Category Archives: fitness
well, i am thinking a few things.
i’m thinking spicy veggie nachos should be eaten every day.
i’m feeling more things than i am thinking, though.
i’m feeling accomplished for being binge free for three days in a row and proud for catching myself at the beginning of one this morning.
because, you see my loves, this morning i woke up late. like, 11:00 am late. who am i?
i woke up feeling sad.
i woke up feeling anxious.
i’m feeling guilty for cutting my 90 minute yoga session short. the negative chatter in my mind was too distracting to finish the last forty or so minutes of movement. i caved to the negative.
i’m feeling heartbroken, because i allowed myself yesterday to acknowledge just how heartbroken i really am (about k…)
i’m feeling doubtful, of myself, my purpose.
i’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin.
i want to be this girl again:
this girl is happy. she is balanced. she is in love with life and its endless possibilities. and she’s in love with herself.
she weighs less (truthful things i don’t feel like thinking or feeling about right now).
and, you know, i should be happy. yesterday went pretty well. i climbed my first v3 rated bouldering route. i basically decided the cute boy at the rock wall definitely thinks i’m cute. i’ve been feeding myself well and listening to my body. i’ve been moving in ways i like, not in ways i think i am “supposed” to be moving in. i’m moving through life right now but doing so feeling kind of empty.
earlier i talked to my mom. about everything. she told me something i can’t quiet shake out of my head: “you’re not thinking, you’re feeling.”
she couldn’t be more right.
i am feeling alone. i am feeling “fat”. i am feeling empty. i am feeling unworthy. i am feeling doubt. i am feeling sad. i am feeling so much i am forgetting to think.
about how loved i truly am.
about how much support i have.
about how worthy i am of life, love, happiness, and all the good bits and pieces in between.
i’m feeling so much i am forgetting to focus on what i have as opposed to what i don’t have.
i’m forgetting my body is an amazing thing, not something i should feel so miserable about.
i’m not thinking about all the possibilities life has for me right at this very moment.
i’m just not thinking.
right now, though? well, it’s a wonderful time to start thinking and forget feeling for a moment. the best way to do that? spend a night on the dance floor with your friends and some dubstep. have a safe saint patricks!
what are you feeling instead of thinking?
i’m not working out today.
it’s raining outside. jillian michaels couldn’t motivate my ass if she tried. my yoga mat feels farther away than it actually is. and my bed has me held captive since waking up over an hour ago. don’t try and rescue me. i can handle myself
honestly though, i’m not working out today. something about typing that out three times makes it more real. last week i managed to fit movement of some kind into each of the seven days. the week before i did the same thing.
two days ago, as it rained outside, i sat inside with a friend. the rain came into our conversation and we both agreed how dreary it was, how unmotivating. i told her recently, motivating myself to work out has been really difficult, that all i really want to do is stay in bed and sleep all day. to which she replied: “well, you work out a lot. it’s okay to take a break you know.”
it’s okay to take a break? wait, excuse me? what? it’s okay? to take a break?
it’s okay to take a break!
(i guess i need to write things out more than once to reaffirm them for myself…)
her words kind of hit me hard. i never take breaks. i never sit on the couch all day and watch tv. i never spend all morning, all afternoon, all day in bed. recently, however, it seems like that’s all my body is up to doing. i’ve been sleeping a lot more than usual. a lot. i’ve been waking up two hours past the time i’ve been waking up at for the past two years. i never want to leave my bed. it doesn’t matter how many hours of sleep i get i still feel sluggish through out the entire day, exercise or no exercise. i’m not drinking coffee so i know it’s not that. but i know something’s off. i’m not cooking. i’m not writing. it’s a chore to eat anything as my appetite barely exists. my mind and body are so worn down.
maybe a rest day will help. maybe listening to my body’s cues (for once) for rest will reinvigorate me. who told me i needed to work out every day anyway? whose “healthy” advice replaced my own? i’m not going to lie — it’s going to take some effort to quell the anxiety over not moving. it’s going to take effort to rest. hah! what a sentence.
regardless, i’m fucking tired. so excuse me, if you will, i’ve got a day long date with my bed until i have to tie on my green apron at four and barista till close. which is at 11. i’m off at 11:30 pm. hmmm…maybe starbucks has a hand in my depleted energy levels…
when was the last time you stayed in bed all day?
