Category Archives: yoga
well, i am thinking a few things.
i’m thinking spicy veggie nachos should be eaten every day.
i’m feeling more things than i am thinking, though.
i’m feeling accomplished for being binge free for three days in a row and proud for catching myself at the beginning of one this morning.
because, you see my loves, this morning i woke up late. like, 11:00 am late. who am i?
i woke up feeling sad.
i woke up feeling anxious.
i’m feeling guilty for cutting my 90 minute yoga session short. the negative chatter in my mind was too distracting to finish the last forty or so minutes of movement. i caved to the negative.
i’m feeling heartbroken, because i allowed myself yesterday to acknowledge just how heartbroken i really am (about k…)
i’m feeling doubtful, of myself, my purpose.
i’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin.
i want to be this girl again:
this girl is happy. she is balanced. she is in love with life and its endless possibilities. and she’s in love with herself.
she weighs less (truthful things i don’t feel like thinking or feeling about right now).
and, you know, i should be happy. yesterday went pretty well. i climbed my first v3 rated bouldering route. i basically decided the cute boy at the rock wall definitely thinks i’m cute. i’ve been feeding myself well and listening to my body. i’ve been moving in ways i like, not in ways i think i am “supposed” to be moving in. i’m moving through life right now but doing so feeling kind of empty.
earlier i talked to my mom. about everything. she told me something i can’t quiet shake out of my head: “you’re not thinking, you’re feeling.”
she couldn’t be more right.
i am feeling alone. i am feeling “fat”. i am feeling empty. i am feeling unworthy. i am feeling doubt. i am feeling sad. i am feeling so much i am forgetting to think.
about how loved i truly am.
about how much support i have.
about how worthy i am of life, love, happiness, and all the good bits and pieces in between.
i’m feeling so much i am forgetting to focus on what i have as opposed to what i don’t have.
i’m forgetting my body is an amazing thing, not something i should feel so miserable about.
i’m not thinking about all the possibilities life has for me right at this very moment.
i’m just not thinking.
right now, though? well, it’s a wonderful time to start thinking and forget feeling for a moment. the best way to do that? spend a night on the dance floor with your friends and some dubstep. have a safe saint patricks!
what are you feeling instead of thinking?
before i dive into my latest rambling, i want to first acknowledge the horrific events occuring in japan. my positive thoughts go out to all the people affected. events like these make me feel badly for ever complaining. i know everyone has her own problems, but sometimes i feel shallow and stupid for worrying about what i worry about. my heart goes out to all the victims. i hope the healing process can begin soon…
(and on another side note, thank you all so much for your sweet, sweet comments. there were so thoughtful and heartfelt and i really appreciate them!)
i have never been a very independent person. i am shy, quick to over analyze, and grow anxious very, very fast in certain situations. i am hesitant to try new things alone and usually end up dragging a friend with me.
now, however, i see just how utterly important it is to erase the lines i’ve drawn around myself. two days ago, i had a breakthrough. and yesterday? i had a revelation.
breakthrough: thursday afternoon, i went climbing…alone. the only people i climb with are k and our mutual friend, joe. clearly k never lets me know when he climbs and joe never remembers (or chooses not to) inform me of his own climbing schedule so i generally get left out. i wallowed for a bit and grew anxious over the thought of rarely climbing again but then it hit me: i have myself. if people i considered friends suddenly want to leave me out of their lives, so be it. i have myself and i have legs that can take me to the wall. i have a voice to ask people for a belay. i have the ability to climb alone. so i did. and guess what? it was a blast! i almost chickened out, too. i’m so glad i didn’t! i cannot tell you the confidence i felt after climbing solo yesterday. i felt empowered and so capable.
revelation: i am the only person standing in the way of experiencing life. by doling out excuse after excuse, i am essentially denying myself opportunities — for fun, for growth, for learning. by sticking to the main road instead of carving out a new trail in a new direction, i am only deepening the grooves of paths i’ve walked a million and a half times. where’s the excitement in that? where’s the adventure? i’m so sick of not trying things i want to try simply because i am scared.
