whatever i want to read now instead of reading assigned things.
and, if the stars are aligned, i’ll hopefully make it to a club tonight with a friend and her boyfriend for dancing! little known fact: i love to dance. lovelovelove. i’m basically always moving to some beat in my head. i dance in public all the time. sorry if i’ve offended your eyes. i never said i was good at it but i’ve been wanting to go dancing for daaays so i’m just banking on my energy levels not being low (i’ve been up since three. after sleeping for oh, four hours? i opened…). fingers crossed!
i’ve got more interesting things to write about, i promise. this is getting long and i don’t want to bore you all to death any more. things to look forward to (maybe? hopefully?): a fashion post (PROMISE!), a book review (kara, this is for you! it’s been a long time coming and i JUST got the book back!), and a challenge! keep your eyes peeled. until then, enjoy your hump day
how do you cope with rotten moods and hard-to-shake mindsets?
update: i just finished an hour and fifteen minute vinyasa flow that completely restored me. i feel calm, steady, and refreshed. yoga is such a soul soother. savasana felt so nourishing and rewarding. yoga is such a present to the mind, body, and spirit!
but glee is more than just a show.
glee is baking a cake for people you love (k’s cake…) a triple layer chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting and a chocolate peanut butter glaze a la smitten kitchen. (no, it’s not vegan. i was told it tasted like “a reeses cup!”
hope you all had a wonderful weekend. i’m going to cap off this sunday with some more glee. are you surprised :)?
what brings you glee?
…i never used food to punish myself in the past few days. though completely stressed this entire week, binge eating rarely occurred (maybe once, and on a very low scale). healthy eats seemed to be all i wanted. my comfort foods = carrots and hummus. funny how comfort foods change after living a new lifestyle for a year and a half.
…i’m enjoying running again. maybe because i’m running to feel alive instead of running to punish myself or simply to burn calories.
…i‘m not worried about the number on the scale, even though it’s ten numbers up from where i thought i should be. i only seem to shrug it off every time i step on it. maybe it’s time to chuck the damn piece of useless plastic, huh?
…i’ve maintained my current weight for three months. without trying. clearly my body wanted to be here all along.
…i’m kind of in love with my curves. i can’t fight my genetics anyway and this is so obviously how i am built. my 34 D boobs stayed 34 D no matter how small i got last year. an indication? yes, i think so. do i want to lose weight? no, not necessarily, but i do want to tone up. that being said, however…
…i don’t, and won’t, force the issue. i’d rather focus on being happy instead of focusing on (and obsessing over) my appearance. if i happen to lose weight along the way, cool. really though: whatthefuckever.
…plus all my clothes still fit, anyway. just differently. meaning, they actually fit instead of fall off.
…i look forward to all my work outs. i no longer see them as a chore that must be done but as an opportunity to feel alive. the feeling i get after moving my body cannot be compared to much else.
…i’m still a little anxious when i look in the mirror of put on a pair of jeans. but then i remind myself i’m healthy again, and that this is what healthy people look like. and then i feel better almost immediately.
…the negative moods i always seemed to swim in in previous months rarely strike me. and yes, i am enjoying this reemerging surge of positivity i thought i lost a long time ago.
interestingly enough, life feels a lot brighter and lighter. yes, some days i struggle but those days pop up infrequently. i am feeling stronger and more brave each day. do i still have issues i need to work on? of course. everyone does. but the difference between the me now and the me of months passed is that i am choosing positivity instead of negativity. i’m choosing to focus on the things in my life that really matter. like health and happiness. not the size of my waist, hips, thighs and stomach. that’s all just too stressful, don’t you think?
well, ten years is a long time for now. i hate looking into the future simply because i don’t know what’s going to happen. i don’t want to assume, i don’t want to say ‘i hope to be doing x, y, and z’ because i know that i’ll be changing so much in those ten years. i’ve changed so much in the four plus years i’ve been out of high school. it’s astounding.
but, i guess to give you a general impression of ‘where i want to be’, i’d say i’d want to be in a comfortable place in my life where i am truly happy. where i am doing something i love. i want to be feel supported by the people i love in my life and vice versa. i want all these superficial worries of mine to be non existent. and i want to give — my time, my love, my heart, my compassion, my energy. will all this happen? i don’t know. but i sure think it will!
