a confession

April 20, 2010 a confession

hello to no one in particular, considering i am still doubting anyone actually reads this. but anyway. moving on. today went well till about an hour ago. i woke up early, around 7:30, to get my daily work out in. i did a 30 minute yogadownload.com yoga with weights. i moved up from three pound to five pound weights! tough stuff. then i went on an easy 2-2.5ish mile run. did some stretching, iced my knee (feels much better!) and shipped off to class. oh yes, a shower was thrown in there too AND vegan overnight oats! (the mix included: 1/3 cup oats, two T chia seeds, half a nanner, one cup almond milk, one heaping T cacao powder, and some iceeee. yummm! i stirred in some unsweetened coconut flakes and a bit of sunflower seed butter. double yummmm!)

no one was in class. can you say 4/20 holiday? fun fact: the 4/20 tradition started in my home town at a high school right down the street from my house. don’t believe me? look it up: san rafael (ca) high school, 4/20. swear it! they have a statue on their campus (a small one hidden away in some bushes.) but it went by fast. and i kept up my good mood all day. work went by quickly. i got off work early. met up with some friends. now i am currently watching life (anyone else hate the fact oprah nararrates this? DRIVES ME INSANE. bleh.) and feeling a bit of guilt here.

i am thinking i might be developing an unhealthy habit. in fact, i am pretty sure i am. lately i’ve been deeply struggling with both my eating habits and my self-esteem. i catch myself frequently thinking negative thoughts about my appearance. i find myself scrutinizing what i see in the mirror (it has been an off and on cycle of mine since i was a kid. i think this cycle started around the age of 11. maybe 12.) as well as comparing myself to just about EVERY girl who walks by. once i get it in my head i look “fat,” my day just falls apart. i get irritable. i feel upset. it becomes a thought i cannot, no matter how hard i try, shake out of my head. it just hovers there ALL. DAY. i sink into this negativity i absolutely loathe. i tell everyone i don’t know why i am “in a funk.” but i know. i DEFINITELY know. but i am embarrassed to tell anyone. so i just sit on my feelings or scribble them in a journal. and out of all of this, my unhealthy habit has developed.

i eat well during the day. i do. but come night time i have started over-eating. i guess you can call is borderline bingeing? but i DO stop. and i don’t eat unhealthy things — just too many healthy things (with the occasional overdose of carob chips!). lately it’s been almond butter. i try so hard not to cave to my craving and usually wait out the “10″ minute period or whatever but my will power is so not strong. i don’t want this habit to get out of hand. i have never had an eating disorder. but i am certain i have had (and might still have) disordered eating. it makes me nervous. it makes me depressed. which makes me, i think, over eat sometimes. i need a way of controlling this before it becomes entirely uncontrollable. does anyone out there in the blogging world struggle with similar issues? WHAT DO YOU DO TO CONTROL IT? WHAT DO YOU TO AVOID THE SEMI-ADDICTING, ALMOST AVOIDABLE “FAT TALK” ? i’d REALLY like to know. i feel a little alone here since i have no one to discuss it with. i don’t like bringing up my eating habits or negative feelings with friends of family because i am afraid they won’t understand. and i also used to show how much thoughts were getting to me (i.e: openly voicing my negative thoughts, asking “do i look fat?”, standing for long minutes in front of the hallway mirror, sometimes crying) but now i have internalized it because i saw how it was negatively effecting those around me.

recently my healthy lifestyle has taken a negative road. any suggestions as to how to get back to the path of balance would greatly be appreciated, particularly right now. it’s going to be a difficult day tomorrow. thanks to whoever happens to read this! i appreciate it.

namaste.

zoe.

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