confidence comes from testing yourself. confidence comes from pushing past your comfort zones and truly discovering what you are capable of.
each day i’ve been trying to push past my comfort zone. i’ve been trying to listen to my inner voice and ignore the negative voice i tend to listen to more often. two days ago i went climbing alone. yesterday, i experienced a pretty powerful revelation. today? well…
today, i quit an hour long yoga podcast twenty minutes from the end. why? because i realized i hate baptise power yoga. because i realized the thought it of produced anxiety in my chest. because i realized i only pushed myself through it purely for a work out, not for a reconnection of mind and body. because when david farmer said “be true to you” i realized i wasn’t. so i stopped. i never stop a work out.ever. as a person attempting to calm my compulsive exercising habit, i think i just did myself a huge favor: i just acted out of self-love.
oh, and let me just reassure you — that was not easy. i am feeling an intense need to supplement with more activity. i’m judging. i’m uncomfortable.
yet…isn’t that what the road to self-love is?
aren’t we supposed to feel uncomfortable? isn’t that what moving past comfort zones is? i think so, and i intend to keep on keepin’ on. tomorrow? well, i have a special challenge for myself. i’m excited and nervous and feeling silly for even calling it a challenge. we all start somewhere though, right? i’ll show you tomorrow.
as for the rest of the day…it’s a bit sunny outside. i want to go out on a walk (originally planned pre-quitting yoga. not supplementing, promise!) to clear my mind and enjoy the patches of blue sky. it’s been nice recently, too…
hope you all have a wonderful saturday!
what have you done recently that’s “outside of your comfort zone”? what do you want to do if you haven’t? and what’s keeping you from doing it?!
lately i’ve been putting more of an effort into creating in the kitchen. i love it so much but i’m usually so hungry and impatient by the time i need to start cooking dinner i either opt for something quick (and therefore too boring to present to you all) or i go out (blaming this on k :)).
the other day, however, i buckled down and decided to make curry, a food i love with all my heart and soul and usually only eat when eating out.
k came over and we picked out a recipe and got to cooking! thank you my cozy kitchen for the basis and inspiration for our first attempt at curry!
we basically stuck to the recipe but subbed the potatoes for tofu and added peas and spinach for more veggie bulk! k is not a vegan/vegetarian but he is also not a very picky eater and loves all the vegan and vegetarian foods i’ve introduced to him thus far. sounds like a winner, no?
anywho, it turned out just all right. i wouldn’t say it was as flavorful as curries we’ve tried in our favorite indian and thai restaurants. but it was good! and nicely spicy. spicy foods = absolutelymyfavorite. if anything can be made spicy, i usually will make it spicy
left oveeeerrrrsss! i know it looks kind of gross, but it’s pretty tasty! especially after chilling out in the fridge for a second. all the flavors meld together well
in the past if things did not turn out exactly as i wanted them to, i usually deemed it a failure and wound myself up in negative thoughts. however, now that i am practicing self-compassion and patience, i can call this a great first attempt at curry. nothing comes easily without practice. plus, i think i need to invest some money in good curry. any suggestions???
in addition to the curry, i finally got around my laziness (something i am seriously working on) and sprouted quinoa!!! talk about easiest sprouting experience ever. all i did was soak the quinoa in water over night, woke up, drained it, and allowed it to further drain in a collander all day covered with a clean cloth. did it sprout? hells yes! just look at those yummy sprouted seeds…
i’m trying to spend more time in the kitchen, yes, but i am trying to spend more time un-cooking in my kitchen. raw food fascinates me. i love every aspect of it, from the preparation to the taste, to the ingredients. it has opened my eyes to a completely new form of food preparation as well as a new form of living and eating. though i know i cannot go raw over night, i plan in 2011 to make a pretty big conversion over to the raw side. i do need to allow my stomach time to adjust though!
