February 27, 2011 hella hella hella nervous, nervous
i’m not crazy.
um. yeah. i know it’s a weird song.
but i’m feeling hella nervous. hella hella hella. okay, well maybe not nervous. but anxious. thought my anxiety levels were under control? me too. until last night.
last night our store had a meeting. so of course i saw k. i, maybe immaturely, did not say a single word to him the entire time. i didn’t even look at him. i figure his actions speak louder than his words. by ignoring me as he has recently, i figure it’s what he wants me to do as well. so i did. and it was not easy. later, while at work (i closed), i texted him to see if he was going to be home when i was off. i was picking something up from his roommate who wasn’t home and i never got a text back. this is when my anxiety started to sink in after an entire day free from it.
i drove to his house after work to talk, to ask him why he felt it necessary to ignore me, especially when we decided to be friends. his car wasn’t there. crazy person that i am, i drove to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment complex…and saw his car parked out front. talk about a punch in the stomach.
just to clarify — i never creep around trying to figure out where people are. but for the sake of my through-the-roof anxiety, i needed some answers. if k was going to ignore me, i knew it was up to me to just figure the whole thing out. it sucked to discover, but i had a sinking feeling it was happening anyway. at least i know now and can waste no more time worrying about the potential of getting back together. it’s not going to happen.
regardless of knowing now, i’m still feeling an incredibly amount of anxiety. for me, anxiety feels terrible. it seems to simmer my stomach bile and make me essentially live in the bathroom. my chest feels ready to explode and the urge to vomit becomes strong and difficult to ignore. recently, i’ve also realized my anxiety makes me cold. i find it really hard to stay warm. example: i’m under four blankets right now and i’m still shivering. all this makes eating difficult to do. everything i manage to put down wants to come right back up. the only way i know how to manage these feelings is to move. and constantly. i ate a smoothie earlier (but couldn’t finish it) and am planning on taking off on a long, long run shortly.
i feel used. and cheated. and really, really hurt. not only did i just lose a boyfriend, but i lost a friend. if they’re back together (which i’m basically sure they are), i know she will not let him hang out with me. i know this because i know her and how much she loathes me. if anything, i learned a very valuable lesson here: always give people time to heal from past relationships before allowing them to jump into new ones. especially with you.
i know deep down in my heart k still cares about me. i know he likes me. i know he has a difficult time being alone. most importantly though, i know i deserve better than this and like me or not, i’m washing my hands of this entirely. these are silly games i stopped playing in high school. last night i kept asking myself “what am i lacking? what am i not enough of for him?” doubt cornered me and threatened to keep me up until sunrise. after a lot of thought and a lot of text messages with my lovely, amazing, supportive friend victoria, it came down to this: nothing. i am not lacking anything. k is immature. and selfish. and i am worth more than immaturity and selfishness. just like you are, too.
to reaffirm these thoughts, i wrote them out, over and over again. sometimes writing things makes them real. i wrote “this is not about me” and “i am worthy of all good things” over and over and over. i covered a page with these words. and hearts.
i know it might look silly, but words are very powerful for me. it’s why i write. they’re a coping mechanism for me.
so do i feel lacking this morning? sort of. i know it’s not true. but i’m still sad. this is going to be difficult to work my way through but i know i have an amazing support system available to me. i’ll get through this. just with a little help from my friends.
how do you remind yourself of you’re worth only all good things, always?
have a wonderful sunday.