February 10, 2011 it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day
biiig inhale. biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig exhale.
boy. it’s been a rough few days.
the rest of monday passed so slowly i wanted to punch every clock i saw. time is such a funny concept like that. most days it flies by but introduce misery and time ticks by molasses slow. eating became a task my body did not want to go through. everything i considered consuming only made me feel like throwing up. whenever i am heart broken or immensely sad, i find it incredibly difficult to stomach anything other than water. basically, monday was a day for leaky eyes and an anxious, acidic body.
and, because k had class in the afternoon, i had to wait until nine at night to talk with him. and talk i did. for two hours. no, i was not nice. at all. let’s just call it an emotional kind of conversation. but it allowed me to get everything off my chest and learn a few things about the situation. one of them being that i know this is not my fault, that i am not lacking anything. and that i don’t deserve to be taken for granted and lied to, feelings in the past i’m sure i would have never felt. my confidence in my person is so strong now. but, more importantly, i learned k did nothing with her (also confirmed by the person who initially told me about this whole thing) other than talk.
tuesday i woke up feeling decent. i even managed to eat lightly for the rest of the day. think smoothies and salads. i felt confident enough to smile and laugh all day. then night hit. hard. because i opened on wednesday, i tucked myself into bed around seven with good intentions…and fell asleep around 1:30. all night i wanted so badly to call k, to see him, to be with him. usually my resolve is strong (i am, self-admittedly, very stubborn and hard-headed sometimes) enough for me to stick to my guns but i felt completely unhinged.
the alarm woke me from a dead sleep around 3:30. ugh. wednesday did not mirror tuesday at all. i felt weepy and my chest hurt. it’s hard to be in customer service when all you want to do is sit down, cry, and wallow. which i did on my break but still. i was back to not being about to eat and feeling so acidic it felt like bile was constantly creeping up my esophagus. my run and hour long yoga session helped only in minor ways. i didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
so i called k. another hour long conversation later and i learned more things: how sorry he was. how miserable he felt. how he didn’t know why he did what he did (best explanation: he was curious as to what she was up to. they dated for two years and he saw her basically every day…regardless, it’s lame). how he didn’t want to lose me. how badly he wanted to be with me. how stupid he felt. how he was planning on talking to me again on valentine’s day, an apologetic surprise in tow (funny, as i was trying to wait until his birthday, the day after valentine’s day, to talk to him. fail.).
clearly, my words in our first conversation struck him hard. i know good people make mistakes. i know i am not perfect so i don’t expect anyone else to be. and i’m super forgiving by nature.
last night we hung out for a little. it felt tense but okay. we decided to not end this, because we both recognized we had something special here (shit, everyone else did, too. including his ex who, i’m pretty sure, only continued talking to him to spite me despite breaking up with him in the first place. she’s dramatic and mean that way (and only 19. no offense to any 19 year olds out there!) and most likely felt insecure because k no longer wanted her) but i’m not throwing my whole heart back into it just yet. i’m still pretty hurt, my trust is still pretty broken. no one’s ever been so sneaky behind my back like that before. it’s going to take a few seconds for things to feel “normal” to me again.
i have my guard up, yes, but i can’t let this boy go. honestly, i’ve never felt such a connection to any other person in my life, not even my past boyfriends. i know it’s okay to give people second chances, but this is the only other change i’m willing to give. i don’t want to be a fool again. so we’ll see how this goes. am i happy right now? much happier. i can eat again (thank the universe) and i slept pretty soundly last night. one day at a time, right?
i guess that explains my answer to number one of this 30-day challenge i really want to do! i saw it on a few other blogs and think it’s a fun way to get to know people and write on topics i normally wouldn’t think of.
and that’s my current relationship. only a month old and being nursed back to health. i’ll keep you updated as it changes. hope you’re all having a wonderful thursday.