regardless, i am so excited and so inspired! a friend just let me borrow raw food, real world by matthew kenney and sarma melngailis. i sprouted the quinoa specifically for a recipe in there! i’ll let you know about it soon, promise also, i just ordered another book by matthew kenney and one by ani phyo. so excited! this dehydrator has definitely motivated me! be on the look out for more recipes for sure!
last night i threw together this little tostada…
brown rice tortilla topped with half an avocado, chick peas mashed with hot sauce (nandos!), spinach, sprouted quinoa, and a quarter of a yellow bell pepper which, to me, looks like the sun! which made me super happy. the yellow and orange peppers were on sale (97 cents EACH!) so i stocked up. i forgot how sweet yellow bell peppers were!
this was my first experience with sprouted quinoa. i can tell you it does taste different — it tastes sprouted! crunchy and good. i ate this alongside some roasted brussel sprouts.
one thing i’ve noticed is this: i do not require as much food as i used to. i do not work out like i used to (meaning, i don’t run 6-7 miles EVERY DAY) so my body requires less food. it’s a nice realization and i’m recognizing when to stop eating and understanding the concept of being satisfied as opposed to stuffed. baby steps!
it’s a nice sunny day (though absolutely fucking freezing) and i just completed an hour of core yoga (a la yogadownload.com). i haven’t done this flow in a while and it was challenging. definitely broke a sweat and got my heart rate pumping! about twenty minutes in the negative voice in my head started saying things like “this is too hard, i can’t do this”. but i forced myself to recognize my own strength and you know what? it was challenging, yes, but i felt empowered and strong and refused to let my negative voice dominate my flow. i ended the hour feeling awake in my core as well as in my being.
i love yoga for this very reason. it makes me feel alive and capable and humble all at the same time. and guess what? i can officially hold crow! and i got into full boat pose today (though i was shaking the entire time). i am most definitely deepening my yoga abilities. although i weighed less in past months, i was never able to do these things. my strength and endurance has improved ten-fold despite my weight gain. again, just another reason supporting the fact that weight doesn’t determine your overall health.
this is one substantial mat! it’s heavy and thiiiick. i kind of love it dearly
but i’ve got to go! work in an hour — and my first review! can you believe i’ve been working for starbucks for six months already? i can’t!
enjoy your monday!
yesterday was rough.
although i am better able to regulate my moods around the time of my period, i still experience one to three days of intense emotional discomfort and insecurity. in order to grow and learn i think it’s really important to fully acknowledge and experience all of our emotions — good and bad. and yesterday was just about all bad.
you see, on monday night i kind of lost it. insecurity and my negative voice wholly took over and a binge took place (though i am happy to report this is the first in a long, long time. which means i’ve been really balances emotionally lately!). i was feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin and took it out on myself. i went to bed uncomfortable, unhappy, and disappointed. sometimes these things happen and i try not to be so hard on myself but i just felt like i let my body down. it’s not fair to treat myself so poorly.
i woke up yesterday in the same miserable spirits i went to sleep with. i spent seven hours at work wallowing, fighting that voice in my mind. sometimes this insecurity drives me insane. it can ruin anything and everything if i allow it to. and yesterday i just about let it do that.
i worked from 7:30 am to 3 and was so effing relieved to be off of work. i thought about my options. yoga sounded nice. deep breathing sounded soothing. instead i called up k and met him in san francisco at planet granite for an epic (seriously) two and a half hour climbing session. however i got lost on the way and i freak out when i’m lost. i freaked out at k, too. and then felt like the biggest bitch in the world. i apologized profusely for allowing my insecurity to project on him. nothing was his fault — i just let my emotions come out negatively.
a usual he calmed me down and we ended up bouldering and top roping in complete peace. and i most definitely conquered new territory. it’s really funny too because it’s been about three weeks since i last climbed (sigh) but i felt strong and capable the entire time. i wasn’t even too burned out at the end! i love, love, love climbing.