before i dive into my latest rambling, i want to first acknowledge the horrific events occuring in japan. my positive thoughts go out to all the people affected. events like these make me feel badly for ever complaining. i know everyone has her own problems, but sometimes i feel shallow and stupid for worrying about what i worry about. my heart goes out to all the victims. i hope the healing process can begin soon…
(and on another side note, thank you all so much for your sweet, sweet comments. there were so thoughtful and heartfelt and i really appreciate them!)
i have never been a very independent person. i am shy, quick to over analyze, and grow anxious very, very fast in certain situations. i am hesitant to try new things alone and usually end up dragging a friend with me.
now, however, i see just how utterly important it is to erase the lines i’ve drawn around myself. two days ago, i had a breakthrough. and yesterday? i had a revelation.
breakthrough: thursday afternoon, i went climbing…alone. the only people i climb with are k and our mutual friend, joe. clearly k never lets me know when he climbs and joe never remembers (or chooses not to) inform me of his own climbing schedule so i generally get left out. i wallowed for a bit and grew anxious over the thought of rarely climbing again but then it hit me: i have myself. if people i considered friends suddenly want to leave me out of their lives, so be it. i have myself and i have legs that can take me to the wall. i have a voice to ask people for a belay. i have the ability to climb alone. so i did. and guess what? it was a blast! i almost chickened out, too. i’m so glad i didn’t! i cannot tell you the confidence i felt after climbing solo yesterday. i felt empowered and so capable.
revelation: i am the only person standing in the way of experiencing life. by doling out excuse after excuse, i am essentially denying myself opportunities — for fun, for growth, for learning. by sticking to the main road instead of carving out a new trail in a new direction, i am only deepening the grooves of paths i’ve walked a million and a half times. where’s the excitement in that? where’s the adventure? i’m so sick of not trying things i want to try simply because i am scared.
confidence comes from testing yourself. confidence comes from pushing past your comfort zones and truly discovering what you are capable of.
each day i’ve been trying to push past my comfort zone. i’ve been trying to listen to my inner voice and ignore the negative voice i tend to listen to more often. two days ago i went climbing alone. yesterday, i experienced a pretty powerful revelation. today? well…
today, i quit an hour long yoga podcast twenty minutes from the end. why? because i realized i hate baptise power yoga. because i realized the thought it of produced anxiety in my chest. because i realized i only pushed myself through it purely for a work out, not for a reconnection of mind and body. because when david farmer said “be true to you” i realized i wasn’t. so i stopped. i never stop a work out.ever. as a person attempting to calm my compulsive exercising habit, i think i just did myself a huge favor: i just acted out of self-love.
oh, and let me just reassure you — that was not easy. i am feeling an intense need to supplement with more activity. i’m judging. i’m uncomfortable.
yet…isn’t that what the road to self-love is?
aren’t we supposed to feel uncomfortable? isn’t that what moving past comfort zones is? i think so, and i intend to keep on keepin’ on. tomorrow? well, i have a special challenge for myself. i’m excited and nervous and feeling silly for even calling it a challenge. we all start somewhere though, right? i’ll show you tomorrow.
as for the rest of the day…it’s a bit sunny outside. i want to go out on a walk (originally planned pre-quitting yoga. not supplementing, promise!) to clear my mind and enjoy the patches of blue sky. it’s been nice recently, too…
hope you all have a wonderful saturday!
what have you done recently that’s “outside of your comfort zone”? what do you want to do if you haven’t? and what’s keeping you from doing it?!
as promised, this post will include some fashion! let me tell you a little story first.
i grew up with a mom who loves to shop. like, seriously. loves. it. so, i grew up loving it, too. i liked getting new clothes before the new school year and in the months in between. when i reached high school, i started paying for the majority of my new digs. thanks to babysitting, my wallet usually boasted a few bills. luckily, my friends enjoyed shopping as much as i did. going to high school in san francisco didn’t help either. on fridays we got out early, around 1:15, and, usually, my friends and i packed up and scuttled downtown for some shopping. these trips were fun but pretty pointless. my closet was super full. always. and the funniest part? i rarely wore any new pieces i bought for very long! I got tired of them or just never wore them ever. i know, a waste, right?