hope you’re all having a wonderful saturday. me? well, i got off work about an hour ago, just ate some lunch, and am about to shred it with jillian michales before i go rock climb with some friends and drive on home for a little visit with my parents and one of my best, best, best and oldest friends (2nd grade!). enjoy the sunshine! (if you can at least…if you can’t, well, enjoy a picture of a warm beach while you cuddle up with some tea :))
what interesting things have occurred to you recently? where do you ‘want to be in ten years’?
biiig inhale. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig exhale.
boy. it’s been a rough few days.
the rest of monday passed so slowly i wanted to punch every clock i saw. time is such a funny concept like that. most days it flies by but introduce misery and time ticks by molasses slow. eating became a task my body did not want to go through. everything i considered consuming only made me feel like throwing up. whenever i am heart broken or immensely sad, i find it incredibly difficult to stomach anything other than water. basically, monday was a day for leaky eyes and an anxious, acidic body.
and, because k had class in the afternoon, i had to wait until nine at night to talk with him. and talk i did. for two hours. no, i was not nice. at all. let’s just call it an emotional kind of conversation. but it allowed me to get everything off my chest and learn a few things about the situation. one of them being that i know this is not my fault, that i am not lacking anything. and that i don’t deserve to be taken for granted and lied to, feelings in the past i’m sure i would have never felt. my confidence in my person is so strong now. but, more importantly, i learned k did nothing with her (also confirmed by the person who initially told me about this whole thing) other than talk.
tuesday i woke up feeling decent. i even managed to eat lightly for the rest of the day. think smoothies and salads. i felt confident enough to smile and laugh all day. then night hit. hard. because i opened on wednesday, i tucked myself into bed around seven with good intentions…and fell asleep around 1:30. all night i wanted so badly to call k, to see him, to be with him. usually my resolve is strong (i am, self-admittedly, very stubborn and hard-headed sometimes) enough for me to stick to my guns but i felt completely unhinged.
the alarm woke me from a dead sleep around 3:30. ugh. wednesday did not mirror tuesday at all. i felt weepy and my chest hurt. it’s hard to be in customer service when all you want to do is sit down, cry, and wallow. which i did on my break but still. i was back to not being about to eat and feeling so acidic it felt like bile was constantly creeping up my esophagus. my run and hour long yoga session helped only in minor ways. i didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
so i called k. another hour long conversation later and i learned more things: how sorry he was. how miserable he felt. how he didn’t know why he did what he did (best explanation: he was curious as to what she was up to. they dated for two years and he saw her basically every day…regardless, it’s lame). how he didn’t want to lose me. how badly he wanted to be with me. how stupid he felt. how he was planning on talking to me again on valentine’s day, an apologetic surprise in tow (funny, as i was trying to wait until his birthday, the day after valentine’s day, to talk to him. fail.).
clearly, my words in our first conversation struck him hard. i know good people make mistakes. i know i am not perfect so i don’t expect anyone else to be. and i’m super forgiving by nature.
last night we hung out for a little. it felt tense but okay. we decided to not end this, because we both recognized we had something special here (shit, everyone else did, too. including his ex who, i’m pretty sure, only continued talking to him to spite me despite breaking up with him in the first place. she’s dramatic and mean that way (and only 19. no offense to any 19 year olds out there!) and most likely felt insecure because k no longer wanted her) but i’m not throwing my whole heart back into it just yet. i’m still pretty hurt, my trust is still pretty broken. no one’s ever been so sneaky behind my back like that before. it’s going to take a few seconds for things to feel “normal” to me again.
i have my guard up, yes, but i can’t let this boy go. honestly, i’ve never felt such a connection to any other person in my life, not even my past boyfriends. i know it’s okay to give people second chances, but this is the only other change i’m willing to give. i don’t want to be a fool again. so we’ll see how this goes. am i happy right now? much happier. i can eat again (thank the universe) and i slept pretty soundly last night. one day at a time, right?
i guess that explains my answer to number one of this 30-day challenge i really want to do! i saw it on a few other blogs and think it’s a fun way to get to know people and write on topics i normally wouldn’t think of.
and that’s my current relationship. only a month old and being nursed back to health. i’ll keep you updated as it changes. hope you’re all having a wonderful thursday.