we ate at sol food (puerto rican food in my home town!) on the way back to school. was it late? yes. did i cringe a little for breaking a food “rule”? a little. but did i dwell on it in the end? nope
the night ended with some yoga and i got a fully, lovely eight hours of sleep. i am feeling so much better today. i just completed a fantastic hour and a half of yoga. first up was a session with chaz and then the newest free video of the week over at yoga today. loved, loved, loved it. all hip opening. i feel incredibly opened and settled. and much, much stronger in my person.
my favorite part of today? adi (the yoga today instructor) stressing this: every feeling is impermanant. how true and how fitting! though i felt awful yesterday and the day before, these feelings of insecurity didn’t last. i need to remember that in times of doubt.
additionally, one of my most favorite bloggers, lori, of what runs lori, wrote a beautiful and timely post today. she posted these “morning power questions”, questions meant to deepen your sense of gratitude and self-love. sounds right up my alley, right?! so, i’m going to answer them. i invite you to do the same!
The Morning Power Questions
(a la lori!)
1. What am I or what could I be most happy about in my life
What about that makes me happy? How does that make me feel?
i am strong. i am healthy. it makes me happy that i have the strength to lift myself into headstand and that my body helped me climb 60+ feet yesterday without falling on a route i never expected to complete. i feel grateful for this feeling of strength.
2. What am I or what could I be most excited about in my life now?
What about that makes me excited? How does that make me feel?
i am most excited for tomorrow’s road trip down to san diego (!!). i am going down for new years to spend time with candace (who is with her girlfriend, kat, who lives in sd) and our friends. i am so excited for the drive down, which i may be making alone. but solo drives are what i live for, especially when good music is involved. lots of time to think.
3. What am I or what could I be most proud about in my life now?
What about that makes me feel proud? How does that make me feel?
i am proud of myself for having the patience and willingness and openness to heal myself. i am happy to be working hard at simply being happy and accepting and seeing the abundance in my life. a year ago i do not think i would be able to have done this.
4. What am I or what could I be most grateful for in my life now?
What about that makes me feel grateful? How does that make me feel?
i am grateful for my family, for k, for candace and all my friends in san diego. i am grateful for their calming presence and their unwavering positivity that inspires me to only seek the same.
5. What am I or what could I be enjoying most in my life now?
What about that do I enjoy? How does that make me feel?
i could be enjoying the sunshine outside. i enjoy the warmth it brings and the brightness, especially after the absolutely ridiculous amount of rain from yesterday. it makes me feel hopeful.
6. What am I or what could I be committed to in my life now?
What about that makes me committed? How does that make me feel?
i am committed to change and accepting change. it makes me feel strong and powerless at the same time. i am committed to softening and it makes me feel content.
7. Who do I love? Who loves me?
What about that makes me loving? How does that make me feel?
i love my family. i love my friends, especially candace. it makes me feel giving and appreciated and compassionate. when i focus on love, all i want to give is love.
8. What questions can I ask that will add value to the lives of people I interact with?
What about that adds value to me? How does that make me feel?
i can ask how someone is doing, especially those who are serving me (like at a restaurant). i know these simple questions make me feel good at work so i like to think these simple, friendly questions help brighten other people’s days as well. it makes me feel happy and whole as well as giving and compassionate. i like to interact with others in positive, uplifting ways.
what would your answers be to these questions? have you even taken the time to sit down and contemplate the abundance in your life? where is your life over-flowing? in what areas is it lacking?
have a wonderful wednesday. i work at six but i think a yummy lunch and a trip to whole foods is in the near future.
beatles song of the day: all you need is love (the magical mystery tour)
why? because it’s pretty true, really. if you have love, you’re suddenly rich in all areas of life.
well, i did it. i finally sacked up and brought my ass to the yoga studio i’ve been eyeing since summer. sometimes i let myself get a little intimidated and fall back on excuses like “oh, too much school” or “oh, too much work”. but now i’m out of school. so i was basically out of useless excuses. and who needs to excuse their mental, physical, and spiritual health anyway? not this girl!