these shopping habits carried on until my trip to south africa. there i met a group of people who changed my life and my perspective on life immensely. suddenly, i realized i wasn’t really shopping for new clothes, but to fill a materialistic void. i never needed any of these new clothes, they just made me feel better about myself. new things = new zoe. on that trip i decided to stop making mindless purchases and start feeling better about myself without the help of useless things.
now? i rarely shop. if i do, i buy a few things i need, and usually second hand. sometimes though, i do splurge. i’m starting to see that it’s okay to spend a bit of money on pieces that are well made and ethically sound (think patagonia, prana). i try to avoid stores like forever 21 and h+m because i know the ethics behind the clothes aren’t great. it’s hard sometimes, because truthfully? i still love to shop. but i also love saving money and spending it on things i actually need. a lot of clothes i wear are from high school or from my early college years.
all that being said, for christmas my mom, still the die-hard shopper, gifted me a hefty gift certificate to h+m. i’m not going to turn down a gift. so a few weekends ago, i finally put it to use and bought a few cute things.
my style isn’t anything special. i love comfortable clothes and tend to dress very casually. i generally stay away from “flashy” clothing (save for my tie-dye pants!) and love loose sweaters and shirts. part of this, i believe, comes from my comfort level with my body but that’s another story for another day. this is about what i got. take a look!
confession: i. love. sweaters. like, hardcore. it’s bad. in the warm months i live in cardigans and tanks tops and that’s about the extent of my wardrobe. (and bottoms, of course :)!). i have a great collection of sweaters and jackets and i wear every single one!
also purchased in navy blue and salmon pink. i wore the blue one the other day at the party. it’s in the picture below :)!
another confession: i loooove vests. especially loose, knitted vests like this!
unpictured: a pair of pants! not reaaaally needed but i did need a new pair of skinny jeans considering my others ones don’t quite fit still…i also wandered into forever 21 and picked up some baller earring and a ring. and that’s it!
if you couldn’t tell, i love plain, simple clothing. i love basic colors and plain prints. if i do pick out something with a print, it generally will be a dress or a sweater with stripes. but i really am a solid color kind of girl! that way i can dress up my outfits with accessories. which i always wear a TON of.
whew. that was a lot of words! and i’ve got a few more before i go! i know, how excited are you ;)?
i feel a bit better today. still fighting the quiet echoing of my negative voice but i’m more together today. it helped that the first thing i did today was work out with jillian! a new work out, too! the other day i bought this at target…
um. quite the work out. i was super sweaty and stoked on the day! one thing i really, really liked was jillian. for once. she seemed really different in this video and ended it by saying something like, i know it’s nice to be cut and have a hot body but this is really about health. when you are healthy in your body, you’ll be healthy in every aspect of your life. instead of solely promoting a hot body like she does throughout the entire shred series, she’s promoting exercising for health. instead of saying things like “think about bathing suit shopping!” during the work out, she said things like, “feel how alive your body is! feel how strong you are!” much better, jillian. i loved this and think it was a great purchase! very motivating and focused on the areas i want to focus on (health, not bathing suit shopping!).
after my work out i threw together breakfast/lunch (it was close to noon at this point. no work today!). and i have to say, it was absolutely delicious. i made ashley’s microwave buckwheat bake. this girl is a genius. it was so decadent and nourishing and healthy to boot!
topped with freshly homemade coconut butter, a square of unsweetened baker’s chocolate, and unsweetened coconut cream! (one T coconut flour, a few splashed of unsweetened almond milk). it’s safe to say i have a new favorite breakfast. can you believe this was my first experience with buckwheat, which i learned is not a grain but a pseudograins like quinoa! so it’s a seed and super awesome!
okay, this mouthful is getting too full. have a great thursday! it’s raining here and i’m contemplating what to do with my day. the downer part about being the only one out of school? everyone else is always busy! i’m so bored!
what is your personal style like? funky? girly? tomboy? tell me about it!
(oh, by the way, i finished invisible monsters yesterday. you guys, pick up this book! it kicks ass! i read over a hundred pages in one day. seriously flew through it!)