though, i didn’t go at it alone. i dragged k with me okay, not dragged. he willingly partook. but that’s not what you care about. what kind of yoga was it, you ask? heated vinyasa flow! a whole hour and a half! how was it, you want to know?
honestly, the time just slipped past me. the studio was gorgeous and has these lovely high ceilings and a deep maple wooden floor. there were no mirrors, either. instead, painted on the wall in front of us was a huuuuge om symbol. as well as a little alter filled with sparkling, beautiful crystals. additionally, the instructor was amazing. she was calming and encouraging. everything you could ask for in an instructor!
but the best part? she only adjusted me about three times, and on incredibly small things. know what that means? i’ve been teaching myself yoga correctly. what a thought! i feel super stretched out and wonderful. my butt hurts a little, too! i went deeper into poses last night than i ever thought i could. sometimes i surprise myself with my strength.
this class just reaffirmed for me that yoga is so, so for me. it is the way my body is supposed to move, it is the direction my life is heading. it is so important to me. honestly, there was a moment during the flow where i felt so overcome with emotion i teared up a little. i’ve finally found a solid calling, one which makes my soul happy just as much as my body. i’m so excited to continue attending regular classes and i’m ecstatic to begin yoga school. i.CANNOT.WAIT.
following the sweaty, soul soothing session, k and i ate a super yummy shushi dinner (because i realized i actually did not have the quinoa i intended on cooking. sigh.), showered, and met up with some of my high school friends for some bar action in san francisco! did i drink? yes. did i do it without thinking twice about the calories? you bet your pretty little behind i did! we drank. we danced. we laughed. it was a good time.
the funniest part? getting home just as candace went to work (she opened). i’ve had a pretty slow morning (slow to wake up, slow to eat breakfast, half hour of stretchy yoga courtesy chaz a la yogamazing podcasts…seriously recommend these!!!) so i gotta get moving. last minute christmas shopping anyone? yeah. chronic procrastinator. bad, bad, bad. plus i work at 4! so i really got to get a move on it!
have a wonderful thursday, loves!
beatles song of the day: no reply (beatles for sale)
why? because it just came onto my itunes. it’s a sweet little ditty. earlyish beatles. gotta love em!
you all know i love it. i call it my saving grace. and i do so for a reason.
december marks yoga and my’s one year anniversary. one year ago i flipped on an exercise tv yoga video and tilted back into my first (awkward) downward dog. from moment one, i knew i found something special. but my journey with yoga blossomed and shifted as much as i did mentally, physically, and emotionally this past year.
admittedly, i first attempted yoga purely for a new work out. i wanted to be flexible. i wanted to be “sculpted”. i wanted to be like all the “sexy” yoga ladies i always saw tucked away in the pages of magazines. furthermore, when i first edged my way onto a mat, i used yoga in addition to my daily runs and daily work outs. i never did it on its own because, in my naivety, i believed it did not deliver the same benefits as pounding out seven miles.
as december 2009 unraveled into the new year, i unraveled from myself. i lost touch with the important aspects of life and found myself focusing on the superficial. i spent countless minutes and hours and days worrying over frivolous elements that only brought me pure unhappiness. during this time i lost touch with yoga, dabbling only on random days when my knees hurt so badly running was simply not an option. either that or i found myself huffing and puffing reluctantly through a flow because i binged and the guilt complex forced me to compulsive exercise.
however, as running continued to destroy my knees and drain the vitality, happiness, and harmony from my soul, i finally reached a breaking point. over the summer i woke up one day and knew i needed to stop. everything. i needed to stop running, i needed to stop restricting, i needed to stop bingeing. i needed to rediscover the person i lost somewhere in the months of 2010. so i turned to a long lost friend for guidance: yoga.
i woke up every morning and committed myself to my mat, if only for twenty minutes. the first few weeks were challenging. anxiety gripped my being and the negative voice in my head whispered to me about all the weight i was going to gain, all the damage i was going to do, all the hard work i was going to ruin. it told me all about how ugly i was going to become. but something else, that sliver of positive energy, told me not to listen any more. sure, some days break downs were inevitable. but the first unstable months proved to me just how wrong that negative voice was.
with the aid of yoga, i sunk my brittle roots into an unfamiliar solid ground and grew. i dug deep and sprouted into a new consciousness. i struggled up from the bottom but somehow broke through the surface. the more i reached for the sun, for that positivity i long ago lost, the more whole, centered, and peaceful i felt.
i’ve cried on my mat. i’ve dissolved into laughter on my mat. i’ve fallen asleep on my mat. i’ve eaten on my mat. i’ve found strength i never knew i had. my mat feels like a home away from home. yoga has taught me to cultivate patience, forgiveness, and love, among other things. it has grounded me in a new understanding of myself, of others, and the world around me. without yoga, i am not sure how happy of an individual i would currently be.
i am in no way perfect. this is quite possibly the most important lesson yoga has taught me. i still experience anxiety due to the negative chatter of my mind. whenever i feel out of control, instead of binge eating or not eating at all, i turn to yoga to find myself again.
as the new year approaches i find myself so deeply grateful for yoga and all it has given me, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. i will forever be thankful because, as you well know by now, yoga saved me from myself.
beatles song of the day: dear prudence (the white album)
why? because the sun is up, the sky is blue, it’s beautiful, AND SO ARE YOU <3
a few months ago, candace and i sold our couches to a co-worker of mine. and have yet to replace them. yeah, i guess it’s a bit odd. but we’re floor people so kickin it on the floor suits us just fine. plus, we have so much space! (to do so many activities! — quick, name that movie!)
in place of lounging on a couch, i usually just roll out my yoga mat and stack up a few pillows to lay back on. works like a charm. only, i’ve noticed i roll out my yoga mat for things outside of yoga…
like eating. lots and lots of eating.
please ignore the chipped nail polish. focus on the food instead because it was delicious. in the bowl: shredded, massaged kale mixed with a millet recipe (coming to you soon!). on the side: spicy hummus with a piece of flax toast!
why yes, i did rock shorts with long socks. and purple vans. what can i say? i’m obviously just too cool for school in the bowl: (vegan friends advert your eyes!) cottage cheese mixed with pinto beans and salsa. on the plate: another massage kale salad and a slice of flax toast! used it to scoop up the yumminess in the bowl.
i love condiments. a lot. especially when they make my mouth burn so good! i the bowl: the last of my kale (seriously, i have an addiction.). in the other bowl: broiled cauliflower (because i was way, way too lazy and impatient to wait the 20 minutes it takes to bake it) and on the plate: a two egg, vegan cheese quesadilla. smothered in hot sauce…per request for this hot ‘baby
and can you imagine i almost didn’t end up with this in my happy little belly tonight? you see, i attempted at another dinner. nothing sounded good. i’m feeling so lazy. so i decided to just be creative instead of going to buy food. only i failed at my first attempt at dinner. epically. seriously, it was awful. instead of getting down on myself (like i usually would) i shook it off and started at square one. lately, i’ve been feeling on some seriously crunchy food paired with something smooth, creamy. as i stared endlessly into my fridge (really. i spent a good five minutes sitting on the ground in front of my fridge, just staring at all my options. yes, i wasted energy. my bad.) and then a light bulb flickered on! and i jumped into action.
the spinach was a no brainer. i’ve wanted veggies like a mad woman lately (blame my over active sweet tooth from last week ;)). so i massaged it a la heather and plopped on some tomatoes. simple.
then i stared at the butt of a butternut squash. and stared at it some more. then, epiphany.
butternut squash hummus
adapted from the lovely angela
what you need
the butt of a baked butternut squash (honestly, i have no idea how much this was. uh…let’s call it 1.5 cups…)
1/2 C chick peas
1 T olive oil
1 T nutritional yeast (or more! i love this stuff!)
juice of one lemon
salt (i used pink himalayan sea salt :))
one tortilla of your choice (i used rudy’s organic spelt tortillas)
blend all ingredients together in blender or food processor. broil the tortilla strips for about one minute on each side. then get yo dip on, fool!
seriously, this was delicious. and spot on for dinner tonight.
i know, i’m adorable. i almost can’t stand it, either
and as for today, following a wonderful 4 mile run i stretched it out on my mat for 60 minutes. ah, gentle hatha flows, you soothe my soul. anyway, it’s friday night. i’m about to go hit up the rock wall (i think my lack of movement due to sickness and lack of motivation has finally caught up with me! all i want to do is move. i’m happy about it i like trusting in my body and its ability to even out!) for a little sesh before i do some 21-year-old appropriate activities.
have a great friday night, loves, and stay tuned for that millet recipe and a pumpkin/carob bread/cake recipe. still fine tuning but round one didn’t last through the night (i have hungry, hungry friends).
oh, i started the past two posts with ‘oh?’
oh. my b.
yay wednesday. no lies: i skipped class. again. why yes, i am on track to winning ‘worst student of the semester’ award, thank you very much. sometimes i feel guilty for skipping class. but that’s a whole other conversation i don’t feel like diving into right now. i want to talk about today. and the past week.
today kind of rocked a little bit. easy, slow early morning consisting of a new hour long yoga session (thanks yoga today!). my four hour shift at work flew by. i ate eggs. in place of class i rock climbed (do your best to withhold judgement). and i enjoyed good company all day. dinner consisted of delicious indian. i even had frozen yogurt (graham cracker. oh yes. it was that good). but that’s not what i want to talk about.
i want to talk about this: i’m starting to feel some what normal again. normal for me includes a steady happiness and the ability to be settled and content with my surroundings, with my being. i am starting to behave a little like the wonderful people i know. last night i drank some beer and ate at a time usually designated “off limits” for the consumption of food. despite waking up a bit full i still managed to stay wildly happy all day. at work earlier i drank a drink with a few pumps of our syrup. and i smiled while doing it. but, truth be told, i’m uncomfortable. the normalcy of it all makes me feel uncomfortable simply because i’m gettingtoo comfortable. i know: “zoe, seriously, wtf?”. getting to the point, loves.
let me preface by saying this: sometimes, understanding how the mind of a person who is obsessive and controlling of food can be difficult. let me explain it to you the best way i know how: through the use of a metaphor. involving yoga. specifically involving half moon.
right now i feel like i am balancing precariously. my standing leg shakes. my core works hard to maintain its connection, my spine its integrity. the quiet of my mind fights the negative chatter attempting to thwart my attempts at finding peace in an otherwise challenging pose. sometimes, i drop my leg. in these moments i fight the urge to say “fuck it” and abandon all hope while rolling back into child’s pose. sometimes i don’t fight. but most times, i do. i breathe deep, concentrate and move slowly back into the movement. balancing ain’t easy.
over the past two weeks the rigidness i toted around like a dead fucking weight for nearly a year feels like it’s (finally) starting to melt away (i think this translates into my schooling situation. i’ll explain this in another post, i’m thinking.). i’m slipping back into the person i used to be. by “breaking” my old “rules” i am allowing myself the freedom to eat and not worry about what each little morsel will do to my body. and by eat i mean eat. like, a lot. because we’re in an honesty zone over here i’m just going to say it: i’m just not sure how i feel about it.
i feel like a little kid testing the boundaries again: “can i do this and still be x, y, and z?” i am allowing myself a treat every now and then. however, i find that i am so happy to be tasting the food i forced myself to forget about, i over consume. though i am dealing much better, some times on these nights good old guilt comes knocking on my conscious’ door with the same old salesman’s grin and the same old story. and i listen. i buy it all. i allow the negative chatter in and lose the connection to myself. i topple out of my carefully constructed half-moon. again, balancing here. it takes work.
especially when you feel like you’re starting all over from scratch. i am relearning how to treat myself nicely. i am relearning how to feed myself correctly. i am relearning the definition of love, balance, and happiness. i’m relearning normal.
eating a lot feels scary. loosening my control feels scary. giving up rules and rituals feels scary. why? easy answer: i don’t know what’s going to happen. to my body, to my anxiety, to my balance, to anything. i am still too attached to my negative ideas.
but i’m trying. i’m forcing myself to not beat myself up for eating too many of one thing. i scheduled another appointment with my counselor. i’m seriously looking into nutritionists. i am finally going to my family for help. it feels good. so i know i’m doing something right.
like one little miss potato said: don’t be afraid.
well loves, i’m trying.
hello and happy monday afternoon, hope you are all well
it’s an absolutely gorgeous day today. october truly is my most favorite month of the year. northern california in the early moments of autumn catches me off guard each year. right now leaves still cling to tree branches, though their green hues have visibly faded some. sidewalks and lawns now bear the beginning onslaught of what the remainder of fall will bring. personally, i love crunching all the discarded leaves. it feels like a summer kissed fall. i am happy.
but onto saturday. because saturday made me all kinds of in your chest, in your fingers, in yours toes kind of happy. why? well, lots of reasons. but mainly, yesterday i lived in the moment one hundred percent. for the first time. ever. i am not one to worry about the past (it will not change, after all. i used to stress about the past but have since given up the habit) but i am one to concern myself with the future, both long term and immediate. i am a planner. i am a routine maker. if a path is not carved, i tend to lose my way a bit. and so this takes away from living in the moment and appreciating what is in front of me, not what is to come.
i’ve spoken about expectations before. whenever i build up these towers of expectation, something or someone knocks them down easily, like a child might kick over a pile of wooden blocks. so what i thought to be a solid structure merely dissolves right before me. expectations let me down. the idea of the activity never quite matches what actually happens. when does it ever, though? combine my bad habit of forming expectations and not living in the moment and you’ll get an equation for unhappiness.
acknowledging these traits of mine has helped me to remedy them. yesterday was a great example of this practice. yesterday i went rock climbing with four friends outside for the first time (i bought a harness (!!!!) on friday). i knew the outing would be fun but i did not allow myself to see past that idea. i woke up at 4:15 (yes, in the am), was picked up at 5, met up with everyone else at 5 and we took off around 5:30 after (much needed) cups of coffee. we squished into my friend’s little car. we put on the “so you’re going to climb some rocks?” playlist i created (a good 80 songs) and we took off.
we got there around 9 (we pit stopped for breakfast and pee breaks!) and immediately set up the top rope on a ridiculously difficult climb. but first, yoga!
because how do you pass up the chance to do yoga on top of a gorgeous rock? you don’t, really.
i love doing yoga in nature. i think the two go hand in hand. whenever i get the opportunity to do it, i always do!
and then we got to climbing! climbing with five people takes patience, because only one person can go up at a time. it’s a great experience though to watch how far a person gets. it doesn’t really matter whether you’re climbing or not because you’re still actively participating. we were all really great support systems. especially when i got stuck!
pretty high up in the air. i thiiink this was an 80 foot rock? anyway, i swung out after deciding i couldn’t go any farther and the ropes got tangled. good thing i’m not afraid of heights because it was pretty far up.
the other rock we scaled was much more vertical and contained way, way less holds (places to put your feet and hands). but i did it anyway! and loved every second of it. especially when i topped out! enjoyed an excellent view of the skyline preparing for sunset.
something i noticed: rock climbing and yoga have a lot in common. both require a lot of strength and concentration. both rely on steady breathing. both are non judgmental and (for the most part) non-competitive (rock climbing has competitions but when you’re climbing with friends there’s not pressure!). i think it’s why i love it so much. it’s fun to see how your body changes and adapts as your body becomes accustomed to new positions.
the best part of saturday? seeing the sun rise and the sun set. not something you see every day, you know?
anyway, that’s all i’ve got for you right now. i’ve got a ton to do (hello procrastination, my best best friend) and basically no time to do it all in. this week is going to be rough. just gotta remember to keep breathing!
have a great monday kidlettes!